All Together Now. Everybody!

I came out in 1998. At the time, I was living in Philadelphia and had just gained my freedom from my parents and high school and all the kids that spent years calling me names. I knew what it meant that I was coming out. I was most upset by the fact that it meant that 90 percent of the names I was called were, in fact, accurate.

I never made it to Philly Pride. I'm still a bit sad about that. I never made it to any pride until 2012.

Fast forward to 2012. In 2012, I attended my first Pride, in Boston. I was fresh out of an 11 year relationship, and wanted to feel like I was a part of something. I went with a friend, who ditched me to go be on a float for Machine. I survived and I actually had fun...Although I still didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe I don't really fit in anywhere.

Fast forward a couple years to the creation of Pride Portland. For the first time, I felt like, "this is where I belong. These are my people." And, for a while it was really good. Pride felt like a safe place and a place to have fun with a bunch of other queer people, when you didn't have to worry about how you were perceived by others. We were all there to have a good time and only worry about ourselves.

Cue the end of the Obama administration and the start of the Trump administration.  Pride Portland has been in existence for a few years and the committee has begun to change. People have stepped down, new people have stepped up. But, the tone has changed. Not just in Portland, Maine, but across the country and, potentially, across the globe.

The atmosphere in general, since the new president was elected has been a severely divided atmosphere. It was like that before, granted. But, things came to a head after the election.

Words like Cis started being thrown around. And not in a descriptive way, but in an accusatory way. Drag Queens stopped being asked to do things for Pride because they weren't family friendly enough. Trans people and people of color were feeling like they don't have a voice in Pride. And, so the pendulum has begun its swing to the other side. This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

This year's pride committee has done everything  (from what I'm hearing from committee members) to make this year's Pride more inclusive of ALL members of the LGBTQIAA community. This should be a good thing. However, I have also seen posts from some of these same people talking about how cisgender white gay males in particular have appropriated a celebration that they have no right to, so they can dance around in harnesses and speedos in the street, covered in glitter.

As someone who has photographed multiple prides, I will say this. The only thing that I am doing there is documenting a fight that still is ages away from being over. I will never dance in the street covered in glitter wearing a speedo, because I don't have the self confidence to do so. My goal is to get across as much of the charged energy coming from marchers and signs. And, over the course of the last few years, yes, Pride has been very white. But, my question is this...is it because we are excluding people of color? Or is it that they just don't come to pride? Or is it that we literally live in one of the whitest states in the country? Or am I just an ignorant cisgender white gay man, who is angry at being scapegoat for a bigger problem? Or is it a combination of all of the above?

I will support Pride again this year, because I feel like it's as much of a civic duty as voting. For better or worse, these are my people and I want to preserve this for the next generations, because we're already losing so much of our history as gay people to either Hollywood whitewashing or to ignorance of historical fact.

If we are to continue as a community, yes we need to be more inclusive of ALL people. We need to preserve the history of those who have come before us. We need to support each other, not tear each  other down. Listen to each other. Know that the fight is all of ours and not just one person's. If we want to succeed we need to come together. Because, in all honesty, the more we name call and tear down each other's groups, the more fractured we become. And, eventually, you can't come back from that. 

What's the Story, Morning Glory?

I've taken a lot of time off from doing anything to do with drag, over the last year.  A lot of it, just has to do with me trying to figure out myself, although, I attribute a lot of it to other things...

The biggest thing, was that doing drag photography stopped being fun.  Going to drag shows was fine, because I got attention, that I apparently crave, from the queens...but, it became a thankless work.  And, it just wasn't fun.  I have spent entire shows running around chasing the queens, to get "perfect" pictures, that will get used, but I won't ever even get credit for taking. 

I've been working on some trading cards for Shaunna Rai, so she can hand them out, as a business card of sorts.  While some of them are her selfies, it's given me an opportunity to work my skills as a graphic designer, and photo editor.  One of the cards, is a photo of Shaunna that I had taken before a Christmas show that she did.  The request was that the photo be edited to make it usable at any time during the year, instead of just Christmas.  So, I started playing with Photoshop Elements, and turned Christmas into a tropical getaway look.  One of my proudest achievements, until I actually got the cards here, and realized that I had missed a few spots of the photo, during the editing of the dress color that remain the original red color. 

After having gone to see Bunny Wonderland and Joslyn Fox in The Bunny and the Fox Show in Portsmouth, and having prime real estate for photographs, and not having to run after the performers, I decided to go back to the photos from Christmas, and start deciding which ones to post. 

Because of the sheer amount of photos that I take during any given show, I have enough photos to be able to tell the story of most of a performance.  And, I realized, for the first time, since Cherry Lemonade told me that my writing here was important, because it told a story and allowed the performers to have something to remember it by, that that's what my whole aim has been in all the time I've taken these pictures.  I haven't always done a good job of it.  Some of the photo albums on Facebook look like I just chose random photos and stuck them there.  Some, are completely random photos.  Some were before I realized that I could take photos without a flash, so I was at the mercy of how quickly the flash would recharge before the next picture would snap.

With the realization of not needing to use the flash to still get good pictures, I started taking way more pictures, with a much better chance of getting stuff I could use.  This gave more of a total overview of the show.  But, with the last couple of batches of photos that I've taken, when it came time to post them, I realized that by editing a little, and not including every photo that "may be okay", and only going for the ones with a (totally subjective) wow factor that I could actually give more of a visual story of each performance. 

Unfortunately, it's not an exact art.  I still have a hard time getting accurate photos, because some performers just move faster than others, and some know how to use the lights best for photography.  So, it still looks like I give preferential treatment to some, more than others.  It gives me a goal, though, to figure out how to capture those lower light, super fast moving photos...and have it look like I've frozen the moment in time.

Anyway, back to the narrative aspect of the photos.  When I started writing the blog, here, it was often to tell the story of how the show went.  Laying out the photos as more of a "Graphic Novel" set up, instead of just a "Photo Album," has given me a different outlook on my pictures. One, that I feel might be able to get me out of the slump that I've been in when it comes to drag shows recently. 

So, goals for 2018:
1) Get out of the slump.
2) Learn to freeze frame during a performance, so that all details are clear
3) Make the best of super low lighting for photos, so I don't lose half a performance.
4) Don't let anyone take away the fun in shooting, because if it isn't fun, you shouldn't be doing it.

Mental--Help Me

People care more about things that don't matter, than they do about what does.

A couple weeks ago, Katya's male alter ego Brian had posted online that Katya would not be performing for the remainder of 2018, due to needing to recharge and take care of his mental health.

The message a lot of people took away from this, based on comments I read, was that Drag Race ended up being too much for her and that she was done.

What the message they should have taken out of it was "I'm human. I don't work a 9-5 job. And, I need some time."

When mental health or mental illness is involved, you need to pay attention. Dealing with other people day in and day out, for some is no issue. For others, it's a struggle. And throwing a diagnosis into the fray, well, all bets are off.

I've seen too many lives in people around me, cut short, because something, treated or not, finally won the inner war.  But, we aren't allowed to talk about that. Why? Because there is a giant stigma about having any kind of perceived mental defect. So, we don't talk about depression. We don't talk about anxiety. We don't talk about the days that you literally have to pep talk yourself out of your bed, to go to work. We don't talk about rehearsing conversations in your mind, to ensure that nothing you say can be taken wrong. We don't talk about replaying every conversation you had during the day, multiple times to ensure that whatever you thought you were giving for a message would be interpreted correctly. We don't talk about the days when, for absolutely no reason, you're on the verge of tears. We don't talk about thinking that "Nobody would really care if I were dead." Male on male rape, sexual harassment, sexual assault...those aren't real...

Except they are. The #MeToo movement has begun to bring up the idea that men can be victims too. And yet, people believe that the alleged victims are just looking for their 15 minutes of fame.

The struggles of daily life should be discussed. They should not be shamed. You are not weak for having emotions. You are strong because you have them. If you made it through the day, without harm, congratulate yourself. You earned it.

If you're struggling, seek help. Talk to someone close to you about how you're feeling. Seek alternate outlets for your emotions if needed. Journal, draw, listen to music...or if you're like me, watch Drag Race. Find something that makes you happy. Allow yourself to be happy, even if you feel like you don't deserve to be.

Remember that you never know what kind of a war the person standing next to you is fighting. So always be kind.

Take care of yourself. "'Cause if you can't take care of yourself, how the hell you gonna take care of somebody else?"

Art More

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an artist.  

I re-edited a photo to create this. 
Shaunna's T-shirts have this as an option
(minus the background.)

Now that I'm an adult, I wonder if I'll ever make money enough to live on as an artist.  And, I wonder what kind of an artist I'm going to be.  This second question is one that I never thought about as a kid.

I spent a lot of time trying to learn every hobby that I could, to see what I liked, and what I would be good at.  I taught myself how to draw.  I wrote stories.  I learned how to sew.  I played the clarinet (badly, but I tried.)  When I got my first computer, and a program that would let me start playing with layers and transparency, I taught myself how to combine photos to make a more interesting image.  I tried my hand at web design (better than I was with the clarinet, but still not very good.)  

I started an online drag coloring
book featuring people who I have
drawn cartoon portraits of.

The other night, Shaunna Rai had a show with Bunny Wonderland, Joslyn Fox and Cherry Lemonade, and a couple of girls from New Hampshire that I don't know.  I had to work, and it would have been cutting it close, to try to get there in time for the show to start.  So, I chose to stay home.  And, I started working on a project.  Shaunna Rai has been posting old photos on her instagram recently, and found some more pictures that she wanted to post, but they needed to be scanned first.  So, I decided to start scanning the pictures, while she was gone.  

About a quarter of the way through the pile of photos, it hit me.  As I played around with the brightness and contrast of the scanned photos, I realized that I've fulfilled my desire to be an artist.  And, photography is just a part of who I am as an artist.  

After hearing that Lady Valerie
Honeywell had a trading card,
Shaunna now has a trading card
set of 4 different cards.
Miss E'on and Leanna Love each
also each have one card.

You see, what I hadn't really taken into consideration is that my desire to be good at everything, gave me more tools than I know what to do with.  And, so while, some things, like painting are non-favorable forms of creation, others have been added.  Photoshop Elements, Light Room and Paint Tool Sai have become my tools of creation...along with the old standby of a pencil and paper.  The computer gave me the ability to paint, without getting messy...which was something I hated in school, and even more, during art school.  Painting meant that I was going to be stained, personally, or that I was going to ruin an article of clothing.  

2017 was a good year for me
as far as doing drawings, like this one
of Lindsey Devereaux.

I have thousands and thousands of photos in my life.  I have probably 10 different SD cards with varying amounts of photos on them.  My cell phone has so many photos.  My new external hard drive houses most of them.  My Facebook pages, the rest.  

With the creation of Shaunna Rai's merchandise line on DragQueenMerch.com, I started to combine my photography and my Photoshop skills.  And, I realized that there is still much that I need to learn.  And, I need to figure out how to break my way through the artistic/creative block that I have put up somehow.  In order for me to get better at my "graphic design" abilities, I need to challenge myself.  Each new task I give myself, or am given, I need to make it a test, to see what else I can learn.

So, my goal, for the year 2018, is to Art More...and learn more.  And, keep myself posting things.  Because the more I do it, the better the chance that the artist that I imagined at 5 I would be will become a reality.  And, who doesn't want to make the child they were at 5 proud?