I've spent 12 of the last 15 years working in jobs where I literally listen to their problems and try to help them solve them. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost myself completely.
In an effort to not get too close with clients, I started to put feelings in boxes that I could lock away and never have to deal with again. Once I started it was nearly impossible to stop.
The result of course, is that now, I don't remember what emotions go with what feelings. And, the one emotion I do remember, is the one I would most like to forget.
Anger. I am an angry person. I'm angry because I don't know what else to be. I'm angry because I blame myself for everything. I'm angry because I'm so disillusioned by people that I just don't even want to deal with them anymore. I'm angry because I destroyed my first relationship and didn't even know I was doing it. I'm angry because I have continued to do so with every relationship since. I'm angry because I can't speak my mind without someone trying to cover it up with a band aid. I don't need anyone else to fix my issues. I am the only one who can do that. I'm angry because I've stopped trying to speak my mind and tell people how I feel. I am angry that I feel the need to apologize for everything, whether it involves me or not.
I'm angry that the one person I should have been taking care of is the one person I didn't. Me.
I'm tired of apologizing for things that are not my fault. I'm tired of being caught in the middle of things that adults should work out themselves, respectfully. I'm tired of the toll that physically my anger is taking on my body. I have days when I am so stressed out that my body liquified everything when I cannot stay out of the restroom. I have days when I am so angry that I just want to hit something. I have days where there is so much anger in me that I feel like I have given a wet willy to an electrical outlet, because I can feel the electric currents running through my body.
But, I'm not supposed to get upset if someone comes for me. I'm not allowed to have an attitude when I'm given an attitude. I'm overreacting if it appears that we have an issue and I ask why. I'm overreacting if I show any kind of emotion.
If you preach love, but spew hate, you have no right to wonder why I'm confused and don't understand where I stand with you.
I just can't anymore.
We live in a country that preaches "Make America Great Again," but is literally pitting person against person. America could be great again, if we just stopped talking for the sake of talking. It could be great again if we listened to hear, instead of listening for our turn to talk.
Don't come at me with guns a blazing, and expect me to just roll over and take it. There is a word for that. It's called abuse.
I'm tired of being walked over like a doormat. I'm tired of being expected to be respectful when I'm treated with blatant disrespect to my face and behind my back. If you want me to treat you with respect, then you at least owe me the same decency.
I've spent my whole life just taking it. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I just accepted the name calling. The disrespect. The whispers and laughing. Even so far as to allow other people to tell me how to feel.
I've spent most of my adult life trying to please other people, at the expense of not knowing how to please myself. So it's time I take back control. I get to say what's respectful and what's not. I get to say if I'm happy or sad or angry. Its time I try to find what makes me happy. It's time that I start opening my baggage and see just what it is that I have to unpack. Once its unpacked, then it's time to start letting it go.
It's time that I do a soft reset on my life, and see if I can find a shiny version of myself. Or keep resetting until I do. You live your life, I'll live mine. Just stop trying to tell me how to live mine, because, it's not cute.
