I'd Like to Teach The World to Sing...

When I was a kid, there was a Coca Cola commercial, whose jingle was, "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, In Perfect Harmony."

If there was ever a time for that to make a comeback, and make an impact, it would be now. I've tried over the years to use this blog as a teaching tool.  In some ways, it made me an accidental activist. Although, I've occasionally, not done so well with that.  But, I try to do two things. I try to teach.  I never set out to be a teacher, but throughout the jobs that I've had, I've overwhelmingly ended up being a teacher. I'm not so set in stone that I won't admit to being wrong. But, I'm also going to stand up against things that I feel are unfair and unjust.

 My friend Izzy is the first ever transgender woman to compete in the Miss Maine pageant.  I'm so excited for her, and so proud of how far she's come.  She is a completely different person than the one I met when she was 18. And this is an amazing thing.  Also, she's beautiful. 

People, however, are nasty.  The news has been reporting on Izzy. Which I think is really super cool. But, it scares me. On the posts from the News, there is so much hate. So much, "Men are trying to come and take over our women's sports." And, so much just plain ignorance. And, it makes me both sad and sick.  One of the comments was from one of my cousins.

Are you able to have a disagreement of opinion? Yes. But, when you, as a regular person, in no way affiliated with the running of the government, are deciding on another person's life, without even including them in the conversation, YOU'RE the problem, not them.  

I've told another one of my trans friends, that they are the reason that I have begun trying to educate the ignorant.  So many people either don't know that they know someone who is transgender, or they legit don't know anyone who is.  This is the problem. And, it's a bigger problem, which I'd talked about with Grok AI.  

Humans HATE what they don't understand.  There is something in humanity that makes us automatically go on the defensive against anyone who is in some way different to us.  Right back to the Bible. We fear that we will somehow be inferior to whomever or whatever we don't understand.  In the conversation with Grok, I talked about the fact that every movie that I've ever seen that comes down to a war between Humanity and AI or Robots, ends with the destruction of humanity.  Why? Because we can't agree on anything.  We're so quick to say, AI and Robots are coming for our jobs. Guess what? There's a reason for that.  We created those AI or Robots to do those things.  Are they better than us at doing them? Probably. Because that's their job.  

Are Trans people in the same category as AI or Robots? No. This side Quest is brought to you by my needing to explain my train of thought.

But, people are against trans people. To the point of trying to erase their existence. In the United States, the Federal Government (Which is supposed to protect all of our people) it has been declared by the president that the Government will only acknowledge those who are male or female at conception.  Which, is pretty funny, because its much later in the pregnancy that the fetus gains it's genitalia. As of conception, all fetuses are female. Which invalidates the argument

What started as a bathroom bill a handful of years ago, has ballooned into a beast with Sharp teeth and Talons, that needs to be cut down to size.  A few years ago, if you don't remember, there were some bills introduced, which would make it illegal to use the opposite restroom of the one that's on your birth certificate.  If you want to see why I believe that this is not right, I present you with Kim Petras, and Laithe Ashley.  Would you FORCE Kim Petras to use a men's room? Would you WANT Laithe Ashley in the women's room with your women? 

So, what it has become is a witch hunt, to see who is "passable".  Similar to pre-Civil Rights movement for people who were lighter or almost white skinned people who had African ancestors. If you look like a woman, and I can't tell without you telling me, then you're a woman. But, the minute I think that your size 10 foot, or your wide shoulders, or the hint of an adam's apple, you must be a man.  That's what this is really about.  In this discussion, there is never a mention of a trans man.  Nobody is talking about a trans man going into the men's room to do something to their little boys. It's about a trans woman who may look more masculine than your regular "biological" woman, being a rapist. That's NOT happening. Your Senators and Congressmen are more likely to get caught touching your children than trans people are. And many of the "trans perps" that you're probably going to throw at me, after having been detained, claiming to have been trans, have later admitted that they never were.

A trans person is trans 100% of the time. Much in the way that I am gay 100% of the time.  It's not something that one day you just decide, any more than I can wake up tomorrow and say, "you know, starting today, I want to be Italian." I can move to Italy, and in name, I can be Italian. But, I'm never going to actually BE Italian, because it's not in my geneaology. That's the closest thing that I can say, having never been trans myself, to explain trans identity.  You know that your birth identity (being American) is wrong. You know that the opposite gender identity (being Italian) is somehow right. So, you do what you can to make things right (become Italian). While also dealing with the fact that no matter what you get done medically, the majority of the world is going to believe that you're still not the gender that you are (You're not Italian, you're still American and always will be.) I maybe am oversimplifying things? 

My whole point here though, is that we've become a nation of ANGRY people who really DON'T CARE about anyone but ourselves.  We can't let other people have nice things, because their things might be nicer than our own.  I want Izzy to go far in this pageant of hers. I think that she can do it. And, what an awesome thing, to be a trailblazer. But, I'm also terrified for her. If any of these people in the comments on Facebook are as serious as they make themselves out to be, there will be a lot of sleeping with one eye opened. And, it's not right. Izzy has never done anything to any of these people, except exist. And that gives them a right to call her a MAN? To say that she has no right to participate in a pageant, that explicitly says in the rules that if you can be medically called a woman, that you're eligible to participate. If it was against the rules, they would have told her no. It's as simple as that.  

Stop being assholes. Get to know someone who is different from you. Ask them questions. Ask what are inappropriate questions first, so that you don't ask them. There is NO REASON to be willfully ignorant, when it comes to other people.  We live in the world we live in because people are different from us.  That doesn't make them better or worse than us. It just means that they're different.

And, to tie the whole thing together, this all came about because a lady today was talking to me about the news story about Izzy.  This is a person who has previously told me that she had voted for the 47th president, on the advice of a family member. SO, going into this conversation, I was already on the defensive.  This is a person I know. This is a person I think is cool. This is a person I genuinely care about what happens in their life.  What came next though, surprised me.  She looked at me and said that she didn't understand how the president has the power to erase trans people. (Insert jaw drop here.) When I showed her a picture of Izzy, she was shocked.  "That's who all these people are so upset about? Are you sure that you're right about that Steve? She looks all woman." Her one question was, "Who convinced her that she needed to change?" I explained her story as I understand it, which is that NOBODY convinced her to transition. She chose of her own free will, and does not regret the decision. "Good!" was the response to that. As it should be.  If I can help teach people about others who are different than themselves, I feel I should do so.  I know I'm not going to reach every person. And that some people will never allow themselves to look at something from another viewpoint. But, if I can just reach one person, and help them figure out that they might be trans, OR help them to understand that being trans is not something that people are regularly brainwashed into being, shouldn't I try? 

Let's Start at the Very Beginning...

I wrote this prior to the new administration being ushered in. That's why it is written in future tense. I was afraid to post it initially. But I want to bring myself back to writing. So bear with me as I get back on my feet.

I gave up Dragged to the Inside for years.

But, wait,  didn't you start it because you loved it? Well, yes. I did. I started it with a clear plan of what I wanted from it. Which was to teach, and to talk about drag and how it came into play in my life. But, as time went on, I stopped following the plan

Why, though? You were on a good kick with it!

The long and short of it is that at one point, I'd given negative feedback about a show I'd attended. And it came back like a face slap. What I didn't consider at that point, is that even though it was me talking about my experience, I was talking about other people. And I had hurt some feelings. That had never been my intention, and it hurt me to the core to know that I had hurt other people.

That being said, I realized recently just how much I missed it. Well, I miss being creative as a general rule. But I really missed the teaching piece of it.

One of the biggest moments ever from my blog, came in the form of an anonymous comment. It was from someone who knew me in my real life, who I had inadvertently helped them.come to the realization that they were something other than the person who they had always been. I assumed at the time that I knew who it was, and that they were coming out as bisexual. I've since come to believe that it was someone else, and that I had helped them to realize that they needed to transition.

I want to get back to that. I want to feel like I'm doing something good for the world. So, maybe it's time to go back to basics. In a matter of a couple of weeks, we will be ushering a government administration that wants for people like me and my friend circle to not exist. So, I feel like it's up to us to educate the world on why we deserve to exist. Especially given how much creativity would be lost to the world if all the LGBTQIA+ people were to be exterminated. (Yes, I get that that sounds like I'm being extreme, but, nobody figured that Hitler was going to exterminate 6 million Jewish people and another 5 million other people, either, so...)

We're All in This Together

Every year, at Pride, I have such high hopes that this year will be the year that we embrace what Pride was originally intended to be. And every year, I'm disappointed by all the infighting within our community, at the start of Pride season.

Pride was created in 1970, as a way to commemorate the community coming together for a common goal during the Stonewall Riots on June 28, 1969.

If you're not familiar, let me bring you up to speed. Stonewall Inn is in New York City.  It was (essentially) a gay bar, at a time when it was literally illegal for groups of homosexuals to gather in public places.  Raids by the police were commonplace. Those who were arrested by during raids were often outed publicly, losing jobs, homes, etc., as there were no protections for any of that at the time.

On June 28th, 1969, the patrons of Stonewall had had enough.  Yet another raid happened. And people came together, regardless of their designation in the LGBTQ spectrum. Marsha P Johnson and Silvia Rivera are credited with starting the riots.  Marsha P Johnson was an African American drag queen. Silvia Rivera was a Latinx transgender woman. Both performed in drag and supported transgender and gay rights throughout their lives.

After the riots, the local community struggled to come together. (Something that we still are struggling with, some 50 years later.) But, they did. And, they launched a push to celebrate remembrance of the events at Stonewall, nationwide. (That we still celebrate.)

So, why am I disappointed in the LGBTQ community every year, when Pride comes around?

In a community full of brilliant minds and activists of every shape, size and color, we should be able to put aside our differences. But inevitably, what happens, is that we erase letters from our acronym, according to what our letters are.

A post to the Blackstones Facebook page a couple of weeks ago started a demonizing of Pride, and of the community as a whole. While this may have been helpful in getting across a point, which it did, in proving the point, it further divided a community that is already fragile enough.

Add to that, a straight group petitioning the city of Boston to be able to hold a Straight Pride parade in August. People are losing their minds over this. Is it ridiculous? Absolutely. Straight people don't need to fear for their lives just for being themselves. But, denying the rights for Straights to have their parade sets a precedent that could easily backfire for OUR community.

If you want to have your voice be heard, protest. Protest loudly. Protest often. Grab a rainbow colored pussy hat and go to the straight pride parade. Write OP Ed's that explain that the First Amendment, which allows us the freedom to gather for pride is a luxury that is afforded to everyone in this country...because, again, if it gets denied, there is a precedent being set that will allow our things.to.be denied.

We live in a time where it feels like the government is trying to erase the entire LGBTQ community. It is harder and harder every day for the most vulnerable of us to even be visible. And yet, we continue to degrade ourselves and spread further discontent amongst ourselves, all in the name of "helping the community."

Follow the example of those who have come before you. Fight for all of our rights, not just those that benefit the people who look and act like you. Stand up for the less visible in our community.  Extend an olive branch to those who you have ignored based on their differences.

Gay men have had our time in the spotlight, in this fight for our rights. Certainly,  we are nowhere near finished.with the fight. But, until we embrace the other letters in our acronym and start protecting the vulnerable, we can never win this fight.

Remember, Pride is a celebration of the beginning of our fight 50 years ago. But, just think, if we can come together, (like we did after Stonewall) some day we could be using Pride as a way to celebrate the end of our fight as well. Support all the letters in the alphabet soup of our community, because that is the only.way we can win this.

Happy Pride!🌈🌈🌈

An Angry Young Man

I've spent 12 of the last 15 years working in jobs where I literally listen to their problems and try to help them solve them. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost myself completely.

In an effort to not get too close with clients, I started to put feelings in boxes that I could lock away and never have to deal with again. Once I started it was nearly impossible to stop.

The result of course, is that now, I don't remember what emotions go with what feelings. And, the one emotion I do remember, is the one I would most like to forget.

Anger. I am an angry person. I'm angry because I don't know what else to be. I'm angry because I blame myself for everything. I'm angry because I'm so disillusioned by people that I just don't even want to deal with them anymore. I'm angry because I destroyed my first relationship and didn't even know I was doing it. I'm angry because I have continued to do so with every relationship since. I'm angry because I can't speak my mind without someone trying to cover it up with a band aid. I don't need anyone else to fix my issues. I am the only one who can do that. I'm angry because I've stopped trying to speak my mind and tell people how I feel. I am angry that I feel the need to apologize for everything, whether it involves me or not.

I'm angry that the one person I should have been taking care of is the one person I didn't. Me.

I'm tired of apologizing for things that are not my fault. I'm tired of being caught in the middle of things that adults should work out themselves, respectfully. I'm tired of the toll that physically my anger is taking on my body. I have days when I am so stressed out that my body liquified everything when I cannot stay out of the restroom. I have days when I am so angry that I just want to hit something. I have days where there is so much anger in me that I feel like I have given a wet willy to an electrical outlet, because I can feel the electric currents running through my body.

But, I'm not supposed to get upset if someone comes for me. I'm not allowed to have an attitude when I'm given an attitude. I'm overreacting if it appears that we have an issue and I ask why. I'm overreacting if I show any kind of emotion.

If you preach love, but spew hate, you have no right to wonder why I'm confused and don't understand where I stand with you.

I just can't anymore.

We live in a country that preaches "Make America Great Again," but is literally pitting person against person. America could be great again, if we just stopped talking for the sake of talking. It could be great again if we listened to hear, instead of listening for our turn to talk.

Don't come at me with guns a blazing, and expect me to just roll over and take it. There is a word for that. It's called abuse.

I'm tired of being walked over like a doormat. I'm tired of being expected to be respectful when I'm treated with blatant disrespect to my face and behind my back. If you want me to treat you with respect, then you at least owe me the same decency.

I've spent my whole life just taking it. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I just accepted the name calling. The disrespect. The whispers and laughing. Even so far as to allow other people to tell me how to feel.

I've spent most of my adult life trying to please other people, at the expense of not knowing how to please myself. So it's time I take back control. I get to say what's respectful and what's not. I get to say if I'm happy or sad or angry. Its time I try to find what makes me happy. It's time that I start opening my baggage and see just what it is that I have to unpack. Once its unpacked, then it's time to start letting it go.

It's time that I do a soft reset on my life, and see if I can find a shiny version of myself. Or keep resetting until I do. You live your life, I'll live mine. Just stop trying to tell me how to live mine, because, it's not cute.

No Excuses...

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I have been mostly silent, over the last (shall we say) year.  I spent more time in that period of time, trying to figure out excuses to give as to why I'm not writing anymore.  But, nobody wants excuses.

It stopped being fun.  The world of drag as I had known it, became a place I didn't like. And, I had started the descent into a period of depression.  Everything that I enjoyed, had begun to turn.  Pandora Boxx called me out in person for a bad review I had written after seeing her perform.  I had hurt people's feelings.  And, I just got overwhelmed.

It became easier and easier to just keep the memories of the shows that I attended as just that...memories and photographs.  And, then the photos stopped being fun.  Everything had begun to feel like work...that I was doing as a volunteer, and not getting paid for.  Nor, was I getting any recognition when people would use my photos.  So, I stopped posting photos.

And, then I stopped going to shows.  It was always easy to do it when work was part of the equation...because it was a built in excuse. A few times I was sick, for real...but, also another built in excuse.

My life has become an exercise in isolating myself from everyone and everything.  Why say something, when someone is going to be offended by it, potentially?  I quit everything that I enjoyed, and just started falling into my cell phone and tv shows.  I'd stopped drawing for myself.  I had begun doing cartoon portraits for drag queens.  Their follow up ideas, I couldn't get my work to fit their expectations.  I got a "Who's that supposed to be?" once, and really haven't taken on any new drawings since.  It became an extremely stressful job, for the amount of money that I would get from a new project.  So, I just stopped.

See a pattern forming?  I certainly do now.  I didn't see it, at the time, when it was happening.

For a while, the only thing that kept me from losing any kind of presence online was my Bowtie Fridays on Instagram.  And, then, even that began to be a stress. I would wait until the night before, and sew the tie for the next morning before I went to bed.  I would force myself to make the tie and take the picture, because I knew that it was fun for other people.  In over a year, I have only missed one week's photo...That was about two weeks ago.

Last week, one night, I sat up and wrote myself a list, using I statements of both good and bad things.  And, during the creation of this page, I felt the switch flip in my mind, so the depression is retreating...for now.

I started drawing for myself again.  I had two photo shoots and a behind the scenes of a photo shoot shoot with Shaunna Rai.  The photos I took came out amazing, if I do say so myself (because people on Facebook say they're good.)  And, Shaunna Rai reminded me that I should start writing again.

The goal, from here on out, is to do what is fun.  And, if we're lucky, we keep the depression beast away.

All Together Now. Everybody!

I came out in 1998. At the time, I was living in Philadelphia and had just gained my freedom from my parents and high school and all the kids that spent years calling me names. I knew what it meant that I was coming out. I was most upset by the fact that it meant that 90 percent of the names I was called were, in fact, accurate.

I never made it to Philly Pride. I'm still a bit sad about that. I never made it to any pride until 2012.

Fast forward to 2012. In 2012, I attended my first Pride, in Boston. I was fresh out of an 11 year relationship, and wanted to feel like I was a part of something. I went with a friend, who ditched me to go be on a float for Machine. I survived and I actually had fun...Although I still didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe I don't really fit in anywhere.

Fast forward a couple years to the creation of Pride Portland. For the first time, I felt like, "this is where I belong. These are my people." And, for a while it was really good. Pride felt like a safe place and a place to have fun with a bunch of other queer people, when you didn't have to worry about how you were perceived by others. We were all there to have a good time and only worry about ourselves.

Cue the end of the Obama administration and the start of the Trump administration.  Pride Portland has been in existence for a few years and the committee has begun to change. People have stepped down, new people have stepped up. But, the tone has changed. Not just in Portland, Maine, but across the country and, potentially, across the globe.

The atmosphere in general, since the new president was elected has been a severely divided atmosphere. It was like that before, granted. But, things came to a head after the election.

Words like Cis started being thrown around. And not in a descriptive way, but in an accusatory way. Drag Queens stopped being asked to do things for Pride because they weren't family friendly enough. Trans people and people of color were feeling like they don't have a voice in Pride. And, so the pendulum has begun its swing to the other side. This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

This year's pride committee has done everything  (from what I'm hearing from committee members) to make this year's Pride more inclusive of ALL members of the LGBTQIAA community. This should be a good thing. However, I have also seen posts from some of these same people talking about how cisgender white gay males in particular have appropriated a celebration that they have no right to, so they can dance around in harnesses and speedos in the street, covered in glitter.

As someone who has photographed multiple prides, I will say this. The only thing that I am doing there is documenting a fight that still is ages away from being over. I will never dance in the street covered in glitter wearing a speedo, because I don't have the self confidence to do so. My goal is to get across as much of the charged energy coming from marchers and signs. And, over the course of the last few years, yes, Pride has been very white. But, my question is this...is it because we are excluding people of color? Or is it that they just don't come to pride? Or is it that we literally live in one of the whitest states in the country? Or am I just an ignorant cisgender white gay man, who is angry at being scapegoat for a bigger problem? Or is it a combination of all of the above?

I will support Pride again this year, because I feel like it's as much of a civic duty as voting. For better or worse, these are my people and I want to preserve this for the next generations, because we're already losing so much of our history as gay people to either Hollywood whitewashing or to ignorance of historical fact.

If we are to continue as a community, yes we need to be more inclusive of ALL people. We need to preserve the history of those who have come before us. We need to support each other, not tear each  other down. Listen to each other. Know that the fight is all of ours and not just one person's. If we want to succeed we need to come together. Because, in all honesty, the more we name call and tear down each other's groups, the more fractured we become. And, eventually, you can't come back from that. 

What's the Story, Morning Glory?

I've taken a lot of time off from doing anything to do with drag, over the last year.  A lot of it, just has to do with me trying to figure out myself, although, I attribute a lot of it to other things...

The biggest thing, was that doing drag photography stopped being fun.  Going to drag shows was fine, because I got attention, that I apparently crave, from the queens...but, it became a thankless work.  And, it just wasn't fun.  I have spent entire shows running around chasing the queens, to get "perfect" pictures, that will get used, but I won't ever even get credit for taking. 

I've been working on some trading cards for Shaunna Rai, so she can hand them out, as a business card of sorts.  While some of them are her selfies, it's given me an opportunity to work my skills as a graphic designer, and photo editor.  One of the cards, is a photo of Shaunna that I had taken before a Christmas show that she did.  The request was that the photo be edited to make it usable at any time during the year, instead of just Christmas.  So, I started playing with Photoshop Elements, and turned Christmas into a tropical getaway look.  One of my proudest achievements, until I actually got the cards here, and realized that I had missed a few spots of the photo, during the editing of the dress color that remain the original red color. 

After having gone to see Bunny Wonderland and Joslyn Fox in The Bunny and the Fox Show in Portsmouth, and having prime real estate for photographs, and not having to run after the performers, I decided to go back to the photos from Christmas, and start deciding which ones to post. 

Because of the sheer amount of photos that I take during any given show, I have enough photos to be able to tell the story of most of a performance.  And, I realized, for the first time, since Cherry Lemonade told me that my writing here was important, because it told a story and allowed the performers to have something to remember it by, that that's what my whole aim has been in all the time I've taken these pictures.  I haven't always done a good job of it.  Some of the photo albums on Facebook look like I just chose random photos and stuck them there.  Some, are completely random photos.  Some were before I realized that I could take photos without a flash, so I was at the mercy of how quickly the flash would recharge before the next picture would snap.

With the realization of not needing to use the flash to still get good pictures, I started taking way more pictures, with a much better chance of getting stuff I could use.  This gave more of a total overview of the show.  But, with the last couple of batches of photos that I've taken, when it came time to post them, I realized that by editing a little, and not including every photo that "may be okay", and only going for the ones with a (totally subjective) wow factor that I could actually give more of a visual story of each performance. 

Unfortunately, it's not an exact art.  I still have a hard time getting accurate photos, because some performers just move faster than others, and some know how to use the lights best for photography.  So, it still looks like I give preferential treatment to some, more than others.  It gives me a goal, though, to figure out how to capture those lower light, super fast moving photos...and have it look like I've frozen the moment in time.

Anyway, back to the narrative aspect of the photos.  When I started writing the blog, here, it was often to tell the story of how the show went.  Laying out the photos as more of a "Graphic Novel" set up, instead of just a "Photo Album," has given me a different outlook on my pictures. One, that I feel might be able to get me out of the slump that I've been in when it comes to drag shows recently. 

So, goals for 2018:
1) Get out of the slump.
2) Learn to freeze frame during a performance, so that all details are clear
3) Make the best of super low lighting for photos, so I don't lose half a performance.
4) Don't let anyone take away the fun in shooting, because if it isn't fun, you shouldn't be doing it.

Mental--Help Me

People care more about things that don't matter, than they do about what does.

A couple weeks ago, Katya's male alter ego Brian had posted online that Katya would not be performing for the remainder of 2018, due to needing to recharge and take care of his mental health.

The message a lot of people took away from this, based on comments I read, was that Drag Race ended up being too much for her and that she was done.

What the message they should have taken out of it was "I'm human. I don't work a 9-5 job. And, I need some time."

When mental health or mental illness is involved, you need to pay attention. Dealing with other people day in and day out, for some is no issue. For others, it's a struggle. And throwing a diagnosis into the fray, well, all bets are off.

I've seen too many lives in people around me, cut short, because something, treated or not, finally won the inner war.  But, we aren't allowed to talk about that. Why? Because there is a giant stigma about having any kind of perceived mental defect. So, we don't talk about depression. We don't talk about anxiety. We don't talk about the days that you literally have to pep talk yourself out of your bed, to go to work. We don't talk about rehearsing conversations in your mind, to ensure that nothing you say can be taken wrong. We don't talk about replaying every conversation you had during the day, multiple times to ensure that whatever you thought you were giving for a message would be interpreted correctly. We don't talk about the days when, for absolutely no reason, you're on the verge of tears. We don't talk about thinking that "Nobody would really care if I were dead." Male on male rape, sexual harassment, sexual assault...those aren't real...

Except they are. The #MeToo movement has begun to bring up the idea that men can be victims too. And yet, people believe that the alleged victims are just looking for their 15 minutes of fame.

The struggles of daily life should be discussed. They should not be shamed. You are not weak for having emotions. You are strong because you have them. If you made it through the day, without harm, congratulate yourself. You earned it.

If you're struggling, seek help. Talk to someone close to you about how you're feeling. Seek alternate outlets for your emotions if needed. Journal, draw, listen to music...or if you're like me, watch Drag Race. Find something that makes you happy. Allow yourself to be happy, even if you feel like you don't deserve to be.

Remember that you never know what kind of a war the person standing next to you is fighting. So always be kind.

Take care of yourself. "'Cause if you can't take care of yourself, how the hell you gonna take care of somebody else?"

Art More

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an artist.  

I re-edited a photo to create this. 
Shaunna's T-shirts have this as an option
(minus the background.)

Now that I'm an adult, I wonder if I'll ever make money enough to live on as an artist.  And, I wonder what kind of an artist I'm going to be.  This second question is one that I never thought about as a kid.

I spent a lot of time trying to learn every hobby that I could, to see what I liked, and what I would be good at.  I taught myself how to draw.  I wrote stories.  I learned how to sew.  I played the clarinet (badly, but I tried.)  When I got my first computer, and a program that would let me start playing with layers and transparency, I taught myself how to combine photos to make a more interesting image.  I tried my hand at web design (better than I was with the clarinet, but still not very good.)  

I started an online drag coloring
book featuring people who I have
drawn cartoon portraits of.

The other night, Shaunna Rai had a show with Bunny Wonderland, Joslyn Fox and Cherry Lemonade, and a couple of girls from New Hampshire that I don't know.  I had to work, and it would have been cutting it close, to try to get there in time for the show to start.  So, I chose to stay home.  And, I started working on a project.  Shaunna Rai has been posting old photos on her instagram recently, and found some more pictures that she wanted to post, but they needed to be scanned first.  So, I decided to start scanning the pictures, while she was gone.  

About a quarter of the way through the pile of photos, it hit me.  As I played around with the brightness and contrast of the scanned photos, I realized that I've fulfilled my desire to be an artist.  And, photography is just a part of who I am as an artist.  

After hearing that Lady Valerie
Honeywell had a trading card,
Shaunna now has a trading card
set of 4 different cards.
Miss E'on and Leanna Love each
also each have one card.

You see, what I hadn't really taken into consideration is that my desire to be good at everything, gave me more tools than I know what to do with.  And, so while, some things, like painting are non-favorable forms of creation, others have been added.  Photoshop Elements, Light Room and Paint Tool Sai have become my tools of creation...along with the old standby of a pencil and paper.  The computer gave me the ability to paint, without getting messy...which was something I hated in school, and even more, during art school.  Painting meant that I was going to be stained, personally, or that I was going to ruin an article of clothing.  

2017 was a good year for me
as far as doing drawings, like this one
of Lindsey Devereaux.

I have thousands and thousands of photos in my life.  I have probably 10 different SD cards with varying amounts of photos on them.  My cell phone has so many photos.  My new external hard drive houses most of them.  My Facebook pages, the rest.  

With the creation of Shaunna Rai's merchandise line on DragQueenMerch.com, I started to combine my photography and my Photoshop skills.  And, I realized that there is still much that I need to learn.  And, I need to figure out how to break my way through the artistic/creative block that I have put up somehow.  In order for me to get better at my "graphic design" abilities, I need to challenge myself.  Each new task I give myself, or am given, I need to make it a test, to see what else I can learn.

So, my goal, for the year 2018, is to Art More...and learn more.  And, keep myself posting things.  Because the more I do it, the better the chance that the artist that I imagined at 5 I would be will become a reality.  And, who doesn't want to make the child they were at 5 proud?    

When Shaunna's Away...

When I was a kid, I spent so much time alone. Not necessarily physically alone, as in there were other people around, but more, I just liked doing stuff myself. As I entered the dating world, I stopped spending time alone. During my alone time, I used to draw, write stories and sing out loud to my music. At some point in time I convinced myself that those things were too childish, and I needed to grow up. I would occasionally seek out the childish part of me,  usually with a couple of drinks in me. But,  for the most part, even up until now, I've been "too grown up," to the point of blatantly ignoring the feeling to be creative.

Shaunna Rai has been in Texas with our friend, Z, for over a week. Dan has been in Texas since Saturday. So, I have been alone since Saturday afternoon. Like,  totally, physically alone. It's a little strange. The quiet in the house is deafening.

It has given me a lot of time to think. (And I still have another week alone, to go.) Some thoughts good, some bad. But, they're all valid and need to be acknowledged.

1.) I like being alone.
2.) I over-analyze everything before I let it come out of my mouth about 99 % of the time.
3.) I like the person that doesn't analyze stuff during the other 1%...I just don't know how to be that person.
4.) I feel the urge to couple up around Thanksgiving, historically, in my dating history. This year, I'm going to try to couple up with Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon.
5.) I have a difficult time completing tasks, because I usually have 10 other things going on in my head at the same time.
6.) Boredom makes me clean things. But,  cleaning things bores me. The house will probably be pretty clean when Dan gets back.
7.) I hate being told what to do. But, I like telling people what to do... Although almost always in the form of a question to allow them to say no, because that's what I do...
8.) I have an intense distrust of people's intentions. And of my own. Which is probably why I'm still single, a year and a half later.
9.) The buzz of the fish tank filter is really annoying.
10.) I like eating out, more than I like cooking for myself. Of the last three days,  I only cooked for myself once...but I have another week to cook, while I'm still alone.
11.) Discovering the Wish App was a bad, bad thing for me. I want to buy everything, because it's cheap.
12.) The old me,  a long time ago, used to actually enjoy going out to go shopping, even if he never bought anything. It has always been a quick in and out though. Except for video game shopping.
13.) I don't like being alone. And, I do like it. I don't like it, because on the rare occasions that I'm really excited about something, and decide to talk about it,  there's nobody to talk to. And having someone else around makes me feel secure. I do like it, because, quite frankly,  for the first time in my life, I'm completely alone. I don't have to deal with anyone's attitude but my own. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and not have to worry about its effects on anyone else. And, so, while I feel like I have total freedom, I am doing nothing with it,  but the same old stuff I always do.

My biggest hangup has been thinking about dating. On the one hand, I like not having to really answer to anyone but myself. But, I miss being held and kissed.

I have a love/hate relationship with the dating (hook-up) apps. I like when people want to talk to me. But, I usually make a fool of myself, and therefore never initiate conversation, because I'm scared to be rejected.

Dan and Z have been busy, so I am trying to not take all kinds of time up with messages. This trip is about him and Shaunna, not me.

It's been nice having the alone time... Mainly, because it has given me the chance to find pieces of me that I needed to be alone, to find, that I didn't know were missing.