No Excuses...

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I have been mostly silent, over the last (shall we say) year.  I spent more time in that period of time, trying to figure out excuses to give as to why I'm not writing anymore.  But, nobody wants excuses.

It stopped being fun.  The world of drag as I had known it, became a place I didn't like. And, I had started the descent into a period of depression.  Everything that I enjoyed, had begun to turn.  Pandora Boxx called me out in person for a bad review I had written after seeing her perform.  I had hurt people's feelings.  And, I just got overwhelmed.

It became easier and easier to just keep the memories of the shows that I attended as just that...memories and photographs.  And, then the photos stopped being fun.  Everything had begun to feel like work...that I was doing as a volunteer, and not getting paid for.  Nor, was I getting any recognition when people would use my photos.  So, I stopped posting photos.

And, then I stopped going to shows.  It was always easy to do it when work was part of the equation...because it was a built in excuse. A few times I was sick, for real...but, also another built in excuse.

My life has become an exercise in isolating myself from everyone and everything.  Why say something, when someone is going to be offended by it, potentially?  I quit everything that I enjoyed, and just started falling into my cell phone and tv shows.  I'd stopped drawing for myself.  I had begun doing cartoon portraits for drag queens.  Their follow up ideas, I couldn't get my work to fit their expectations.  I got a "Who's that supposed to be?" once, and really haven't taken on any new drawings since.  It became an extremely stressful job, for the amount of money that I would get from a new project.  So, I just stopped.

See a pattern forming?  I certainly do now.  I didn't see it, at the time, when it was happening.

For a while, the only thing that kept me from losing any kind of presence online was my Bowtie Fridays on Instagram.  And, then, even that began to be a stress. I would wait until the night before, and sew the tie for the next morning before I went to bed.  I would force myself to make the tie and take the picture, because I knew that it was fun for other people.  In over a year, I have only missed one week's photo...That was about two weeks ago.

Last week, one night, I sat up and wrote myself a list, using I statements of both good and bad things.  And, during the creation of this page, I felt the switch flip in my mind, so the depression is retreating...for now.

I started drawing for myself again.  I had two photo shoots and a behind the scenes of a photo shoot shoot with Shaunna Rai.  The photos I took came out amazing, if I do say so myself (because people on Facebook say they're good.)  And, Shaunna Rai reminded me that I should start writing again.

The goal, from here on out, is to do what is fun.  And, if we're lucky, we keep the depression beast away.