Speak, Boy, Speak!

Easter, according to Christian tradition is the day that Jesus rose from the grave, therefore it is a celebration or life and rebirth. In pagan tradition, it is a celebration of life and fertility. (The eggs equal fertility, and I can only assume that the reason why a giant rabbit is the symbol of the holiday, is because along with eating mass quantities of chocolate and jelly beans, we're all expected to screw like bunnies..?)

Easter has a different meaning for me though. Traditionally, for me, Easter has also been a time for rebirth. Or, more precisely, reinvention.

A number of years ago, having been struck with the plague (strep throat), while I house sat for my friends Jim and Nelson, I spent my first Easter alone. Completely alone. Having quarantined myself, I was single (at the time, for the first time since I was 19) and i was lonely. So, I did what any sane person would do, and went on Facebook to troll through all the pictures of people who were happily celebrating with their family or friends. (Brilliant, right? )

Anyway, it was during that time, that I realized that where I was at in my life wasn't healthy for me, and I needed to make a change. I made a plan...or at least a timeline for a plan, and then hoped like hell that everything would work out. Three months later I moved to South Portland, and my life changed in so many ways that I can't even begin to understand.

Since the move, I have had good times and bad. Times when I've wanted to move back to my parents' house. Times when I've just been over everything. And, times when I can't imagine how my life could be any better.

During one of these bad days, I wrote on my Facebook page about how much things have been sucking lately and how depressed I've been. I openly discussed anger with friends who have died due to suicide, and the fact that I understood why they would feel that that was their only way out. (A number of people assumed it was a suicide note.)*  

I thought nothing of it. I figured it was 3 am when I posted it, so nobody would see it, and then it would blow over. I would've gotten it off my chest, and that would be the end of it. I didn't expect what happened next.

I had a number of people thank me for my openness and honesty in what I had written. I had people private message me, to talk about their own depression. And, I still have people coming to me asking me if things are going any better for me. In fact, I had moved beyond it, and at one of the shows this weekend, I had the mother of one of the queens come up to me and ask me about how I was doing.  It was a little odd for me, because I didn't expect it.  

Because it has been a busy weekend, and I ended up having to do a lot of driving, some of it, on my own, I had a lot of time to think.  And, I came to a conclusion.  I come off as being totally aloof, and almost like I'm better than everyone else.  It's totally not intentional.  It's because I don't really talk.  I listen.  I plan.  And, only after I've figured out how to make a conversation so that nothing I say can be twisted, then I will respond.  It's part of my anxiety about people liking me.  And, it makes things really awkward when I'm out with other people.

So, while it's a baby step, I'm going to try to work with the momentum of the depression post, and try to be a little more responsive to people.  More than likely, it's going to take place via Facebook before it happens in person.  (Baby steps.)  But, I need to break myself out of the self-imposed prison of my thoughts.  I can be funny, and I can be insightful.  People respond well to my writing.  And, the one thing that people always tell Dan/Shaunna Rai about me, is that they wish that I would speak up and have an opinion.  (I do have an opinion, I just don't always feel like everyone needs to know it.)  

So, given the fact that I choose not to make a New Year's resolution, because I always fail at them, I want to try to make my Easter reinvention happen again. So, if I randomly talk to you, please realize, that I'm trying to put myself out of my comfort zone, and that it's taking a lot of courage for me to do so.

*This is the original Facebook post, I refer to...in case you wanted a reference point.

So, March is turning out to be a pretty shitty month for me. I'd signed up for a whole month worth of shifts, only for them to be cancelled with no notice. Then, on top of that, Expert is unable to get me shifts. So, I'm not getting hours. So, I'm not getting paid. Which, in itself, is unacceptable. I feel like there's a noose tightening around my throat, the closer we get to rent being due again. As it is, I'm not going to be able to pay the cable or electric, or my car payments. I'm lucky that I was able to pay my car insurance. And, I'll be lucky, if I can get hours to be able to pay my rent.

Over the years, a number of people I've known have taken the only route that they saw to get out of this kind of situation. They've taken their own lives. For a long time, I've been angry at them. All of them. Missy, John, Leroy and Chase. It never made any sense to me why. They didn't have bad lives. They had things to live for. But, they chose to stop. And, everyone else had to deal with the fallout.

I never understood...in spite of my own history of depression and suicidal feelings. I've never been able to go through with it, because I'm an eternal optimist, and, in my world, everything will get better, eventually. It's just a shitty time at the moment. But, it clicked today. I hit the point, this afternoon, when I realized, it's not up to me to decide whether they were right or wrong to do what they ultimately did. I'm choosing to let the anger go. I understand the feeling that the walls are closing in around you, with no signs of a doorway to go through, to make it all better. I understand feeling trapped, and like nobody else in the world cares about what happens to you. I understand the thought process behind cutting short a life with so much promise. And, it's scary as fuck.

All that being said, I just need to vent, and get down the thoughts that have been in my head all afternoon. I'm having a rough time. The struggle is excruciating. I'm at the point of wanting to give up. But, I know that it's all temporary. The pendulum will swing the other way, and things will go back to normal. I just need to have patience. I'm applying for jobs. I'm trying to get myself out there. I'm trying to get to the point of making a profit (however small), off my photography. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. And, I know, that for so many of the feelings I'm feeling, I'm the only one who can change them. I need to take matters into my own hands, and assert myself. No more letting people tell me what's best for me. If things aren't working, it's time to change them. Like Aida said in "Enchantment Passing Through,"

"If you don't like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you. So don't expect any pity or understanding from this humble palace slave!"

Mostly, I'm putting this out there, to work through some dark feelings, and try to get out of the darkness that I've been feeling. While I can empathize with the feelings of wanting to end it, I have no intention of doing so. But, it was necessary to work through because my mind went there today. I will do no harm to myself or others. I just ask for a little bit of kindness and a lot bit of luck over the next few weeks/months. I may be looking at a potential career change in July, if things work out right. So, I'm just keeping my options open, and hoping for something to work out in my favor.

And, just as a PSA (I'm in no way involved with the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, but wanted to link to them, just in case anyone needs them.):
No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.