Candlelight Vigil

After the horrific events in Orlando, over the weekend, I dreaded the fallout. The blame that would be thrown around on people, religions, and worst of all, on the victims.

Yesterday evening, Portland had a vigil, which we didn't go to. Partly, because I didn't know about it. It was like a last minute thing. They had another one tonight as well. And, Lewiston/Auburn had one as well.

I've been so angry about what happened, and the way that people have responded with blame and hate instead of the compassion for the family and friends of the victims. Because I'm not in Orlando, I don't know what else there is that I can do, but I feel like there has to be something that I can do.

I received an email from Outright, telling about the vigil. And, later I got an event invite on Facebook, for it. I wrestled with the idea of going, for a good part of the day, because, while it would possibly help me feel better, it really does nothing for the people who were actually involved, or my friends who have been affected by the losses of their friends. But, it was also one of those things that I felt like I needed to do at least once in my life, for the experience.

The experience was much different than I had imagined it. Initially, I had pictured that Dan and I would go together, but he decided against it. I got there, and it was busier than I thought it would be. I saw a couple people I knew. I stood there with a candle, which, because of the wind, refused to stay lit.

The speakers started to speak, and I decided that it would be a good time to post my first Facebook Live video. So, while I tried to keep my candle lit (it literally only lasted about 3 seconds), I filmed what was happening. I missed the opening statement, because I didn't think to film in time. And, I didn't bring my camera, because I wanted to be just another supporter...The next speaker came up, and read out of the bible. It was moving, but given the (potentially) religious nature of the shooting, it felt wrong to me. (Although, this could also be due in part to my lack of a religious affiliation, by choice.) A rabbi and his family came and sang a song in Hebrew. Then, they read the names.

The reading of the names was hard to go through. Just the sheer number of names was painful. Having seen the stories of a few of the victims, it was like pulling off a bandaid and ripping off the scab, hearing their names called.

The unfortunate thing about being from Maine, is that there is not a ton of diversity. And, with a predominantly Latin list of names, it was slightly painful hearing bad pronunciations.

A couple more speakers came up, at which point, my video died, because my battery ran out.

The vigil ended with everyone holding hands and singing. (Which felt really awkward.)

Then, it was over.

In the moment, I felt good about having been there. Like, by putting my positive energy in the universe, I was doing something good, and helpful. But, now I'm not so sure. I still haven't really done anything...and I still don't really feel any better about any of it.

How do you move on emotionally after something like this?