I started writing this months ago, and couldn't finish it, because it didn't know how. It's all as true today as it was when it started it though. Only, now I know that the story doesn't end...
I come off as aloof and naive, if you follow me in any way on social media. I don't talk about politics... I don't often talk about anything real. Nobody really knows me. Not the me inside. The me who is always in his head; thinking, listening, learning, and wanting to make a difference--somehow...
The super politically charged atmosphere of the United States (specifically) and the world (in general) has begun to cause me a lot of anxiety and anger. Anxiety, I feel all the time. Anger, in general, is a new feeling for me. I don't understand it. And, it frustrates me. I want to find a way to make myself heard. I need a way to say my piece, without fear of humiliation, or retaliation. And, I want to make a difference.
Dragged to the Inside, for the last 3 years or so, has been that outlet for me. I talk about Drag. I hit on other topics. And, from time to time, I do post something (only to the blog) that I don't post on Facebook, because...well, I second guess the things I put on Facebook. I have created a brand of sorts, I suppose, and so when stuff doesn't quite fit that model, I don't cross post it. Because...fear. Fear of how it will be received. Fear of being ridiculed for what I say, or worse, being hated for it. My need to be accepted by people, often times keeps me from talking, when I should. Because, God forbid I say something wrong, that makes someone mad.
And, yet, it's okay for the rest of the world to tear each other to pieces.
Last night, began the miniseries "When We Rise," on ABC. Watching it, opened something inside me. Because, I realized, that, really, I have done nothing to further the Gay Rights Movement. Not really. Not when there are so many people who I have attended events with, who have been a part of the "Maine Chapter," who have actually done things. Or at least have been part of the community, and not hidden away in their own little castle, separate from the rest of the world.
Shaunna Rai: Shaunna is always going to be my go-to when it comes to the blog. One, because we're roommates. And, for almost 5 years, we dated. So, Shaunna and Dan have been big influencers on me. Both in terms of my artwork, and my desire to be a part of something bigger than myself. Shaunna has been performing for more than two decades as the queen of the reveal. And, she puts herself out there for the Frannie Peabody Center, and HIV/AIDS related causes.
Chris O: Chris O is the kind of person I wish I could be. Outgoing, and super active in the community. He works for Equality Maine. He helped revitalize the Pride festival in Portland. He was a DJ at Styxx, for years. He helped bring a portion of the AIDS Quilt to Portland, and actually spoke with Cleve Jones (one of the people who the series is based on), in order to do so. I'm sure there is so much more that I don't even know about.
Michael and Steven: When we lived in Portland, they didn't live far from us. They were the first Legally Married gay couple in the state of Maine. They worked with the Pride committee. Somewhere along the way, Eartha Quakes works into their story.
Marlena and Ashley: Over the years, I have heard more stories about Ashley and Marlena than I will ever be able to remember. Shaunna Rai performed with them for quite a while. Ashley passed away before I came into the picture, so I will never know her. But, Marlena, I've been friends with on Facebook for a while. She has been part of so much of the fight for rights. I look forward to seeing her posts every day. She inspires me to be the best person I can be, because whatever fighting that I have done, is nothing compared to what she has fought for.
Mat: Mat worked for Frannie Peabody Center, for the entire time that I've known him, until the last few months. He attends every event. He supports everything in the community. And, along with Chris O, his name is synonymous with just about anything gay in Portland. He's another person I wish I were more like.
I could go through my whole list of friends and acquaintances, and probably could explain to you why each of them has done more for the community than I have.
This year, Pride made me incredibly emotional, and I can't really figure out what it was that was different. I was still there with camera in hand, taking thousands of pictures. I was still just there to experience it. And I almost broke down crying for absolutely no reason that I could identify.
The super politically charged atmosphere of the United States (specifically) and the world (in general) has begun to cause me a lot of anxiety and anger. Anxiety, I feel all the time. Anger, in general, is a new feeling for me. I don't understand it. And, it frustrates me. I want to find a way to make myself heard. I need a way to say my piece, without fear of humiliation, or retaliation. And, I want to make a difference.
Dragged to the Inside, for the last 3 years or so, has been that outlet for me. I talk about Drag. I hit on other topics. And, from time to time, I do post something (only to the blog) that I don't post on Facebook, because...well, I second guess the things I put on Facebook. I have created a brand of sorts, I suppose, and so when stuff doesn't quite fit that model, I don't cross post it. Because...fear. Fear of how it will be received. Fear of being ridiculed for what I say, or worse, being hated for it. My need to be accepted by people, often times keeps me from talking, when I should. Because, God forbid I say something wrong, that makes someone mad.
And, yet, it's okay for the rest of the world to tear each other to pieces.
Last night, began the miniseries "When We Rise," on ABC. Watching it, opened something inside me. Because, I realized, that, really, I have done nothing to further the Gay Rights Movement. Not really. Not when there are so many people who I have attended events with, who have been a part of the "Maine Chapter," who have actually done things. Or at least have been part of the community, and not hidden away in their own little castle, separate from the rest of the world.
Shaunna Rai: Shaunna is always going to be my go-to when it comes to the blog. One, because we're roommates. And, for almost 5 years, we dated. So, Shaunna and Dan have been big influencers on me. Both in terms of my artwork, and my desire to be a part of something bigger than myself. Shaunna has been performing for more than two decades as the queen of the reveal. And, she puts herself out there for the Frannie Peabody Center, and HIV/AIDS related causes.
Chris O: Chris O is the kind of person I wish I could be. Outgoing, and super active in the community. He works for Equality Maine. He helped revitalize the Pride festival in Portland. He was a DJ at Styxx, for years. He helped bring a portion of the AIDS Quilt to Portland, and actually spoke with Cleve Jones (one of the people who the series is based on), in order to do so. I'm sure there is so much more that I don't even know about.
Michael and Steven: When we lived in Portland, they didn't live far from us. They were the first Legally Married gay couple in the state of Maine. They worked with the Pride committee. Somewhere along the way, Eartha Quakes works into their story.
Marlena and Ashley: Over the years, I have heard more stories about Ashley and Marlena than I will ever be able to remember. Shaunna Rai performed with them for quite a while. Ashley passed away before I came into the picture, so I will never know her. But, Marlena, I've been friends with on Facebook for a while. She has been part of so much of the fight for rights. I look forward to seeing her posts every day. She inspires me to be the best person I can be, because whatever fighting that I have done, is nothing compared to what she has fought for.
Mat: Mat worked for Frannie Peabody Center, for the entire time that I've known him, until the last few months. He attends every event. He supports everything in the community. And, along with Chris O, his name is synonymous with just about anything gay in Portland. He's another person I wish I were more like.
I could go through my whole list of friends and acquaintances, and probably could explain to you why each of them has done more for the community than I have.
This year, Pride made me incredibly emotional, and I can't really figure out what it was that was different. I was still there with camera in hand, taking thousands of pictures. I was still just there to experience it. And I almost broke down crying for absolutely no reason that I could identify.
Because I'm an awkward person, events with people, I would rather avoid. But, having a camera gives me an out of having to make small talk. And, it gets me into events sometimes. The very events that I would otherwise avoid out of sheer panic. But, when I'm working, I'm not thinking.
So, even when I'm not tasked with working, like the parade today, it keeps me grounded. But, sometime in the middle of the parade, it hit me. I've always said that I wanted to be a part of something bigger than me. And, in my own way, I am. Cherry Lemonade once told me that what I do is important. I write about the experiences, and I have photographic proof that I was there. (This is where the bit about "When We Rise" ties it all together.)
I've been lucky to never have to really fight for my own rights, really. I've always voted for LGBTQ Rights. But, otherwise, I've never really been part of a movement. Only, I have. On multiple occasions, I've worked with Equality Maine, as a volunteer for their fundraisers. And, I've volunteered as a photographer for Pride events. These are important events, whether they appear to be or not. Without them, we would be in a different place in the gay community than where we currently are.
Depending on how technology changes in the future, will determine the lastingness of digital photography...but, potentially those photos could last long beyond my life. And, while my focus is generally on drag, I try to get a little bit of everything. And, this will be my legacy. I may not be a huge fund raiser. I may not be head of anything. But, I am as important to the cause, because I can prove that it happened.
That is my activism. Well, that, and being able to talk openly about the fact that I'm Gay. I'm open about. I don't hide that I go to functions that are fund raisers for LGBTQ causes.
And in a world that has Donald Trump as president of the United States, it would be easy to jump back in a closet and wish that it would go away. What takes guts is putting yourself out there, and being you. Whether you are a brick thrower at Stonewall, a drag queen, a dj, or a photographer who wears a different bowtie every Friday, keep being you. Live life out loud and proud. You are as important to the cause as anyone else.
Happy Pride, everyone.
These Queens have dressed like this every Pride for at least the last 25 years, if not more.#knowyourhistory #knowyourherstory
2017 Pride Parade 
Lady Ginger at Equality Maine's Spirit of Pride Cruise 
Shaunna Rai 
No comments:
Post a Comment