When I was a kid, I spent so much time alone. Not necessarily physically alone, as in there were other people around, but more, I just liked doing stuff myself. As I entered the dating world, I stopped spending time alone. During my alone time, I used to draw, write stories and sing out loud to my music. At some point in time I convinced myself that those things were too childish, and I needed to grow up. I would occasionally seek out the childish part of me, usually with a couple of drinks in me. But, for the most part, even up until now, I've been "too grown up," to the point of blatantly ignoring the feeling to be creative.
Shaunna Rai has been in Texas with our friend, Z, for over a week. Dan has been in Texas since Saturday. So, I have been alone since Saturday afternoon. Like, totally, physically alone. It's a little strange. The quiet in the house is deafening.
It has given me a lot of time to think. (And I still have another week alone, to go.) Some thoughts good, some bad. But, they're all valid and need to be acknowledged.
1.) I like being alone.
2.) I over-analyze everything before I let it come out of my mouth about 99 % of the time.
3.) I like the person that doesn't analyze stuff during the other 1%...I just don't know how to be that person.
4.) I feel the urge to couple up around Thanksgiving, historically, in my dating history. This year, I'm going to try to couple up with Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon.
5.) I have a difficult time completing tasks, because I usually have 10 other things going on in my head at the same time.
6.) Boredom makes me clean things. But, cleaning things bores me. The house will probably be pretty clean when Dan gets back.
7.) I hate being told what to do. But, I like telling people what to do... Although almost always in the form of a question to allow them to say no, because that's what I do...
8.) I have an intense distrust of people's intentions. And of my own. Which is probably why I'm still single, a year and a half later.
9.) The buzz of the fish tank filter is really annoying.
10.) I like eating out, more than I like cooking for myself. Of the last three days, I only cooked for myself once...but I have another week to cook, while I'm still alone.
11.) Discovering the Wish App was a bad, bad thing for me. I want to buy everything, because it's cheap.
12.) The old me, a long time ago, used to actually enjoy going out to go shopping, even if he never bought anything. It has always been a quick in and out though. Except for video game shopping.
13.) I don't like being alone. And, I do like it. I don't like it, because on the rare occasions that I'm really excited about something, and decide to talk about it, there's nobody to talk to. And having someone else around makes me feel secure. I do like it, because, quite frankly, for the first time in my life, I'm completely alone. I don't have to deal with anyone's attitude but my own. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and not have to worry about its effects on anyone else. And, so, while I feel like I have total freedom, I am doing nothing with it, but the same old stuff I always do.
My biggest hangup has been thinking about dating. On the one hand, I like not having to really answer to anyone but myself. But, I miss being held and kissed.
I have a love/hate relationship with the dating (hook-up) apps. I like when people want to talk to me. But, I usually make a fool of myself, and therefore never initiate conversation, because I'm scared to be rejected.
Dan and Z have been busy, so I am trying to not take all kinds of time up with messages. This trip is about him and Shaunna, not me.
It's been nice having the alone time... Mainly, because it has given me the chance to find pieces of me that I needed to be alone, to find, that I didn't know were missing.
No comments:
Post a Comment