We're All in This Together

Every year, at Pride, I have such high hopes that this year will be the year that we embrace what Pride was originally intended to be. And every year, I'm disappointed by all the infighting within our community, at the start of Pride season.

Pride was created in 1970, as a way to commemorate the community coming together for a common goal during the Stonewall Riots on June 28, 1969.

If you're not familiar, let me bring you up to speed. Stonewall Inn is in New York City.  It was (essentially) a gay bar, at a time when it was literally illegal for groups of homosexuals to gather in public places.  Raids by the police were commonplace. Those who were arrested by during raids were often outed publicly, losing jobs, homes, etc., as there were no protections for any of that at the time.

On June 28th, 1969, the patrons of Stonewall had had enough.  Yet another raid happened. And people came together, regardless of their designation in the LGBTQ spectrum. Marsha P Johnson and Silvia Rivera are credited with starting the riots.  Marsha P Johnson was an African American drag queen. Silvia Rivera was a Latinx transgender woman. Both performed in drag and supported transgender and gay rights throughout their lives.

After the riots, the local community struggled to come together. (Something that we still are struggling with, some 50 years later.) But, they did. And, they launched a push to celebrate remembrance of the events at Stonewall, nationwide. (That we still celebrate.)

So, why am I disappointed in the LGBTQ community every year, when Pride comes around?

In a community full of brilliant minds and activists of every shape, size and color, we should be able to put aside our differences. But inevitably, what happens, is that we erase letters from our acronym, according to what our letters are.

A post to the Blackstones Facebook page a couple of weeks ago started a demonizing of Pride, and of the community as a whole. While this may have been helpful in getting across a point, which it did, in proving the point, it further divided a community that is already fragile enough.

Add to that, a straight group petitioning the city of Boston to be able to hold a Straight Pride parade in August. People are losing their minds over this. Is it ridiculous? Absolutely. Straight people don't need to fear for their lives just for being themselves. But, denying the rights for Straights to have their parade sets a precedent that could easily backfire for OUR community.

If you want to have your voice be heard, protest. Protest loudly. Protest often. Grab a rainbow colored pussy hat and go to the straight pride parade. Write OP Ed's that explain that the First Amendment, which allows us the freedom to gather for pride is a luxury that is afforded to everyone in this country...because, again, if it gets denied, there is a precedent being set that will allow our things.to.be denied.

We live in a time where it feels like the government is trying to erase the entire LGBTQ community. It is harder and harder every day for the most vulnerable of us to even be visible. And yet, we continue to degrade ourselves and spread further discontent amongst ourselves, all in the name of "helping the community."

Follow the example of those who have come before you. Fight for all of our rights, not just those that benefit the people who look and act like you. Stand up for the less visible in our community.  Extend an olive branch to those who you have ignored based on their differences.

Gay men have had our time in the spotlight, in this fight for our rights. Certainly,  we are nowhere near finished.with the fight. But, until we embrace the other letters in our acronym and start protecting the vulnerable, we can never win this fight.

Remember, Pride is a celebration of the beginning of our fight 50 years ago. But, just think, if we can come together, (like we did after Stonewall) some day we could be using Pride as a way to celebrate the end of our fight as well. Support all the letters in the alphabet soup of our community, because that is the only.way we can win this.

Happy Pride!🌈🌈🌈

An Angry Young Man

I've spent 12 of the last 15 years working in jobs where I literally listen to their problems and try to help them solve them. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost myself completely.

In an effort to not get too close with clients, I started to put feelings in boxes that I could lock away and never have to deal with again. Once I started it was nearly impossible to stop.

The result of course, is that now, I don't remember what emotions go with what feelings. And, the one emotion I do remember, is the one I would most like to forget.

Anger. I am an angry person. I'm angry because I don't know what else to be. I'm angry because I blame myself for everything. I'm angry because I'm so disillusioned by people that I just don't even want to deal with them anymore. I'm angry because I destroyed my first relationship and didn't even know I was doing it. I'm angry because I have continued to do so with every relationship since. I'm angry because I can't speak my mind without someone trying to cover it up with a band aid. I don't need anyone else to fix my issues. I am the only one who can do that. I'm angry because I've stopped trying to speak my mind and tell people how I feel. I am angry that I feel the need to apologize for everything, whether it involves me or not.

I'm angry that the one person I should have been taking care of is the one person I didn't. Me.

I'm tired of apologizing for things that are not my fault. I'm tired of being caught in the middle of things that adults should work out themselves, respectfully. I'm tired of the toll that physically my anger is taking on my body. I have days when I am so stressed out that my body liquified everything when I cannot stay out of the restroom. I have days when I am so angry that I just want to hit something. I have days where there is so much anger in me that I feel like I have given a wet willy to an electrical outlet, because I can feel the electric currents running through my body.

But, I'm not supposed to get upset if someone comes for me. I'm not allowed to have an attitude when I'm given an attitude. I'm overreacting if it appears that we have an issue and I ask why. I'm overreacting if I show any kind of emotion.

If you preach love, but spew hate, you have no right to wonder why I'm confused and don't understand where I stand with you.

I just can't anymore.

We live in a country that preaches "Make America Great Again," but is literally pitting person against person. America could be great again, if we just stopped talking for the sake of talking. It could be great again if we listened to hear, instead of listening for our turn to talk.

Don't come at me with guns a blazing, and expect me to just roll over and take it. There is a word for that. It's called abuse.

I'm tired of being walked over like a doormat. I'm tired of being expected to be respectful when I'm treated with blatant disrespect to my face and behind my back. If you want me to treat you with respect, then you at least owe me the same decency.

I've spent my whole life just taking it. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I just accepted the name calling. The disrespect. The whispers and laughing. Even so far as to allow other people to tell me how to feel.

I've spent most of my adult life trying to please other people, at the expense of not knowing how to please myself. So it's time I take back control. I get to say what's respectful and what's not. I get to say if I'm happy or sad or angry. Its time I try to find what makes me happy. It's time that I start opening my baggage and see just what it is that I have to unpack. Once its unpacked, then it's time to start letting it go.

It's time that I do a soft reset on my life, and see if I can find a shiny version of myself. Or keep resetting until I do. You live your life, I'll live mine. Just stop trying to tell me how to live mine, because, it's not cute.

No Excuses...

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I have been mostly silent, over the last (shall we say) year.  I spent more time in that period of time, trying to figure out excuses to give as to why I'm not writing anymore.  But, nobody wants excuses.

It stopped being fun.  The world of drag as I had known it, became a place I didn't like. And, I had started the descent into a period of depression.  Everything that I enjoyed, had begun to turn.  Pandora Boxx called me out in person for a bad review I had written after seeing her perform.  I had hurt people's feelings.  And, I just got overwhelmed.

It became easier and easier to just keep the memories of the shows that I attended as just that...memories and photographs.  And, then the photos stopped being fun.  Everything had begun to feel like work...that I was doing as a volunteer, and not getting paid for.  Nor, was I getting any recognition when people would use my photos.  So, I stopped posting photos.

And, then I stopped going to shows.  It was always easy to do it when work was part of the equation...because it was a built in excuse. A few times I was sick, for real...but, also another built in excuse.

My life has become an exercise in isolating myself from everyone and everything.  Why say something, when someone is going to be offended by it, potentially?  I quit everything that I enjoyed, and just started falling into my cell phone and tv shows.  I'd stopped drawing for myself.  I had begun doing cartoon portraits for drag queens.  Their follow up ideas, I couldn't get my work to fit their expectations.  I got a "Who's that supposed to be?" once, and really haven't taken on any new drawings since.  It became an extremely stressful job, for the amount of money that I would get from a new project.  So, I just stopped.

See a pattern forming?  I certainly do now.  I didn't see it, at the time, when it was happening.

For a while, the only thing that kept me from losing any kind of presence online was my Bowtie Fridays on Instagram.  And, then, even that began to be a stress. I would wait until the night before, and sew the tie for the next morning before I went to bed.  I would force myself to make the tie and take the picture, because I knew that it was fun for other people.  In over a year, I have only missed one week's photo...That was about two weeks ago.

Last week, one night, I sat up and wrote myself a list, using I statements of both good and bad things.  And, during the creation of this page, I felt the switch flip in my mind, so the depression is retreating...for now.

I started drawing for myself again.  I had two photo shoots and a behind the scenes of a photo shoot shoot with Shaunna Rai.  The photos I took came out amazing, if I do say so myself (because people on Facebook say they're good.)  And, Shaunna Rai reminded me that I should start writing again.

The goal, from here on out, is to do what is fun.  And, if we're lucky, we keep the depression beast away.