When Shaunna's Away...

When I was a kid, I spent so much time alone. Not necessarily physically alone, as in there were other people around, but more, I just liked doing stuff myself. As I entered the dating world, I stopped spending time alone. During my alone time, I used to draw, write stories and sing out loud to my music. At some point in time I convinced myself that those things were too childish, and I needed to grow up. I would occasionally seek out the childish part of me,  usually with a couple of drinks in me. But,  for the most part, even up until now, I've been "too grown up," to the point of blatantly ignoring the feeling to be creative.

Shaunna Rai has been in Texas with our friend, Z, for over a week. Dan has been in Texas since Saturday. So, I have been alone since Saturday afternoon. Like,  totally, physically alone. It's a little strange. The quiet in the house is deafening.

It has given me a lot of time to think. (And I still have another week alone, to go.) Some thoughts good, some bad. But, they're all valid and need to be acknowledged.

1.) I like being alone.
2.) I over-analyze everything before I let it come out of my mouth about 99 % of the time.
3.) I like the person that doesn't analyze stuff during the other 1%...I just don't know how to be that person.
4.) I feel the urge to couple up around Thanksgiving, historically, in my dating history. This year, I'm going to try to couple up with Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon.
5.) I have a difficult time completing tasks, because I usually have 10 other things going on in my head at the same time.
6.) Boredom makes me clean things. But,  cleaning things bores me. The house will probably be pretty clean when Dan gets back.
7.) I hate being told what to do. But, I like telling people what to do... Although almost always in the form of a question to allow them to say no, because that's what I do...
8.) I have an intense distrust of people's intentions. And of my own. Which is probably why I'm still single, a year and a half later.
9.) The buzz of the fish tank filter is really annoying.
10.) I like eating out, more than I like cooking for myself. Of the last three days,  I only cooked for myself once...but I have another week to cook, while I'm still alone.
11.) Discovering the Wish App was a bad, bad thing for me. I want to buy everything, because it's cheap.
12.) The old me,  a long time ago, used to actually enjoy going out to go shopping, even if he never bought anything. It has always been a quick in and out though. Except for video game shopping.
13.) I don't like being alone. And, I do like it. I don't like it, because on the rare occasions that I'm really excited about something, and decide to talk about it,  there's nobody to talk to. And having someone else around makes me feel secure. I do like it, because, quite frankly,  for the first time in my life, I'm completely alone. I don't have to deal with anyone's attitude but my own. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and not have to worry about its effects on anyone else. And, so, while I feel like I have total freedom, I am doing nothing with it,  but the same old stuff I always do.

My biggest hangup has been thinking about dating. On the one hand, I like not having to really answer to anyone but myself. But, I miss being held and kissed.

I have a love/hate relationship with the dating (hook-up) apps. I like when people want to talk to me. But, I usually make a fool of myself, and therefore never initiate conversation, because I'm scared to be rejected.

Dan and Z have been busy, so I am trying to not take all kinds of time up with messages. This trip is about him and Shaunna, not me.

It's been nice having the alone time... Mainly, because it has given me the chance to find pieces of me that I needed to be alone, to find, that I didn't know were missing.

DragCon NYC: Day One: The Arrival

Dan is a planner. I am not.  Dan had been planning the trip to New York for months,  to make sure that everything went perfect. So, Thursday night, I went to bed early, to make sure that I would be up by 3am at the minimum, so we could leave by 4am.

When Dan woke me up at 4am, I instantly started to freak out,  because, well,  that meant that I had slept through my alarm, which was set for 2:45am...(just to make sure I didn't over sleep...)

By 4:30, we had picked up Larry and we were on our way. The GPS told us that the trip would take us 6 hours. She was mostly right.  However, she, like I am, is a last minute planner. While I was trying to read directions to Dan,  I wasn't getting the information when he wanted it. Some yelling ensued. And then, we finally arrived at our motel. The Hudson Motel is a small motel hidden just off the highway, that we had to make a u-turn to get to

.

Once we were all checked in,  we unloaded the car, and took quick showers, so that we would be on time to pick up our VIP bags at the Javits Center. While Dan showered,  I called to check on a price for a taxi from Bayonne, NJ to the Javits Center. When they quoted me $20, I was like, "Hell yes."

Obviously, this is where my small town boy status shows... I fell for it hook,  line and sinker. I booked the taxi, and we were on our way. The cabbie was friendly enough. He commented on my pokeball earrings,  and struck up a conversation about Pokémon in general. We got to the Lincoln Tunnel and he asked if I had the $15 for the toll. Thinking he was joking,  I asked. (He was serious.) Once we got into the city, and the Javits Center itself,  he dropped the bomb.  The cab ride cost $80, not $20. Feeling angry, I paid,  then got an earful about how I should act in the city like I know what's going on, instead of like a tourist. (I had had enough of being yelled and was ready to give the weekend up as a total loss.)

Stumpy, aka Tim, The Pigeon

We got to the Javits Center early, and had to wait as they set up the pick ups for VIP passes. We were hungry and grumpy, so we grabbed some food from a convenience store inside the center,  and then grabbed food from the food cart just outside. It wasn't great, but it was food.

A security guard told a guy sitting near us that he had to leave, as the seating was only for attendees of DragCon, and then pointed at us. The guy,  apparently was looking for a seat while he waited for the bus.

I met Stumpy the Pigeon, who I made sure to get pictures of each day. Someone else on Instagram also had the same instinct and called him Tim.

While we waited, I started my usual people watching, and saw Chad Sell go by, then later Raja and Manila Luzon. All the while, people were coming get and going from the main room.

They finally opened up the line for VIP Badges, and we were pretty close to the first ones to get them. Surprisingly, there was no line for them. Because there was very little information about anything going on on Friday afternoon, we left the Javits Center, and started a trek around the city.

The first goal was to get to the Empire State Building. It was easy enough to find... Just look up,  and you could basically follow it to where it was. The path to it brought us up 34th street, through what appeared to be a homeless camp. On the way, we came across a wig shop. So,  obviously Shaunna Rai and Leanna Love needed to check it out. (Although neither was in drag at all during the weekend.)

Further past the wig shop,  we're some street sales of dresses. Really cheap prices... Between $1.99 and $20. And then, came the fabric shops.

I have never seen anyone get excited about a fabric shop. Well,  I take that back.  My mom, when she was quilting all the time when I was a kid got excited about fabric shops.  But, this was a different kind of excited. Spandex World was like the fabric store for drag queens. Why?  Because spandex. Just about every fabric in the store was spandex... From cool lightning designs to the reversible sequin fabric, to sheers with amazing sequin designs. We literally could have spent the entire three days in there alone.

But,  we still had to find the Empire State Building,  and had a show later on in the evening. So,  without buying anything, we left and continued the search for the Empire State Building. At this point, I pulled out my phone,  and fired up Google Maps,  because they have walking directions, as well as bus and driving directions.

I had gotten us as far as Broadway pretty much without help. As we got to the corner,  I realized that this was where Macy's was. Not like the Macy's at the Maine Mall,  but THE Macy's. The one where the Thanksgiving parade happens. We went in,  looked around the makeup counters for a minute, then continued on the way, because there was too much to look at and Dan said,  "I could spend the rest of the day and my money right here."

We were back on the move and finally made it to the Empire State Building. When we were told that tickets were required for the Observatory Deck, plans changed.  Instead of going in and going up, we went in, took a couple pictures of the plaque inside, before continuing on our way.  

Times Square

At one point, during the afternoon, Dan had made mention of the fact that he wouldn't mind seeing Times Square, up close and personal.  So, our next destination was Times Square.  It was just like it is on tv.  Bright, and busy.  With it being the weekend of the anniversary of 9/11, there was an increased security presence, which included what looked like SWAT team members with automatic rifles.  (I chose not to take pictures of them, because, well, guns aren't really my thing.  They scare the hell out of me.)  

Unfortunately, at this point, my phone battery started to die.  And, we still weren't exactly sure where we were going for the show.  Lucky me, I packed two extra phone batteries, along with my 6 extra camera batteries.  Unfortunately, while I packed the camera batteries in my camera bag, I didn't pack my phone batteries there like I'd thought.  I left them in my duffle bag back at the hotel...where they did me no good.  Starbucks, I thought, would have a charging station, because a lot of the ones in Boston do.  (It was a good thought, because they do have the stations...just not the wireless charger things to charge with.)  So, then it was a mad dash to find a charger and a cord that would fit my Galaxy S5.  Walgreens didn't have it, but, luckily, we were practically across the street from Best Buy...who had one.  Literally, ONE in the whole store.  I guess it was my lucky day, and that my luck was changing, because there wasn't any more yelling after I got my phone charged back up as much as possible.

We watched a Break Dancing group

Dinner was at a diner, very close to The Town Hall, where the show was to be.  I had a burger on gluten free bread.  The fries were really good, and I wish that I'd ordered a double order of fries.  And, it was nice to sit down for a while, since by this time, we'd walked about 5 to 6 miles.  

In order to kill some time, before the show, we went back out wandering.  We came across a group of guys who, we were pretty sure were going to do some dancing, so we stopped and watched.  It was a group of break dancers, and they were awesome to watch.  The one picture to the right, doesn't do justice for the show that they put on.

Hermes on the top of Grand Central Station

From there, we went on a search to find the Chrysler Building.  Again, we fired up Google Maps, and it got us there, eventually, although, we stopped at Grand Central Station first, because it was kind of in our way.  So we went in, looked around, and then went back out and walked around it.  (I'm the one with anxiety around people, and here I was suggesting that we just walk through the building and out the other side, and everyone else said no...go figure.)  

One of the Chrysler Building Eagles

When we finally reached the Chrysler Building, it was a little anti-climactic for me.  Yeah, I got some neat pictures of it, but, there were only just so many pictures I could take before they all started to get boring.  So, once I got a few, and convinced myself that I was only dizzy because I was looking up, taking pictures, and watching clouds move, and that it wasn't some kind of vertigo, we headed back for Town Hall.  

During the walk, we talked a little bit about the city, and how cool it was being there with all the history, and architecture, and people.  And, it hit me.  I missed it.  When I was in art school in Philadelphia, I used to hop on the train to go to NYC, with my friend Lynne, just to hang out.  (Although, usually hanging out meant waiting in line to get tickets to The Scarlet Pimpernel.)  The feelings of missing living in a big city were present, as a reminder that this was something that I could do.  But, it would all depend on if it was something I wanted to do.  And, it came up for discussion, about if I would ever move back to a big city.  And, the answer was, that I don't know. I don't know, because it terrifies me, even though, it was so amazing...because I'm not sure that I've progressed much with my naivete since I was 18.  (See above with the taxi ride.)

When we got to The Town Hall, it was about 6:30.  We had walked just about 7 miles (if not more).  And we were tired.  And, the doors didn't open until 8.  Because we were there so early, people thought that we knew what was going on...that we would know which doors they would be opening, and which way the lines would flow.  (We didn't.)  I was already trying to compose the first night's blog post in my head...so, it was a quiet hour and a half.  The girls who were next to us, were getting drunk with whiskey in Ginger Ale bottles.  They were chatty, but, left me alone, which was fine by me.  We met up with Wendy and Chris while we were in line, and talked to them, until they opened the doors.

Jaymes Mansfield

Finally, the doors were opened.  I'm used to just being able to go into a location.  I figured with my camera bag, that they would need to look inside...what I hadn't planned on though, was having them wave the metal detector wand around.  I had keys in one pocket, change in another, and not enough hands to take everything out of my pockets without losing stuff.  And, apparently, my hands weren't big enough to get everything out of my pockets all at once.  Needless to say, I was mortified, by the time the lady finally waved me through, saying that I was cleared to go in. Pretty much, I wanted to find a seat, and melt into it, never to be seen again.

Wendy and Chris had VIP tickets, so we separated, and took our seats.  I'd forgotten that Bob the Drag Queen was hosting the show 9 From Nine.  So, when they started the Purse First music, I snapped out of my embarrassment, and jumped back into photographer mode.

Kimora Blac

First up, was one of my early favorites, who I was really sad to see go early in the show, was Jaymes Mansfield.  Knowing that she is a comedy queen, I expected something funny. She did her intro with a puppet, so I was expecting puppets or something.  I wasn't expecting her to come out on stage as a "little person."  I just about died laughing.

Next was Kimora Blac.  She was one of Dan's favorites.  I wasn't really a fan during the season.  She actually walked by us before the show, saying that she wasn't sure where she was supposed to go, even though she was in full drag.  I've changed my tune about her after her performance though.  She's good.  And, she ended with one of my favorite songs that Shaunna Rai performs, "Hush, Hush", by the Pussycat Dolls.  So, why wouldn't I love it?

Cynthia Lee Fontaine

Cynthia Lee Fontaine, from Seasons 8 and 9 had one of the most profound acts that I saw during the whole weekend.  I actually teared up.  I believe that she was singing live.  She was dressed as an angel, while in the background, activists from Stonewall to Harvey Milk, and a tribute to the tragedy at Pulse Orlando, flashed by. If any performance stood out to me, during the entire weekend, it was this one.

Aja

Aja was up next. Her look is very similar to Maine's own Cherry Lemonade, and her act could have been one of Cherry's.  It was not without it's technical issues.  But, this is what live theater is about...expecting the unexpected.  She performed a burlesque number, and it was all going well, until there was a wardrobe malfunction, and the nipple tassle fell off.  But, she kept going, and even tried putting it back on.  The act made me smile, and after having tears in my eyes for the previous number, this was a great thing.

Tammie Brown

Tammie Brown from Season one was up next.  I've only seen Season One once...because, it's rarely ever played, due to copyright issues.  So, I don't really remember much about Tammie, other than her "Walking Children in Nature."  She performed "Lipsync Suicide", about her time on the show, and how she was trying to up her game with her lip syncing for her life.

Acid Betty

Nina Bonina Brown was supposed to be the next one in the show, but, she wasn't actually at the show.  (I was kinda bummed, because she was one of the few that I was interested in seeing what she was like on stage, because I just wasn't sure about her.)  Instead, I was treated to one of my favorite New York queens from another season.  Acid Betty.  She came out in her Madonna look, from the episode she was sent home on, and performed "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," as a drunk pregnant girl with an attitude.  Since I wasn't expecting her, this was a super added bonus for me.

Alexis Michelle

Alexis Michelle, who was another of my favorites to win, from the beginning of the season, was up next.  Performing "Man of La Mancha."  We had also seen her outside, before the show started, although, completely out of drag...well, wearing a mumu and combat boots.  She didn't disappoint me, because she was the "Broadway Queen" I expected and wanted her to be.

Farrah Moan as Christina Aguilera

Next up was Christina Aguilera.  Oh, wait, no I mean, Farrah Moan.  She was performing Christina, and looked like Christina, so it's only right that I got the two confused.  She was smaller than I expected her to be...even though, I expected her to be small.  But, she commanded the stage, so it all evened out in the end.  

The final two numbers of the night, came down to Shea Coulee and Sasha Velour, who had one of the best RuPaul's Best Friend Race relationships since Raven and Jujubee.

Shea Coulee

Shea performed her own original song. I hated her jacket that she wore at the start of the number, because...well, it looked like she'd killed a muppet.  But, having been around drag queens for as long as I have been, I should've known that the jacket would eventually come off... And, it did.  She was great, and I think I might be in love with one of her backup dancers...

Sasha Velour making over her team

And, the night finished out with the Season Nine winner, Sasha Velour.  While I was hoping for a replay of the finale, where she would pull off the wig, while performing Whitney's "So Emotional", I was treated to something else entirely.  I actually don't remember the song.  But, it was cool, because she was "making over" her whole backup dancer team, giving them a wig that matched her own in color.  Granted, she would give them the wig, then, keep it to move on to the next person.  But, it was fun to watch.  As a photographer, the fact that there was a ring light on the stage, it made for great photos.

When the show was over, we went outside, and started to look for an Uber to take back to the Motel.  Surprisingly, in a city of, I don't know how many millions, we were in our Uber and on our way out of town in less than 10 minutes.  It was a very quiet ride home.  And, I was so engrossed in reviewing my pictures, that I didn't even remember going through the Lincoln Tunnel, which we would do at least four more times during the remainder of the weekend, much to my chagrin.

We got back to the motel, and I went to grab a couple of snacks and drinks.  While I was at the vending machine, some other guests came in, asking the manager for their money back, as they were going to be leaving, and had only been there for like an hour.  I tried not to listen, but, when you're in the midst of it, it's hard not to.  The manager wouldn't agree to it, as he could only charge for a minimum of 3 hours, and would need to get housekeeping in to redo the room.  Needless to say, the other guests were not happy.  And, I can only guess the reason that they would need a room for less than 3 hours...

When I got back to the room, I started to transfer pictures to my phone, until I ran out of energy...both with my camera battery, and with myself.  At that point, it was time for bed.  And, I was totally ready for it.  Unlike my normal life, I let sleep take me, instead of trying to fight it.

You Have a Voice People Want to Hear

I haven't really done much drag related since June.  I've been in a bit of a creative funk, and every time I start something, I end up giving up on it.  And, for a while I'd done the same with both posts, and posting photos on the Facebook page.  I got a commission request for a drag cartoon drawing, just before my birthday, and ended up almost giving the money back.  The one thing that I have going for me, is that I pushed through the funk a bit, and got out a commissioned drawing that the client loved.  And, it brought me to another drag show, and the realization that I had photos I hadn't posted from before Pride.

So, I started going through them, and posting them.  And, while the Pride photos were nothing really special, because it's a totally different form of event photography from that of a drag show, I spotted something in the drag photos that I hadn't really paid much attention to.  I get a different kind of drag show than any other person in the audience.  Not only do I watch almost the entire show through the playback screen on my camera, but I get somewhat of a private show.  During any of the local shows, the performers all expect me to be there with my camera.  And, because of that, they search me out, and pose for the camera and/or sing directly at the camera, and therefore, directly to me.  If that's not a private show, I don't know what is.

I was also reminded, of the fact that the Kings and Queens who I have photographed, who know of the blog, enjoy reading about my perspective of the shows, and what have you, because when they're in the moment, they don't really remember much about it, aside from issues like the lights being too bright, and the music not being loud enough, or wardrobe, hair or shoe issues.  In other words, I was encouraged to not let my being in my head destroy my ability to create.  Because whether it's a drawing, or a photograph, or a blog, for whatever reason, I have a voice that people want to hear.  That was some powerful stuff right there.

 And, with DragCon NYC coming up in a little more than a week, I need to be inspired, because the plan is for me to take a shit ton of pictures.  Not only am I going to the Con, but I have tickets for the two official NYC shows with RuPaul queens, and who knows what else there will be in NYC for me to take pictures of.  I'm going to have a backlog of pictures to get me through until Christmas.

The last time I was in NYC was in the early 2000's.  I think I had just got my first cell phone?  I've always been late to embrace technology, but once I embrace it, it's with full gusto.  I think I had my giant clunky old digital camera (it was so old that it took floppy disks to record the photos on.)  And, now, I'm going to be going back to the city, for the first time in (Over a Decade? REALLY?)a long time, with a digital camera, that I just bought 4 new batteries for, to go with the three batteries that I already have. (Hopefully that will be enough energy to get through a full day of DragCon and then a show at night!?)

TL;DR : Social Media: The Downfall of America

 TL;DR has become a new term in my online vocabulary (for those of you not in the know, it means "Too Long; Didn't Read."  People will literally preface their arguments with TL;DR....so if you see it, know that what it really means, is, "I read it until it said something that I agreed with, and then I stopped reading, because I didn't really care enough about it to finish it. I just wanted something to argue about."  

When I was growing up, in the 80's and 90's, I did kid things. We went outside to play, we stayed out until mom called us in, usually well after dark. On rainy days, we got to play games on the Tandy computer. As I got older, I started writing stories. They were usually foolish, with no point (kinda like most blog posts that I post...)

As I neared the end of high school, and AOL became the new thing, for once, I could talk to people I didn't know, and it was cool. As time has gone by, I've come to realize that I have met a number of the people I used to talk to, in real life, and currently follow some of them on Facebook.

Once I left for Art school in Philadelphia, I wanted a way to keep my parents updated on what I was doing. I didn't want to call them all the time, because it was a long distance call, and could only be done after 7 on certain nights. So, I did what any resourceful teenager would do. I taught myself basic html coding, and started a blog.

I would have killed for Facebook, back then. Not the Facebook that we have now, but the Facebook that we had about 7 years ago when I first started. People would talk like civilized human beings about normal every day stuff...kinda like my original blog. Plus, you could play games, and people would help you out. The Facebook community was just that. A community.

As time has gone by, Facebook has changed. Algorithms have changed. What you are able to see, from whom, has changed. "Nobody plays games anymore," so nobody helps. And, instead, they dump. They dump on the games. They dump on each other. And they dump on people and situations they know nothing about. Trolls, they call them. Not the cute ones with rainbow colored hair, from the 90's. These trolls sit at home behind a computer screen, and actively make other people miserable. Why? Because they can. And they get enjoyment out of it. These people think nothing of telling someone to kill themselves.  They issue death threats for agreeing or disagreeing with someone else's opinion.  

While my social media presence has always been more fun and informational, many others use it as a platform.  In light of the recent protest in Charlottesville, VA, resulting in the death of an innocent woman, and injuries of 19 other people, my social media has shifted to a feed that is 95% political.  I understand the reasoning for it.  People are angry.  Social media is a great way to be able to get to a large audience to make your views understood.  If that's your brand, then by all means go ahead and brand yourself that way.  That is not my brand.  Generally speaking, I think probably less than 1% of posts in the entirety of my social media presence, going all the way back to my now defunct website from the 90's, have been politically subjected.  However, that does not make me ignorant of what is going on in the world, nor does it make me less of a person.  It just means, that I'm a non-confrontational person, who would rather try to make someone happy, than to induce a fight of any sort. 

I try to keep things light.  I post my drag photos.  I post the commissions for drag cartoon portraits that I do.  I do my #bowtiefriday posts every week, with a different, new bowtie.  I post foolish things to make people laugh.  I post things that people wouldn't expect from me, because it keeps things interesting.  

The random times that I do post politically charged things, it's because something has sparked within me, that makes me feel like I need to say something.  And, it's usually, more of an observation, because I'm an observer.  I watch, I listen, and I record it...whether on paper, or in my mind.  When the election was over last November, and Donald Trump became president, I made a late night rant, in which I discussed the possibility of the United States entering into a civil war.  The comment was based on perceived parallels between the current political atmosphere and the politics leading up to the civil war.  The article I posted a couple days ago, surprisingly, echoed my sentiment from almost a year ago.  I felt validated in my statement, by seeing it in someone else's words as well.  So, I posted it.  

The response I got to the article, though, kind of threw me a little.  Although, it shouldn't have, because, the truth of the matter, it's what this whole blog post is about.  Social media has become an outlet for working out anger.  Fights start from innocent comments.  We live in a world now, where communication is fully impersonal.  A text, a Facebook message, or any other kind of written communication is now suspect.  You can't tell the implied meaning behind how something was written.  Were you being serious?  Were you being sarcastic?  Are you mad at me?  Oh, you're joking? Depending on what kind of a day you're having, and what tone you choose to read the message in, it changes the meaning the message.  

It became a discussion, after a photo of SILENCE=DEATH was posted in response to my saying that I avoid discussing politics on social media.  Points were brought up from all parties who were involved in the conversation that were totally valid.  At times, it felt like those who opposed my silence were saying that because I don't post something political every day or every other post, that I was wrong.  Bear in mind, that these are all people who I know in real life, and respect.  And, that when looked at with a fresh set of impartial eyes, each point that was being discussed, all parties were in agreement with.  What became apparent, and has been apparent for a long time on social media in general, is that nobody really reads for comprehension anymore.  It's for argument's sake. 

So, we're all TL;DR'ing over here in the corner, stewing in our own anger, with no outlets other than social media. The anger, and fear of not knowing what is going to happen in the world in the next 24 hours is driving a wedge between us.  We can be in total agreement, and still argue about who's got the biggest dick or the loudest voice.  And, in the end, that's what will tear us apart.  Until we stop trying to yell the loudest, we can look forward to destroying each other.  Civil war will be inevitable.  The problem, is that this Civil war will look much different than the first one fought on US soil.  The lines won't be so finely divided into North and South.  It's going to be friend against friend, and family member against family member.  Why? Because they don't believe in the same thing you do.  

The worst part is that it could be stopped before it happens.  Speak Less, Listen More.  Don't start talking until you've had time to hear the words the other person is saying.  Educate yourself.  Research, research, research. And, remember that not everyone fights the same way.  Yelling doesn't work for everyone.  And, stop arguing with people who agree with you.  It's stupid.  

Social media burst onto the scene as a way for people to connect more.  And, it has fulfilled that goal.  Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and others are household names.  But, they're morphing us into something that scares me.  We're a species who have foolishly caused extinctions of other species.  And, now, we're in the midst of a world in turmoil, caused and played out by our species. And, we're gladly turning against people on our own side, in order to tell them that they're wrong, when they agree with us.  We accuse people of being hateful and bullying...and then turn around and do the same.  And we do it all publicly, so that we can find out which of our friends agree with us, and publicly criticize those who don't, before we report them and block them from our pages. 

So, who is really to blame here, for the political climate that we live in now?  Is it the media (newspapers, websites and television)?  Or is it Social Media?  Or, are we as humans so quick to "forget" history, that we will allow ourselves to nuke each other to death, while we tell each other "You're wrong!" because we have to be right?

United We Stand, Divided We Fall

June is Pride month. A year ago, we were banding together to support those lost in the attack on Orlando's Pulse. We were celebrating the announcement that it was legal in all 50 states to marry if you were a same sex couple.

This year, there were no proclamations by the new president about Pride month. There was no acknowledgement of Pride at all. I understand that since the election, there are a lot of people who are still shell shocked by the result. And, that the fear people are feeling has resulted in a distrust of anyone who disagrees with you.

This year's pride should be about coming together. And, unfortunately, what I'm seeing is people on both sides giving in to their fears and taking it out on others. This isn't who we are. And, it accomplishes nothing, except for scattering an already broken group into smaller and angrier pieces. 

Being angry has always been a part of what Pride stands for. The anger has led us to where we are now in terms of LGBTQ Rights. But, we need to focus that anger in the right direction.

Taking your anger out on others for an opposing view is small minded, and what we should actually be fighting against. Because, with all the things that are tearing us apart from the outside, do we really need to be doing it to ourselves as well?  

There are ways to fight the government, but attacking each other, is not the way.  

When I was at this year's pride, I became super emotional, and almost broke down in tears.  This has never happened to me before at any of the pride events I've been to.  I still couldn't tell you what it was that set me off.  Maybe it was the sangria that I had before the parade?  Maybe it was the fact that it dawned on me that I've been single for a year.  Maybe it was the number of people who were there, both in the parade, and viewing it.  Or, maybe it was the realization that by documenting Pride in pitcures of the parade, I was doing something that would have a teensy weensy little legacy in the grand scheme of things.  Whatever it was, it inspired me.  

I don't want to be Cleve Jones, and be an activist for the rest of my life.  But, I also don't want to stand by and watch as we self destruct, and others take away the very things that we'd been fighting for since the beginning.  I need to find the way to be more of an activist.  Find out what needs to be done, and how I can help.  

And, instead of polarizing all of our friends to either be with us or against us, we should all be doing the same.  Come together.  Use your weirdness, creativity, or whatever it is that you have inside you to keep the fight going.  But, use your common sense, and fight for the side of all, and not just the side that you think is "right".  Because, truthfully, when we stop fighting together, for what's important for all of us, we might as well give up fighting for anything.  There's safety in numbers. Nobody said that those numbers had to agree on everything...

So, while you may be scared daily about what's coming down the line, or you may just say, what happens happens, just be the best you that you can be.  Be out. Be proud of who you are.  And know, that just these small acts make a difference in some way, whether you know it or not.  

Happy Pride month!

What Do You Say?

Many years ago, before I got into drag, and before I ever met Dan or Shaunna Rai, I did something that I loved, as an artist and a writer.  I created a comic.  It was loosely based on the lives of people around me, and my personal life.  I say loosely, because in typical soap opera fashion, some crazy things that would never happen did, and some things that I didn't want to have happened, didn't.

Anyway, one of the goals that I had hoped to accomplish, was to show a little diversity in the story.  My character, and his partner at the time, were gay.  Most of the characters based on friends and family were straight, like really happens in the world.  And, one character, I had decided needed to be trans.

The only problem, was that I didn't know any trans people.  So, I didn't really know how to tell a story from their point of view.  To this day, it's the one thing that has bugged me the most.  It's been over a year, since the last time I posted on the Facebook page I created for it.  And, I still want to tell the story of Monica, and her transition to becoming Alexander...Alex for short.  But, I'm still faced with the same issue.  I want to make this the most real story that I've told, but, I need to ask questions about the process, and I really don't know what I can ask and what I can't.  I mean, the general consensus is that you never ask about the genital area...because, unless the person talking wants to talk about it, it's just rude to ask someone about their genitals.

But, how do you ask the questions?  Which ones are okay to ask, and which ones aren't?  And, which ones are just common sense, (in that there are some similarities to coming out as gay, in that most of the trans people who I do know have had a coming out of sorts to announce that they're trans)? Is it okay to ask about the second coming out?  Is it okay to ask about surgeries in general, and the processes needed to get approval?  What's the process like for taking the hormones? Do hormones change behavior patterns?  What do they do to your features? (I mean, I know that they can harden or soften your features, based on photo evidence...) At what point do you discuss your trans-ness with people?  Does it differ from person to person?  How realistic is it for a feminine woman to transition into a somewhat effeminate man?  If and when you began the surgical transition, did you disappear from your home area, and come back after the transition? Have you ever gone back? Would you have surgery without telling anyone?

This is just a short list of my questions, because I'm sure at this point, with half of the questions, I've started to sound like a dick.  I figure I'll stop while I'm ahead. However, if anyone would like to answer, I would greatly appreciate the help.  I want to do justice to a story that I feel needs to be told.  And, I want to do it with a sensitivity that makes Alex's transition not only a good story, but also a learning experience for those who, like me, are ignorant to what is appropriate to ask. I want to bring Alex back to the canvas, since he's technically been gone away on "a tour of the country" for something like 6 years now.  It doesn't need to be an after school special, because the rest of the stories I told have some kind of comedy to them...

It's the end of pride month, and I've been feeling the itch to draw again.  And, to tell stories.  And, to get my story to a point where there's closure for all stories.  And, I need to get some storyline ideas.  Part of the enjoyment I got out of the comic, in the first place, was that I would often ask for ideas for what else I could do.  Occasionally, stories would come out of the air, like the initial story when Jamie tells everyone she has "Gay Pride", and has no idea what that means. But, some, like the Larry, the Paper Bag Killer, Halloween story, were created with help.  The interactive aspect of it, made it exciting for me.  And, quite possibly, that may be the piece that I've been missing. I lost interest because I wasn't having fun.  But, I miss the characters, I miss the work, and I miss the stories. So, a social media presence could be beneficial for me.  If you're interested, the comic is HERE.

The Eyes are the Windows...

Shaunna Rai

April, May and June are busy months for a drag queen.  Well, I should say for a specific drag queen.  Shaunna Rai.  Every year, since I've known her, those three months have been jam packed with drag shows.  This is more a statement of fact, than a complaint.

To be honest, without those shows, I wouldn't really have much to do.  In the past, I've spent barely any time editing photos...and instead, merely waded through the initial 20 pictures, which turned to 200 pictures, and is now in the ballpark of 2-4k pictures.  Take a couple seconds, and look through each picture, for something that may disqualify it. Then, post it on Facebook.  As I started taking more photos, I began to actually edit some photos.  Looking through old albums, I could see what I was going for, but I can also see now, that I had no idea what I was doing.

During the start of the busy season, I got the joy of meeting and photographing Shangela, with one of my photography idols, Lauren.  Lauren took photos of Shaunna Rai a few years ago, and last year took photos of Amber, as you may recall. Lauren asked me if I had used Adobe Lightroom in any of my editing.  I remembered seeing her using it, the first time I met her.  And, I hadn't used it, based on the fact that I figured it was going to be too expensive, and it wouldn't be something I'd use often enough to justify it.  Little did I know, that conversation would change not only the look of my photos, but it would also change the way that I look at my own photos.

Shangela

Editing the photos from the Shangela show, I started caring more about the story that my photos were telling, if viewed in order. (Which, by the way, is nearly impossible to do on Facebook photo albums, if you decide to add all photos at the same time.  I spent more time putting them in the right order than I did, actually editing them.)

Having discovered the Exposure button on the camera itself could change how a photo looked, I started playing with that, in addition to starting to understand that for most of my drag photo needs, I would need the largest ISO setting that was available on the camera.  (For anyone who knows nothing about photgraphy, I apologize for using unknown terms, which I couldn't explain out loud, even though I understand the concept of how they're used.)

Lightroom, added options.  I tend to get overexposed photos, which are washed out.  By playing with the exposure, I realized I could get rid of some of the white, and actually save some otherwise useless pictures.  It's not an exact art, but I'm starting to get a feel for what I'm doing.  I've never really been a huge fan of black and white photography, in general, but, I have a newfound appreciation for it, because of presets for the program.  (Presets are groups of settings, that were already saved, so, you literally just click a button, and it changes your photo in specific ways.)  Creative cropping, which, up until now, hasn't really been a huge part of how I do my photos.  But, I've played around with it for a few

Miss E'on

selfies, to enjoyable results.

Finally, it all came together, after Dragapalooza, when I started editing photos.  The lighting was good, for the most part, the performers moved slowly enough that I was able to get a few good shots of them.  And, the editing has me wondering if I should go through every photo that I've ever taken, and edit it this way, so that it will be more enjoyable to me.  I think that's the perfectionist in me, who finds fault in everything that he's ever done...

Anyway, I can't say enough good about the Lightroom program.  It's definitely worth $10 per month. And, definitely a program that I will continue to use, both for what I consider to be my "more professional, but NOT Professional" photos, and my lame selfies on #bowtiefriday.

Armchair Activist

I started writing this months ago, and couldn't finish it, because it didn't know how. It's all as true today as it was when it started it though. Only, now I know that the story doesn't end...

I come off as aloof and naive, if you follow me in any way on social media.  I don't talk about politics... I don't often talk about anything real.  Nobody really knows me.  Not the me inside.  The me who is always in his head; thinking, listening, learning, and wanting to make a difference--somehow...

The super politically charged atmosphere of the United States (specifically) and the world (in general) has begun to cause me a lot of anxiety and anger.  Anxiety, I feel all the time.  Anger, in general, is a new feeling for me.  I don't understand it.  And, it frustrates me.  I want to find a way to make myself heard.  I need a way to say my piece, without fear of humiliation, or retaliation.  And, I want to make a difference.

Dragged to the Inside, for the last 3 years or so, has been that outlet for me.  I talk about Drag.  I hit on other topics.  And, from time to time, I do post something (only to the blog) that I don't post on Facebook, because...well, I second guess the things I put on Facebook.  I have created a brand of sorts, I suppose, and so when stuff doesn't quite fit that model, I don't cross post it.  Because...fear.  Fear of how it will be received.  Fear of being ridiculed for what I say, or worse, being hated for it.  My need to be accepted by people, often times keeps me from talking, when I should.  Because, God forbid I say something wrong, that makes someone mad.

And, yet, it's okay for the rest of the world to tear each other to pieces.

Last night, began the miniseries "When We Rise," on ABC. Watching it, opened something inside me.  Because, I realized, that, really, I have done nothing to further the Gay Rights Movement.  Not really.  Not when there are so many people who I have attended events with, who have been a part of the "Maine Chapter," who have actually done things.  Or at least have been part of the community, and not hidden away in their own little castle, separate from the rest of the world.

Shaunna Rai:  Shaunna is always going to be my go-to when it comes to the blog.  One, because we're roommates.  And, for almost 5 years, we dated.  So, Shaunna and Dan have been big influencers on me.  Both in terms of my artwork, and my desire to be a part of something bigger than myself.  Shaunna has been performing for more than two decades as the queen of the reveal.  And, she puts herself out there for the Frannie Peabody Center, and HIV/AIDS related causes.

Chris O:  Chris O is the kind of person I wish I could be.  Outgoing, and super active in the community.  He works for Equality Maine.  He helped revitalize the Pride festival in Portland.  He was a DJ at Styxx, for years. He helped bring a portion of the AIDS Quilt to Portland, and actually spoke with Cleve Jones (one of the people who the series is based on), in order to do so.  I'm sure there is so much more that I don't even know about.

Michael and Steven:  When we lived in Portland, they didn't live far from us.  They were the first Legally Married gay couple in the state of Maine.  They worked with the Pride committee.  Somewhere along the way, Eartha Quakes works into their story.

Marlena and Ashley:  Over the years, I have heard more stories about Ashley and Marlena than I will ever be able to remember.  Shaunna Rai performed with them for quite a while.  Ashley passed away before I came into the picture, so I will never know her.  But, Marlena, I've been friends with on Facebook for a while.  She has been part of so much of the fight for rights.  I look forward to seeing her posts every day.  She inspires me to be the best person I can be, because whatever fighting that I have done, is nothing compared to what she has fought for.

Mat:  Mat worked for Frannie Peabody Center, for the entire time that I've known him, until the last few months.  He attends every event.  He supports everything in the community.  And, along with Chris O, his name is synonymous with just about anything gay in Portland.  He's another person I wish I were more like.

I could go through my whole list of friends and acquaintances, and probably could explain to you why each of them has done more for the community than I have.

This year, Pride made me incredibly emotional, and I can't really figure out what it was that was different. I was still there with camera in hand, taking thousands of pictures. I was still just there to experience it. And I almost broke down crying for absolutely no reason that I could identify. 

Because I'm an awkward person, events with people, I would rather avoid. But, having a camera gives me an out of having to make small talk. And, it gets me into events sometimes. The very events that I would otherwise avoid out of sheer panic. But, when I'm working, I'm not thinking.

So, even when I'm not tasked with working, like the parade today,  it keeps me grounded. But, sometime in the middle of the parade, it hit me. I've always said that I wanted to be a part of something bigger than me. And, in my own way, I am. Cherry Lemonade once told me that what I do is important. I write about the experiences, and I have photographic proof that I was there. (This is where the bit about "When We Rise" ties it all together.) 

I've been lucky to never have to really fight for my own rights, really. I've always voted for LGBTQ Rights. But, otherwise, I've never really been part of a movement. Only, I have. On multiple occasions, I've worked with Equality Maine, as a volunteer for their fundraisers. And, I've volunteered as a photographer for Pride events. These are important events, whether they appear to be or not. Without them, we would be in a different place in the gay community than where we currently are. 

Depending on how technology changes in the future, will determine the lastingness of digital photography...but, potentially those photos could last long beyond my life. And, while my focus is generally on drag, I try to get a little bit of everything. And, this will be my legacy. I may not be a huge fund raiser. I may not be head of anything. But, I am as important to the cause, because I can prove that it happened. 

That is my activism. Well, that, and being able to talk openly about the fact that I'm Gay. I'm open about. I don't hide that I go to functions that are fund raisers for LGBTQ causes. 

And in a world that has Donald Trump as president of the United States, it would be easy to jump back in a closet and wish that it would go away. What takes guts is putting yourself out there, and being you. Whether you are a brick thrower at Stonewall, a drag queen, a dj, or a photographer who wears a different bowtie every Friday, keep being you. Live life out loud and proud. You are as important to the cause as anyone else. 

Happy Pride, everyone.

These Queens have dressed like this every Pride for at least the last 25 years, if not more.

#knowyourhistory #knowyourherstory

2017 Pride Parade 

Lady Ginger at Equality Maine's Spirit of Pride Cruise 

Shaunna Rai 

2016, A Year of Tears

The year 2016, is a year that many people would like to erase from memory. From the numerous celebrity deaths, to the Trump win at the election, it's clear that the year sucked.

On a personal level, it wasn't a great year for me. There were some good parts to it... I got to help design a line of t-shirts for Shaunna Rai, which is available at DragQueenMerch.com. I also created a couple of limited edition t-shirt runs on my own. (Which, only my mom bought...)

But, it was a super weird year. In March, I had full time hours cut back severely to 5 hours a week on a good week, and ended up on unemployment. I spent the next few months on a quest to find a new job. I chose to go to the first place that offered me relatively good money, with a Monday through Friday schedule. I lasted a full 6 months there. The full time that I was told would happen "eventually" never materialized. So, I picked up a second job as a cashier at a local salvage store. They worked around my first job, and treated me like they really wanted me there. Then, they offered me what the other job couldn't produce...Full time hours with benefits. So, over the course of a year, I've had three jobs...And the one I least expected to like, is the one I am happiest at.

Dan and I split up in June, just before Pride. Which made it awkward at pride, as we still only had one vehicle, and I brought him down so that Shaunna Rai could be a judge for the parade, and we made the announcement on Facebook prior to Pride...So everyone was asking if we were OK. The truth is, we weren't able to be for each other what we each needed.  We work better a friends. And, though it makes me sad that after almost 5 years we ended it, I'm glad that I got to at least keep a friendship.

Over the second half of the year, I had a mostly hate relationship with anything drag related. Not because of the breakup, mind you, but because of what was being expected of me, and a lack of respect as a person that I was getting.

I don't feel like I demand respect, ever. But, if I offer to do something for you, the least that you can do is thank me. This was a theme for a big part of the year.

"Steve, can you make me a poster?" OK. "Well, can you change this and that and that and this and give me the poster that I really wanted, yesterday?" Um, sure. I'll do that.

"Steve, we know you like taking pictures at shows...If you take them at this show, you'll get in for free..." OK, I'm good with bartering, but, you do realize that I do have a job, and that I take thousands of pictures at a show. And, I go through them to filter out bad photos and edit the ones that might be able to make it. "Yeah, but can you have the pictures you take up, before the performers go home for the night? They want to know how they looked." Um...Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Cherry Lemonade moved to New York.

It became a little too much for me to deal with, so I took a break from all things drag for a little bit.

At Halloween, Hurricane Bianca had come out, and I decided that I wanted to try doing something fun for Halloween. So, I became Bianca Del Rio...Sort of... The goal was that I was going to do my own makeup and then we would go to the Great Pumpkin Ball, a benefit for Equality Maine. I couldn't figure out what to do with the makeup, and Dan did it for me, which made him angry, as he was trying to do his own makeup, as he was performing. We arrived, I dropped Shaunna Rai and Miss E,on off at the door, then drove all around town to find a place to park...then walked about 4 blocks or so, in heels back to the venue. The highlight of the night was the girl who came up to me, and said, "I don't want to offend you, but, you look just like Bianca Del Rio. And I couldn't stop staring at you, trying to figure out why Bianca would be here, in Maine."

After another couple of shows, I again remember why I took the break in the first place. Because it all becomes a drama fest...

And, the year was capped off with the closing of my first gay bar experience in Maine, Portland's own Styxx. Not just like a "closed for a week for vacation," but a "closed for good. Kiss 30-something years of gay history goodbye." Mimi Imfurst came back for one last Christmas show. And, Brita Filter came from New York for one last show...And so did Cherry Lemonade. New Year's Eve was the last night, and I was glad that it was a busy night. It reminded me of the Styxx that I first experienced, years ago. Packed, with shot boys running around in tight undies. And everyone having a good time.

Here's to hoping that 2017 is going to be a better year. Less drama. Less sadness. More adventures and more real friendships that don't take backseats to relationships. (OK, I know, I'm grasping at straws with the last one...But, you never know.)