The Rainbow Connection

Last Friday, it finally became legal in the United States for every person to marry a same sex partner, if they so choose.  This is huge.

And, while I wish that I were as thrilled about it as so many of my friends are, well, it's just a thing to me.  It doesn't really have an effect on my life...like how Obamacare doesn't really effect me, since I have private health insurance through work.

"But, wait," you're probably thinking, "you're gay.  Now you can get married! Aren't you happy about that!?"

Yes.  I'm happy that if I choose to marry, that it will be recognized as an actual marriage in all 50 of the United States, and a handful of other countries around the world.  But, maybe, I'm a bad gay.  Maybe, I'm an emotionless lump, who doesn't see the need to make something legal with the government, if there's even the slightest possibility of it going down the toilet in the end anyway.  Without all the legal mumbo jumbo that goes with weddings and the like, it's easier to just walk away.  There's no long drawn out court battles.  No divvying up the belongings...(although that part for me would be pretty easy.  I have a bed, a few dishes, and a bunch of cd's, dvd's and clothes that are mine.)

A friend of mine when I tried to tell him these thoughts on what it all meant, told me that I was too cynical about relationships.  I think my response was "maybe you're right."  But, what I actually meant was, "Who are you to judge how I feel about this?  Were you there when I put 11 years into someone who told me daily that they loved me, who then threw me out like a piece of trash to move on with a guy he was having an affair with while we were still together?  Were you there when I started dating again, and found that my naive belief that everyone is inherently good was proven to be...well, wrong?  It's not up to you to decide for me if I want to get married...especially, since I did the whole commitment ceremony thing, and ended up losing everything in the end. (Especially my PS2, with Dance Dance Revolution, which I miss dearly.)

If the opportunity presents itself, at some point, my mind probably could be changed.  But, for the moment, I'm happy with my life the way it is.  A piece of paper, and a couple of tax breaks are not really important to me.  I'd rather stay in a relationship working through my day to day crap, and know that if I'm making someone miserable, that nobody is going to be stuck in the system, miserable, for any extended period of time.

I'm not going to have my parents' life.  I'm not going to have my grandparents' life.  And, I'm okay with that.  I want to have MY life.  I need to make my own mistakes.  And I have to be okay with making the decisions that I want this, or I don't want this. And, just because I don't want it now, doesn't mean I won't want it later...(Ask the freezer...at 9pm, I decide to not eat ice cream, but at 12am, I'm in the freezer, digging out my ice cream.)

Anyway, now that the rant is over, I do want to remind everyone that the ruling in favor of Marriage for ALL is a good thing.  And, I'm happy that it happened.  It means that my friends who have already been married (Jim and Nelson, Patrick and Brian, Ted and Larry, etc.) and those who are about to get married (Jay and Dennis) can be legally recognized as spouses everywhere in the country, not just where they got the marriage license from.

I was really happy to see so many positive reactions on my Facebook from both my gay and lesbian friends, and my straight friends. With the rainbow filter for profile pictures, I was amazed at just how many people I knew, who were celebrating the decision.  I was actually surprised by a couple of people who I didn't realize were Allies.

And, as with everything, there were those who disagreed with the Supreme Court's decision.  So many people who posted that they had lost Facebook friends over opposing views on the decision.  But, really, if they were really your friends in the first place, it shouldn't matter what they say.  The Supreme Court made the decision to be followed, throughout the land.  If someone doesn't like it, they can suck it.  If deleting themselves or being deleted made them feel better about themselves, is there really anything else we can do?  The blissfully ignorant don't want to be taught, because they don't realize that they don't know everything.  We can continue to try.

Now that we've won marriage equality though, we can't just sit on our laurels and twiddle our thumbs for the rest of our lifetimes.  There are still a lot of issues that we (humanity as a whole and specifically the LGBT community) need to continue to address until things change.  We need to continue to educate about HIV/AIDS and make sure that we have resources for those living with it, and those who will develop it, until a clear cut cure has been found.  We need to continue to work closely with the Transgender community, to drop some of the statistics that are overwhelmingly sad, such as the murder and suicide rates.  We need to teach that it's okay to be different.  And, we need to teach that it's not okay to bully...and in doing so, not be bullies ourselves.

While Friday's monumental decision was a step forward for the Gay Rights Movement, it is not, and cannot be the end of the fight.  

Where's the Love?

I don't want to beat a dead identity, but I feel the need to say one more thing about the controversy surrounding Caitlyn Jenner, and the fact that because I support her, I therefore cannot support our troops, nor can I support any person with cancer or another disease, nor anyone who raises money for the search for a cure.

Within minutes of my last post about Caitlyn, and what I hope to see from her and what I hope I see from the rest of the world, a friend on Facebook had posted that Jenner is not a hero, and if you support Jenner, then you don't support our troops.

Part of this argument comes from the decision to honor Caitlyn Jenner with the Arthur Ashe award for bravery, over a young woman who had raised over 1 million dollars for Cancer research, who sadly passed away after her own battle with cancer this year. Noah Galloway, the veteran who appeared on Dancing With The Stars this season, supposedly was up for this award as well, and was passed over.

In no way was I involved in either decision. Do I think Caitlyn Jenner is more deserving than anyone else? Honestly, not yet. Was it brave confirming what people have been thinking for the past few years, on national television? Yes. Braver than losing half your limbs to a land mine? Yes and no. There are different kinds of bravery. Essentially making a spectacle of your private life is in no way the same as trying to make the world a better place for future generations and losing limbs in the process. They're both bravery. And in no way are they comparable.

I don't know what world everyone else lives in, but in my world, it is possible to support the bravery in a trans woman's coming out publicly (whether for profit, fame, infamy or, just because it needs visibility) and also support the service men and women who give up life and limb for the good of the rest of the world. To think otherwise, is foolish.

Whether that post was in reaction to my blog, or not, there is enough love to go around.

Trans issues are close to my heart, because I know people who are transitioning or have made their transition already. I know the battle is a long one that, for some, will never be over. Not everyone has the resources that Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox, or Chaz Bono have.

Both of my grandfathers, my great uncle and my brother have done service for the United States. While I may not blog about military service (usually, because there isn't a lot to do with drag, that becomes public knowledge), I have the utmost respect for anyone selfless enough to give up everything for the safety and freedom that I enjoy. Those are the people who give me the right to talk about Drag and not worry about whether someone is going to kill me for it, because "those are the rules." They also allow for me to freely say that I disagree with someone who believes that I cannot support more than one cause at a time. 

Cancer has taken its toll on both family and friend/acquaintances. Whenever possible I donate what I can to help with the search for a cure. The same goes for HIV/AIDS. While I may only be a child of the '80's, that does not exclude me from those affected by it.  I officially know one person who has died from AIDS complications. I know a number of people who live with HIV, and I wish that in their lifetime, we can progress enough with research that they can end their lives healthy, happy people, not as statistics. Thus the reason that for the last three years, I have taken time off from work to do what I can for the Southern Maine AIDS Walk weekend.

I am not a one trick pony. I support who and what I believe in. 

Let's get over the fear and transphobia, and stop treating each other like we're incapable of being caring. We can try to understand that which we do not without putting it down. We can show care for the veterans who have risked it all for us. And we can support research to end some of this generation's killers. But, we can do none of this through hate. It must come from a place of love. Ask questions. Remember that not everyone knows your life, nor how you think...but also not everyone is going to agree with you. And that is ok.

Respect everyone, including those who disrespect you. You may be the reason that they finally turn the corner and stop the hate.

#CallMeCaitlyn

Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair,
photographed by Annie Leibovitz

 Yesterday, the internet was broken.  And, it wasn't by Kim Kardashian.  Caitlyn Jenner's Vanity Fair shoot was released, and all the social media sites blew up with the news.

For anyone who may have been living under a rock, and doesn't watch the news, or know anything about the Kardashians, I'll give a brief rundown of why this is such an important story, and then I'll get into why I didn't post anything about it "in real time."

Caitlyn Jenner was formerly known as Bruce Jenner.  Bruce, (in case you don't know) was a gold medal winner, in the men's decathlon in 1976 in Montreal.  Bruce was also, for a number of years, married to Kris Jenner, the mother (momager) of the Kardashian clan.  In April, Bruce sat through an interview with Diane Sawyer, in which he announced that he was completing a transition into a woman.  Throughout the interview, he requested that media sources use the pronoun he, until he debuted "Her."

"She", Caitlyn, was finally revealed to the world, yesterday, and to an overwhelming amount of support.  While the majority of my Facebook feed was very supportive, there were a few people, here and there, who were less than supportive, and, occasionally, just mean.

When I first saw her, I was at work, and it was all I could do to not gasp, and say how amazing she looks.  Having watched the gradual transition through the show, Keeping up with the Kardashians, and the tabloids at the supermarket, I was actually shocked by the change.

Caitlyn Jenner, photographed by Annie Leibovitz

So, why is this such an important story?

Bruce Jenner is a name that is known to the majority of the world, for two vastly different reasons...  1.) He was an Olympic gold medalist. 2) He was the dad on Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Caitlyn Jenner is one of the first transgender people who many "average" people will "know."  (I don't discount any of the others who have paved the way for Caitlyn...Laverne Cox, Christine Jorgensen, etc.)  But, she has been public about the transition throughout it.  She also opened up about what life as a trans person is like, as a way of opening up conversation about trans issues.

The biggest thing that Caitlyn's debut did, was start sparking conversations that show just how far we have to go, in accepting all people.  For every 10, "You go girl," posts that came across my feed, there was probably 1, "Is anyone else over this whole Bruce Jenner thing?" And, every one of those "Who else is over this?", there were people coming out of the woodwork, in support of Caitlyn, explaining that I never expected.

Caitlyn is important, not because she "gives the gays a new cause," but because she gives a very public face to those dealing with gender dysmorphia, and transitioning.  She, whether she intended to or not, has made herself an advocate, for those who don't know how to advocate for themselves.  And, she has become a role model for a whole new generation.

Because of Caitlyn, people are going to learn when to use the proper pronouns, and why it's offensive not to.  People are going to make mistakes.  People are going to learn, through Caitlyn, much as they have through Laverne Cox and other trans people who have made a name for themselves, that they are not stereotypes.

And, the hope, for many people, is that with the very public transition, Caitlyn can help bring some attention to the issues that plague the trans community.  Suicide is one of the most prevalent issues, that needs to be addressed.  We have on average 41% of our trans community attempting suicide.  Trans people who don't kill themselves are also at a much higher risk of being murdered.  In 2012, 53% of LGBTQ murders were committed against transgender women...and 73% against non-white people.  If Caitlyn's "coming out" (of sorts) can help even just one or two young people choose not to end their lives...If her coming out can teach just one or two people that trans lives matter just as much as the rest of us...then, she will have done what is "expected" of her.

Caitlyn still has a long road of acceptance to go through herself.  And, I for one will be supporting her, every step of the way.

So, if I'm such a supporter, then why did I choose not to write immediately after having seen the photographs?  Well, for one, I was at work, so I didn't really have time to sit down and write out my thoughts.  Second, Caitlyn Jenner is a real person...and with the advent of the internet, it's possible that she could read it...and I wanted to have all my thoughts in order, so that I didn't come off like an ass...(like I did that time that Pandora Boxx read my blog in which I said that she wasn't one of my favorite performers that night, and commented on it.)  Along with that, I wanted to make sure that I had the right pronouns, and that I was being sensitive to what name I use when discussing the different parts of Caitlyn's former life.

I will be the first to admit that in spite of the fact that I actually have friends who are trans, that I know through the world of drag, I am pretty trans-ignorant.  So, I was also trying to be as respectful as I could to any of my friends who could potentially read this, and be offended.  If I have been at all offensive, in any way, PLEASE let me know.  I will re-edit and be more sensitive the next time I write anything about trans issues.  (Or if you, or anyone you know is trans and would like to help educate me with what is proper and what is offensive, I beg you to let me know...because I don't want to be known as that insensitive fuck who makes things up when he doesn't understand them to begin with.)

But, anyway, I will leave you with a quote from Caitlyn, that I think is important to end with...because, it's things like this, that will help people like me, and the rest of the general public, get educated.

"The uncomfortableness of being me never leaves me all day long. I’m not doing this to be interesting. I’m doing this to live … if I was lying on my deathbed and I had kept this secret and never ever did anything about it, I would be lying there saying, ‘You just blew your entire life. You never dealt with yourself.’ And I don’t want that to happen."