I have a bad habit of feeling things very deeply, and taking things personally. And, yet, on occasion, I have been accused of having no feelings, nor any ideas of my own. This apparently, has been a running issue, for the majority of my life, because, once, it almost got me thrown out of art school for plagiarizing.
As someone who is naturally shy, it is hard for me to speak what's on my mind. When you put a person in front of me, and say "Talk to them," I freeze, the way others do when they're handed a test. But, give me a pen and paper, or a phone to text with, and I can carry on a conversation, or share all kinds of information. I have a hard time starting a conversation, because I don't really know what people talk about. And, if I have the slightest inclination to think that you're not interested, I'll stop. Because, the last thing that I want to do is bore you.
It takes me time to process things when I am spoken to. It's not a long time. But, if you throw too much at me, all at once, and expect a response, it may not come. Because, while you're thinking that I'm not listening, I'm still trying to work my way through everything that has been said. I usually have an answer, but, sometimes I don't. In which case, I begin to panic, and try to process faster, and think of something to say. This is where I have my greatest problems.
I have worked for a third of my life, in a field where, you're not supposed to show emotion. (It's nearly impossible, and even with hiding it, clients can still tell what you're feeling. They've learned to pick up on cues that you don't even know you're giving off.) So, while my face may betray me when I'm eating something disgusting, or seeing someone's skin ripped off on tv, in every day life, I tend to be a little more closed off. If you cry on my shoulder, I'm probably going to look like a deer in the headlights, because I don't necessarily know what to say to make you feel better. If you yell at me, I'm going to probably stare at you, and wait for you to finish yelling, before I even think about talking back. I dislike confrontation, so, if you're yelling, I usually am feeling immediately, like I have done something wrong, and put up my walls for defense.
As for having original ideas...I do think for myself. Although, sometimes, I will adapt to a different way of thinking. Years ago, I wanted kids. While I have plenty of love to give, over time, I've realized that having kids is pretty unrealistic in my life. After having had a (for all intents and purposes) marriage blow up in my face, and realizing that a divorce would make a potential break up drag on, I've come to the conclusion that the only way I will ever consider a marriage, is if I know for a fact that there is no possibility of there being a break up. (So, it's most likely not going to happen. Sorry Mom.)
If I say that I'm excited about something, I usually am. It's when you question whether I'm really excited, that I wonder if there's a reason that I shouldn't be. I'm constantly second guessing myself. And, while this is something I know about myself, it's also something that I'm trying to work on. I can't be wrong about how I feel ALL THE TIME.
I may not be the most thoughtful person there is. I don't bring home flowers daily. I don't necessarily remember the name of your second grade teacher, who you've only talked about once. But, if there's something that you want or need, I can usually tell you, or surprise you with it, before you realize it yourself.
Little things are unimportant to me. However, I understand that sometimes little things are important to you. So, therefore, your little things are my little things. They're things that I need to make important, in my life. Sometimes, I want to tell you that your little things are silly, and that you're making too big a deal out of them.
But, I don't want to hurt your feelings, or make you upset. That's why I don't always say something. I do have feelings. A lot of them. But, they're mine. And, I don't know how to express them. So, I push them aside, in hopes that things will just be fine. I know, that usually, that's where the problem is, but I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how to not do it.
And, I make mistakes. A lot of them. Like, more mistakes than you can ever imagine in your life. You may see them as just what they are. I tend to see them more as a learning experience. Every time I fuck something up, I learn something from it. (I hate that I'm about to quote Bieber, but,
"I know you know that I make these maybe once or twice, and by once or twice I mean maybe a couple of hundred of hundred times.") Sometimes I do make the same mistake over and over...because sometimes, I'm just that dumb, that I don't get the lesson.
So, you'll have to bear with me. I'm not perfect. I am human. I do have feelings, I do bleed. I do make mistakes. And, I give everything I have, with every fiber of my being. And, someday, maybe that will be enough.
As someone who is naturally shy, it is hard for me to speak what's on my mind. When you put a person in front of me, and say "Talk to them," I freeze, the way others do when they're handed a test. But, give me a pen and paper, or a phone to text with, and I can carry on a conversation, or share all kinds of information. I have a hard time starting a conversation, because I don't really know what people talk about. And, if I have the slightest inclination to think that you're not interested, I'll stop. Because, the last thing that I want to do is bore you.
It takes me time to process things when I am spoken to. It's not a long time. But, if you throw too much at me, all at once, and expect a response, it may not come. Because, while you're thinking that I'm not listening, I'm still trying to work my way through everything that has been said. I usually have an answer, but, sometimes I don't. In which case, I begin to panic, and try to process faster, and think of something to say. This is where I have my greatest problems.
I have worked for a third of my life, in a field where, you're not supposed to show emotion. (It's nearly impossible, and even with hiding it, clients can still tell what you're feeling. They've learned to pick up on cues that you don't even know you're giving off.) So, while my face may betray me when I'm eating something disgusting, or seeing someone's skin ripped off on tv, in every day life, I tend to be a little more closed off. If you cry on my shoulder, I'm probably going to look like a deer in the headlights, because I don't necessarily know what to say to make you feel better. If you yell at me, I'm going to probably stare at you, and wait for you to finish yelling, before I even think about talking back. I dislike confrontation, so, if you're yelling, I usually am feeling immediately, like I have done something wrong, and put up my walls for defense.
As for having original ideas...I do think for myself. Although, sometimes, I will adapt to a different way of thinking. Years ago, I wanted kids. While I have plenty of love to give, over time, I've realized that having kids is pretty unrealistic in my life. After having had a (for all intents and purposes) marriage blow up in my face, and realizing that a divorce would make a potential break up drag on, I've come to the conclusion that the only way I will ever consider a marriage, is if I know for a fact that there is no possibility of there being a break up. (So, it's most likely not going to happen. Sorry Mom.)
If I say that I'm excited about something, I usually am. It's when you question whether I'm really excited, that I wonder if there's a reason that I shouldn't be. I'm constantly second guessing myself. And, while this is something I know about myself, it's also something that I'm trying to work on. I can't be wrong about how I feel ALL THE TIME.
I may not be the most thoughtful person there is. I don't bring home flowers daily. I don't necessarily remember the name of your second grade teacher, who you've only talked about once. But, if there's something that you want or need, I can usually tell you, or surprise you with it, before you realize it yourself.
Little things are unimportant to me. However, I understand that sometimes little things are important to you. So, therefore, your little things are my little things. They're things that I need to make important, in my life. Sometimes, I want to tell you that your little things are silly, and that you're making too big a deal out of them.
But, I don't want to hurt your feelings, or make you upset. That's why I don't always say something. I do have feelings. A lot of them. But, they're mine. And, I don't know how to express them. So, I push them aside, in hopes that things will just be fine. I know, that usually, that's where the problem is, but I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how to not do it.
And, I make mistakes. A lot of them. Like, more mistakes than you can ever imagine in your life. You may see them as just what they are. I tend to see them more as a learning experience. Every time I fuck something up, I learn something from it. (I hate that I'm about to quote Bieber, but,
"I know you know that I make these maybe once or twice, and by once or twice I mean maybe a couple of hundred of hundred times.") Sometimes I do make the same mistake over and over...because sometimes, I'm just that dumb, that I don't get the lesson.
So, you'll have to bear with me. I'm not perfect. I am human. I do have feelings, I do bleed. I do make mistakes. And, I give everything I have, with every fiber of my being. And, someday, maybe that will be enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment