#WhatPrideMeansToMe

This year, Pride Portland! asked on their Facebook page, for people to write in with the hashtag, What Pride Means To Me.  Of course, being the procrastinator that I am, I put it off.  And put it off.  And put it off.  And, now we're about 3 days out from Pride.  So, it's time to do it, or not.  And, I'm going to do it.  Although, what I have to say, is going to take far too much room for one of the little blurbs that they've been using for other people.

Pride has always been about the fight.  It's been about making sure that the LGBT community is visible, so that other people can understand the struggle that we go through on a daily basis, just to get the same respect as everyone else.  This, is especially important now, following the attack on Orlando's Pulse Nightclub.  The media is omitting the detail that it is a gay nightclub, which is sad, considering that the reason it even exists, is to keep the "pulse" of the owner's brother's heart alive...a brother who was part of the LGBT community.  The response to the attack has been polarizing.  Gay people are accusing straight people of not caring.  Gun owners, are attacking (verbally) people who are advocating for stricter gun laws.

 It's gotten so bad, that people are trying to take down two businesses in the Portland/Falmouth area, because the owner got so upset about the whole thing, that she posted to Facebook that she would not serve people who owned nor condoned the use of Military Grade Weapons, in her restaurants.  And, the backlash, not just from the state of Maine, but from across the country, in response has been terrible.  All this, in response to a woman who for the last 3 years, has donated one of her restaurants to Pride Portland, for free, for Pride events.

I have had to hide posts on my timeline, from people I grew up with.  Not because I don't like the people.  But, because intentional or not, their attempts at gallows humor, have been severely offensive to me.  You don't have to be gay to be my friend.  You don't have to agree with my anti-gun beliefs.  But, I need you to understand that this was an attack on my community.  In a world that already doesn't feel safe, things have gotten a little more real.  A little scarier than they have ever been before.

So, back to my point.  Pride is about the fight.  The fight to be visible.  The fight to have a voice.  To be able to be ourselves, whether we're fat, femme and asian, or tall, tan and twinky.  We're bears, and otters and pigs.  Silver foxes.  We're gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people.  We live beside you, and you see us on a daily basis, whether you realize it or not.  And, Pride gives us a chance to show how far we've come.  Both, as a nation, and individually.

At this time last year, we were waiting for (or just received...honestly, I can't quite remember) a ruling from the Supreme Court about whether marriage should be legal for the LGBT community.  And, now, it is.  It was a victory, to be celebrated.  But, there are still places in the country and in the world, where you can be evicted, or fired for just being gay.  And, in most places, around the world, you can't be trans and expect to have a full life, because the death toll for trans people (especially those of color) is staggering.

For me, Pride is a time to say, "Look, I'm gay, but that's not all of who I am."  It's a chance for me to open up a conversation to educate people who may not know a gay or lesbian or trans person.  It's a time when I can be with people who are like me, and understand that it hasn't been an easy process to get to the point in my life where I'm comfortable with who I am.  It's a time for me to think about all the times growing up that I was called names and people talked about me, in front of me, like I wasn't there.  And, to realize that none of that really matters.  Yes, it helped shape me into who I am today, but it doesn't matter anymore.

What matters now, is showing the world that we're not going to self destruct, because people are threatening our safe places.  What matters now, more than ever is for us to band together, and make things happen.  Over the course of history, the LGBT community has made things happen.

The riots at Stonewall were started by a drag queen, and lead to changes in laws.  In 1969, it was illegal to sell alcohol to homosexuals, and it was illegal for two men to dance with each other.  The riots following a raid set the backdrop for the modern Gay Rights movement.  This is our history, and this night, is the reason that Pride parades exist.

In the 80's, when the number of people who were dying from AIDS complications hit record numbers, a small, but vocal group of gay men led the fight for finding a cure.  But, before they could find a cure, they had to convince a presidential administration to even start looking for medical treatments to help dying friends and lovers.

In the 90's we were allowed to serve in the military, but had to do so in secret.  It wasn't until a couple years ago, that Don't Ask, Don't Tell, was done away with.  But, there was a fight to abolish that, which eventually, we won.

The LGBT community is now at arms, again, struggling to be seen and heard, following the brutal murders of 49 people and injuries of 53.  This is going to be the Stonewall of my generation.  This is going to be what will bring people together to bring about changes.  Whether it's writing senators about gun control change, or attending candlelight vigils, or whether it's just continuing to go out, and just not be scared, the attack has changed many of us, whether we knew someone who died or not.  We are once again in a place of needing to advocate for our selves, and our safety.  For some, this will be over in weeks, for others, months.  And, for some, this will be the beginning of a lifetime of advocacy for the LGBT community.

With the sweeping changes to the LGBT climate over the last few years, the overturning of DADT, and legalization of marriage nationwide, it may seem like we're in the best position that we've been in almost 50 years. This may be true.  But, we're not done.  Not by a long shot.  Until the day that we don't have to worry about looking at someone for just a second too long, and wondering if they're going to pound the crap out of us.  Until the day that a trans person doesn't have to worry about whether they're going to pass in society.  Until the day when it doesn't matter that you're gay or straight.  Until the day that we can be free to do what we want, love whom we want, and be ourselves, without fear of repercussions against us, we have work to do.

Pride to me, is about being yourself.  But, it's just as much about fighting for what's right.  Not just for me, but for the next generation and those yet to come.  So much work has been done, to make it easier for me to be my authentic self, by past generations of the LGBTQIA community.  So, in some small way, it's up to my generation, and those to come, to continue to make things easier for future generations, until, there is no longer a need to fight to be accepted by society.

So, I will be at Pride.  I will be attending events this weekend.  And, while I may be a little more cautious about my surroundings, I will have fun.  I don't want to be scared.  And, I don't want to let fear take over, and keep me from doing things that I love.  And, that, above all, is what Pride means to me.

Gender.....Fuck!

I have a bad habit of believing that because drag is a constant in my life, that it makes me a scholar, when it comes to the topic of gender. And, then, events come along that prove to me that I still have a long way to go before I will ever be able to teach a gender studies class.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I got my schooling. Pride! Portland had posted a request for ideas of entertainment for the week. Dan/Shaunna Rai suggested getting some talent that originated in the area, and Ian Harvie was on the list. As Dan told me this, a couple things clicked. Ian was the first trans person that I knew of. I followed him on MySpace, back in the pre-public Facebook days. And, Ian is in the Amazon Prime show, Transparent. And, since I just got a subscription to Amazon Prime, we decided to watch it. And, I'm hooked. I'm actually disappointed that we binge watched it, as there are only 10 episodes, and I have no idea when the new season comes out.

Anyway, the timing was good, because just after we watched it, University of Southern Maine had their annual USM Royal Majesty Drag Show.

And with all the understanding that I had developed, just from watching Jeffrey Tambour's character out himself as a trans woman, and begin his journey, it was all undone, walking into the conference room they used as a dressing room. I, of course walked in with Shaunna Rai, and dropped off her suitcase with her costumes for the show.

And, the need to box people into a gender all of a sudden went into overdrive. A few, I knew for sure, because they're people I interact with on a regular basis...drag queen...cis male...cis female...but then there were the ones I didn't know. And I couldn't stop second guessing myself. That's a boy. That's a girl. And, then I caught myself doing it.

I excused myself from the room, figuring,  "ok, I have my camera, and I'll be shooting like a fiend, so I should go find a seat." Going to get a seat would be the distraction I needed to get back to my "genderless" normality.

Only, because the show has been a staple for 15 years, it's a draw for all people. And, I found myself trying to box people in the audience, as well. (Is that a gay boy in a leather harness, or a drag king? I just don't know.) And, it just would be rude to walk up to someone you don't know, to ask.

Finally, the show starts.  I'm glad,  because,  now, I have something to focus on. Between the performances and the music itself, I no longer am concerned with who's a boy, who's a girl, who used to be a boy, who used to be a girl, or who is just fucking with perceived genders. I have pictures to take. I have music that I can lip sync to, along with the performers.  And, all is right in the world again.

Except, I'm not the official photographer, this time. There are actually a couple of other pro photographers there. And we're all going for the same shots. And, we're trying to avoid getting each other in our pictures.

A few performers in, I'm intrigued by someone I've not seen perform before. I wish I could remember his drag name...but he came out with a glam rock look, with  Stephen Amell's Green Arrow eye makeup on. And suddenly, something that happened years ago made sense to me.

I had taken a group of kids that I worked with to see the show I participated in a year or two later, Guys in Gowns. One of the acts was done by Kings, who called themselves the "Whoa Men." And on the way back someone asked about them. And I explained that it was a group of women dressed as men. It later came out that there was a crush going on, and it became an issue, because "...I'm not a lesbian..."

And, now, not only have I been transported back in time, but I'm the "lesbian" in the equation now. The number was good. And, by the end of it, I had talked myself into just enjoying the show, and not even worrying about gender, for the rest of the show. Because, gender is what's on the inside and not what's on the outside...although, it's important for some people to have both match.

Shaunna did her number, a Pussycat Dolls mix, ending in Hush Hush/I will Survive (a song I could watch her do every show and never get bored.) Her tear away outfits had people gasping,  and left them wanting more.

Prodigy Diamond was up next, and got read by Cherry Lemonade, who was hosting, for being late. A mix including Evanescance's Bring Me to Life. The outfit was along the lines of Beetlejuice, as a blonde drag queen. And the performance left people wondering how much of her tottering around acting like she was drunk was for the performance, and how much was her actually being drunk.

During intermission, I talked to a couple of the judges,  then went out to see what was going on in the dressing room. Shaunna came out and took my chair, as I had decided that the way to go for this show was sit at the end of the stage, on the floor.

The show started up again,  and this time it was the "contestants's" turns to perform. It was almost all Kings competing this year, with one Queen. E standouts were, Michael Jackson, and John Legend. There was another one, but I can't remember the song.

John Legend was good.

Michael Jackson was amazing,  and, in my mind should clearly have won first place. She knew the dance from the music video step for step. And, looks-wise, until she looked you dead on, she was a dead-ringer.

The song I don't remember,  ended up winning. And, she earned it. The lip sync was on point, as was the dancing. And she's deaf. Until they asked her her "pageant" question,  and an interpreter answered for her, I never would've guessed.

Speaking of interpreters, because they want to be inclusive of everyone, they always have ASL interpreters at the show. And, sometimes, it's actually more fun to watch them perform than to watch the actual performance.  They lip sync to it, and occasionally, they get swept up in the music and start dancing, themselves.

The night was fun. And not a bad way to spend the eve of Dan and my 3 year (Facebook official) anniversary. We went home early, ordered pizzas,  and relaxed, before a trip to Boston the next day.

But, the night was the slap in the face that I needed to realize that even I am not immune from putting people in gender boxes. And, I'm one of the people preaching to others not to... And, I again realize that there are still so many questions I have that I don't know how to get answered, without coming off ignorant and rude...