Introducing: ???

A couple years ago, (has it really been that long?) I decided that I wanted to spotlight some queens on my blog.  It lasted for about 3 posts...because:
a) At the time, when I started it, I didn't know many queens.
b)I didn't want to bother people with interview questions, because, really, who am I?
c) I didn't really know what I was doing.

I've got three years of blogging under my belt now.  I have a little bit better idea of what I'm doing.  And, I know a ton of drag performers now. (Still not sure how many of them would be up for being spotlighted...) So, it might be time for me to bring this back to the blog.

I think the hardest part of the whole process of figuring out the interview questions, though, is going to be what to ask, that wouldn't be the "normal" questions.  Everyone wants to know about the first time that you did drag, and what that was like, so, there would be those kind of questions.  But, I'm more interested in some of the lesser known stuff.  Why do you do drag?  What keeps you doing drag?

My Maine queens (and kings) deserve representation and exposure (to the world...because I do have readers from around the world).  But, I want to show off some of the queens that I've spent time with, who I really enjoy watching them.  And, I want to get the names of some of Maine's new crop of performers out there.  There are a number of really good queens, who are very new to the scene, who could use a little bit of exposure, to build their fan bases.

So, if you're a queen and want to be featured, let me know.  Or, if you know a queen who would like to be featured, shoot me a message, and me know.  I would love to hear from any and all queens and kings.  Because, let's face it...drag is about exposure.  And, any exposure is good exposure...even if it is just from a silly little blog.

Speak, Boy, Speak!

Easter, according to Christian tradition is the day that Jesus rose from the grave, therefore it is a celebration or life and rebirth. In pagan tradition, it is a celebration of life and fertility. (The eggs equal fertility, and I can only assume that the reason why a giant rabbit is the symbol of the holiday, is because along with eating mass quantities of chocolate and jelly beans, we're all expected to screw like bunnies..?)

Easter has a different meaning for me though. Traditionally, for me, Easter has also been a time for rebirth. Or, more precisely, reinvention.

A number of years ago, having been struck with the plague (strep throat), while I house sat for my friends Jim and Nelson, I spent my first Easter alone. Completely alone. Having quarantined myself, I was single (at the time, for the first time since I was 19) and i was lonely. So, I did what any sane person would do, and went on Facebook to troll through all the pictures of people who were happily celebrating with their family or friends. (Brilliant, right? )

Anyway, it was during that time, that I realized that where I was at in my life wasn't healthy for me, and I needed to make a change. I made a plan...or at least a timeline for a plan, and then hoped like hell that everything would work out. Three months later I moved to South Portland, and my life changed in so many ways that I can't even begin to understand.

Since the move, I have had good times and bad. Times when I've wanted to move back to my parents' house. Times when I've just been over everything. And, times when I can't imagine how my life could be any better.

During one of these bad days, I wrote on my Facebook page about how much things have been sucking lately and how depressed I've been. I openly discussed anger with friends who have died due to suicide, and the fact that I understood why they would feel that that was their only way out. (A number of people assumed it was a suicide note.)*  

I thought nothing of it. I figured it was 3 am when I posted it, so nobody would see it, and then it would blow over. I would've gotten it off my chest, and that would be the end of it. I didn't expect what happened next.

I had a number of people thank me for my openness and honesty in what I had written. I had people private message me, to talk about their own depression. And, I still have people coming to me asking me if things are going any better for me. In fact, I had moved beyond it, and at one of the shows this weekend, I had the mother of one of the queens come up to me and ask me about how I was doing.  It was a little odd for me, because I didn't expect it.  

Because it has been a busy weekend, and I ended up having to do a lot of driving, some of it, on my own, I had a lot of time to think.  And, I came to a conclusion.  I come off as being totally aloof, and almost like I'm better than everyone else.  It's totally not intentional.  It's because I don't really talk.  I listen.  I plan.  And, only after I've figured out how to make a conversation so that nothing I say can be twisted, then I will respond.  It's part of my anxiety about people liking me.  And, it makes things really awkward when I'm out with other people.

So, while it's a baby step, I'm going to try to work with the momentum of the depression post, and try to be a little more responsive to people.  More than likely, it's going to take place via Facebook before it happens in person.  (Baby steps.)  But, I need to break myself out of the self-imposed prison of my thoughts.  I can be funny, and I can be insightful.  People respond well to my writing.  And, the one thing that people always tell Dan/Shaunna Rai about me, is that they wish that I would speak up and have an opinion.  (I do have an opinion, I just don't always feel like everyone needs to know it.)  

So, given the fact that I choose not to make a New Year's resolution, because I always fail at them, I want to try to make my Easter reinvention happen again. So, if I randomly talk to you, please realize, that I'm trying to put myself out of my comfort zone, and that it's taking a lot of courage for me to do so.

*This is the original Facebook post, I refer to...in case you wanted a reference point.

So, March is turning out to be a pretty shitty month for me. I'd signed up for a whole month worth of shifts, only for them to be cancelled with no notice. Then, on top of that, Expert is unable to get me shifts. So, I'm not getting hours. So, I'm not getting paid. Which, in itself, is unacceptable. I feel like there's a noose tightening around my throat, the closer we get to rent being due again. As it is, I'm not going to be able to pay the cable or electric, or my car payments. I'm lucky that I was able to pay my car insurance. And, I'll be lucky, if I can get hours to be able to pay my rent.

Over the years, a number of people I've known have taken the only route that they saw to get out of this kind of situation. They've taken their own lives. For a long time, I've been angry at them. All of them. Missy, John, Leroy and Chase. It never made any sense to me why. They didn't have bad lives. They had things to live for. But, they chose to stop. And, everyone else had to deal with the fallout.

I never understood...in spite of my own history of depression and suicidal feelings. I've never been able to go through with it, because I'm an eternal optimist, and, in my world, everything will get better, eventually. It's just a shitty time at the moment. But, it clicked today. I hit the point, this afternoon, when I realized, it's not up to me to decide whether they were right or wrong to do what they ultimately did. I'm choosing to let the anger go. I understand the feeling that the walls are closing in around you, with no signs of a doorway to go through, to make it all better. I understand feeling trapped, and like nobody else in the world cares about what happens to you. I understand the thought process behind cutting short a life with so much promise. And, it's scary as fuck.

All that being said, I just need to vent, and get down the thoughts that have been in my head all afternoon. I'm having a rough time. The struggle is excruciating. I'm at the point of wanting to give up. But, I know that it's all temporary. The pendulum will swing the other way, and things will go back to normal. I just need to have patience. I'm applying for jobs. I'm trying to get myself out there. I'm trying to get to the point of making a profit (however small), off my photography. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. And, I know, that for so many of the feelings I'm feeling, I'm the only one who can change them. I need to take matters into my own hands, and assert myself. No more letting people tell me what's best for me. If things aren't working, it's time to change them. Like Aida said in "Enchantment Passing Through,"

"If you don't like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you. So don't expect any pity or understanding from this humble palace slave!"

Mostly, I'm putting this out there, to work through some dark feelings, and try to get out of the darkness that I've been feeling. While I can empathize with the feelings of wanting to end it, I have no intention of doing so. But, it was necessary to work through because my mind went there today. I will do no harm to myself or others. I just ask for a little bit of kindness and a lot bit of luck over the next few weeks/months. I may be looking at a potential career change in July, if things work out right. So, I'm just keeping my options open, and hoping for something to work out in my favor.

And, just as a PSA (I'm in no way involved with the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, but wanted to link to them, just in case anyone needs them.):
No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

Why DON'T You Do Drag? or I Just Want to be Pretty

Me, with no makeup, no padding, and gym sock boobies.

Back in February, during the Open Hearts/Broken Hearts show, Chris, the director of the show, asked me why I don't do drag.  He was surprised when I told him that I had done it before, and then again asked me why I don't. 

At the time, I had a stock answer.  I'd been growing my beard since November.  Doing drag would mean shaving it off, and then I'd have to go through the 3 1/2 weeks of itching and wanting to tear my face off.  So, there was no way that I would put myself through all that, just for a show that might last a couple of hours.

I guess it was an acceptable excuse, since he didn't pursue it any further.

But, Chris isn't the first person to have asked me why I don't do drag, and most likely won't be the last.  Cherry Lemonade asked me about it, the same night, and almost died when I showed her pictures. 

"Well, why not," she asked.  "Well, you know, the beard, and everything.  And, I don't really perform.  I can sing, but I sing for myself.  I can't dance...(I'm so white that I dance with my shoulders, and that's about it.)

Mathu Anderson, the face behind RuPaul's face.

It's all been excuses though.  The truth is, Drag is a ton of work. While I may be able to lip sync with the likes of Jujubee, because I know the songs, I know nothing of makeup, and padding, and building a body.  (Plus, Dan had said at the beginning of our relationship that if I ever decided to become a drag queen, our relationship would have to turn to a friendship, because he doesn't date other drag queens.)  I'm lazy enough that I don't want to have to go through all the work of getting all dolled up for something.  Or, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

The last couple of weeks for me have been a mess.  My job as a temp agency person has been less than helpful in getting me hours.  And, so I've been spending a lot of time at home, thinking. People always tell you to do what makes you happy.  The last couple of months, I've been more or less miserable at work.   A job that I used to enjoy now leaves me longing for something more. It's time to make a move...it's just a matter of figuring out what that move is.

Having dealt with depression for most of my life, I can tell that part of my problem, is that my depression is back, and not under control.  (In part, I assume, due to the stress of never knowing if I'm going to have any hours, thus never knowing if I'm going to have money for bills.) And, I've been trying to release some anger toward people who have moved on to the next life, of their own volition.  It's an anger that I didn't even know was there, until a few days ago.  And, so of course, the resulting facebook post, on my personal page, came off like a suicide note, and I got a ton of messages from it, making it feel like I had done something bad, by writing it.  When, in fact, it was done to release feelings, and not as an actual, "I'm fishing for likes and comments," post.  But, over the past week or so, I've been dealing with the idea of mortality.  And, the finality of death. 

So, why am I telling you all this?  Because, well, I'm still trying to process some things on my own.  And, writing about it usually helps.  And, because, it ties in, eventually, if you stay with me. 

Drag, has given me a voice, both as a writer, and as a photographer.  This blog, is my way of discussing drag.  And, the shows that I attend, give me both something to photograph, and something to write about.  Cherry Lemonade told me last summer, (a sentiment that Shaunna Rai has repeated since) that I fill a niche, and my blog is important to the performers themselves.  (At least sometimes...I've had a few get pissed off at me because when I've written about performances, they didn't get much coverage, because they didn't really stand out all that much.) I give the performers a view of what they did, that they don't normally get...because people tend to be like, "OMG, You're SOOOO Awesome.  You're my FAVE drag queen, ever." And, I'm real about it.  If you were good, I'll let everyone know how good.  If you're bad, I'm going to skim over the bad parts, because my goal is to tell what I see, NOT to hurt anyone's feelings.

Bearded Ladies can be Beautiful too!

Of course, living with Shaunna Rai, I have full access to outfits, makeup and hair, any time that I want.  But, I haven't taken advantage of it, ever, with the exception of Halloween, because I don't want to be a pain in the ass.  That being said, I've often wondered what I would actually look like, if I went full on drag queen...And,in spite of RuPaul's Drag Race's bearded lady challenge last season, I haven't really been keen on bearded drag.  Just, because I hadn't really seen much of it that really impressed me much.

Last night, I may have become enamored of the look of a (new to me) bearded queen.  Hellvetika, along with Mathu Anderson changed my mind about bearded drag.  Of course, there are good makeup artists, and there are not so good ones.  The two of them, though, are top of the line, in my book.  I'm not saying that I'm planning on being dragged out of the closet, as a bearded queen any time soon.  God knows, I can't afford it right now, on my will I work this week budget. But, it's not totally ruled out anymore.  At least not as long as I can manage to get away with looking ok, and not looking like a pot-bellied bald guy in a sausage casing dress.

So, no promises, but, if you see a bearded lady with a camera, lip syncing with the rest of the queens, it could be me...Maybe...

I just wanna be pretty.

Shaunna's T-Shirt Shop

Shaunna Rai Sublimation Tee

While I was on my brief hiatus with the blog, Shaunna Rai and I have been working on some projects... the most important, being that she is now working with Drag Queen Merch, and is selling merchandise through their store.

Shaunna Rai's Sunglasses Tee

This has been kind of a big deal to me, because, quite frankly, it's something that I've been trying to make happen for a couple years...and, because I was the one to get in touch with them, ask them the questions to get the answers needed to make it happen, and because, essentially, all the artwork involved in the shirts went through me (and photoshop).  We started off small, knowing that we can always add to the store.

So, if you've ever wanted to get yourself some Shaunna Rai merchandise, or a printed version of one of my photos, go to the store, HERE, and order away! And, keep a lookout, because there will be more in the future...including at least one drawing that I will be doing of her...and potentially, down the road, she'll have a fan art contest for a t-shirt design as well...we tried once, but only really got one piece of art.

Both of the designs shown are also available as tank tops as well.

...And, There Is One More Thing...

I took a little bit of a break from writing about shows, for a bit.  The loss of Shaunna Rai's "friend" page on Facebook, and the subsequent fallout from that has kept me busy, trying to show her how to work within the confines of a "Like" page.  It's a change, that's for sure.  But, once you get used to it, it's not so bad.  The fallout though, has continued to be a hell.  All the queens who have been effected by having their page examined with a fine toothed comb by Facebook to determine if they are who they say they are, has created a mania of sorts. "Who is responsible for this?" is the ever present question, and unfortunately, a month and a half later, it still hasn't been resolved.  Still nobody knows who's to blame.  And, they're all just waiting for the Facebook police to come and take their pages away. 

So, while all that has been going on, I haven't been on a hiatus at all.  I've been trying to expand my reach a little.  I now have a presence on Instagram as dragged2inside.  I have a Twitter page, which is basically an extension of my Facebook page, as @Dragged2inside and, of course, I have my Facebook page (which is used far more frequently than the blog here) facebook.com/draggedtotheinside .  I don't know how many people really pay attention to what I have to say, or what I want to show...but there you have them...all the ways you can stalk me.

I took a break, to re-evaluate whether I've been a dick to anyone or not, because over the course of time, you know how it is.  People say to your face that you're awesome, and then, the talk comes from behind your back, saying that you're a horrible person, and that you don't deserve to have a voice, because you don't agree with the status quo.  (Case in point, Bernie Sanders vs. every other politician vying for the presidency this year.)  Anyhow, it's gotten back to me, that a while ago I managed to piss some people off.  I'm going to take this moment to say, I'm sorry that you got pissed off, but I'm not sorry for what I've said.  On occasion, I may criticize, but, it's meant to be creative criticism, not just me being bitchy.  If you've ever taken anything that I've said to be anything other than the way it was intended, I apologize.

With all that being said, I'm going to talk briefly about the February shows, as a whole, just because I really want to break them all down, and talk about them individually.  February, for whatever reason, has been the busy month for drag, for as long as I've known Shaunna.  Fresh on the heels of the Facebook debacle, Shaunna was actually considering making a break from all of the responsibilities that she had agreed to...in other words, she almost canceled her February bookings.  Fortunately, she decided against it, and February turned out to be a really fun month.

It started with the Acme Club's Mardi Gras show.  (Ok, not really the Acme Club's show, since they had nothing to do with it other than being the venue...it was really Sheneeda Diet's show).  Buffy Halliwell and Dahlia Black, two performers from New Hampshire, were fresh faced, welcome additions to the local talent.  Shaunna hosted with Sheneeda, and performers included Mizs Queery, Miss E,on, Jacinda, Buffy and Dahlia.  I may have had a little bit of a meltdown at the end of the show.  (Read this as, I did have a meltdown.) But, I got over it, and looking back at the night, enjoyed the majority of it.

Next up, was a Boys Night Out on the Town in Portland.  Dan and I went to see a show at Styxx on a Friday night.  This was the first time that I had an inkling that there was really much of a "next generation of drag."  Gigi Gabor, Lady Ginger, Chloe Lyne-Baquer, Dick Diesel, Delilah N'Chains, and ClubKid MizzDiveena.  I've known Chloe for as long as I was a part of the Portland scene, and I have to say, I was quite impressed with how far she has come.  Gigi, if I hadn't known better, I would've believed was Lili Whiteass from Boston.  They look like they could be sisters, and they even have similar performance styles.  I was so happy to see that there is a future for drag. And, they were good!  I was even happier to see Styxx packed for a drag show.  Styxx should be holding shows on a regular basis, because they usually draw in a crowd. (Just saying!)

The next night, was the Golden Goddess Productions show at the Lewiston Elk's Club.  I can't complain about the shows, because they always deliver, and this one delivered so much energy, it wasn't even funny!  It was like everyone really wanted to be there, and was doing their best to impress.  (This is a really good thing.)  The usuals were there:  Jacinda, Sheneeda, Shaunna, Miss E,on, Prodigy Diamond, Mizs Queery.  And, new additions to the roster included: Cherry Lemonade, Lady Ginger, and ClubKid MizzDiveena.  I loved it, because I was the official photographer, and I was feeling it that night...and I think the camera was too.

Sunday night, we were starting to feel the weekend...Shaunna had a show at Blackstones.  It was Valentine's Day. It was a typical Blackstones show, hosted by Danielle Dior, with Shaunna Rai, Madame Sheena, and an out of towner, Tracey White.  Like most of Danielle's shows, the show was short and sweet, with two numbers each, and extra numbers for Danielle.  It was fun, because JR, one of the bartenders, actually did the opening number with Danielle...the duet of Unforgettable with Nat and Natalie Cole.  Tracey exceeded my expectations. Shaunna stepped outside of her comfort zone, with a comedy number. It was great.

We ended out the month, with big plans.  We went to Boston for Drag Bingo with Kamden T Rage, and Mizery, because it was a benefit for Task Force (the NH/MA equivalent of Frannie Peabody Center).  I didn't expect to win as much as we did.  It was so much fun.  The plan was that afterward, we would go to Machine for the Early and Late shows, and see Violencia and Lili Whiteass...unfortunately, we kind of lost our gumption, and instead went home...which was just as well, because both Z and I had to work in the morning.  But, 4 bags later, and a package of Ramen, wasn't a bad haul, considering the number of people who were actually playing.  I just wish that I could decisively say that we will, definitely, for sure be able to use the gift certificate to Club Café that we won...well, Z won, and then gave to us...before it expires at the end of March. 

Now, we're looking onward to bigger and better things...Buffy is hosting a show at the end of March, that Shaunna will be performing in.  March Dragness is back in Bangor, the following night.  In April, Shaunna will be performing with Lady Sabrina and Ongina (From RuPaul's Drag Race Season One). May is the Southern Maine AIDS Walk weekend, Dragapalooza and Moose-stock (the Zumba retreat).  There's a whole list, that keeps being amended, that I'll post soon.  But, it's going to be a busy next few months.  As much as I hate to admit it, I'm going to enjoy it...even if I don't particularly look enthused about it.

And, finally, I can announce that Shaunna Rai is going to be working with DragQueenMerch.com to start a line of merchandise with her face on it.  It's exciting.  I can't wait to see the first of the t-shirts!!!