What Does the Fox Say?

When you're out and about and get Friday the 13th tattoos with your closest drag queen friends, there has to be a story...right!?

A photo posted by Steve Dixon (@dragged2inside) on May 14, 2016 at 11:07am PDT

Last weekend was a busy, crazy and fun weekend. Basically, everything that I needed after getting bad news about job prospects.

Friday night, we had the Portland Pride Launch Party. I had been asked to take pictures, in exchange for free admission for me, Shaunna Rai and Miss E,on. At least, that's how it was supposed to work. As with the party last year, I had to walk about three blocks to get there after parking. Only to find out that there was nothing for us...so needless to say, Shaunna wasn't happy.  And, it was my responsibility to fix it.

We ended up paying for our tickets, then got reimbursed. Not ideal, but it worked. The launch party was fun. Shaunna was announced along with Cherry Lemonade and drag king Jack Hardness as the judges for the Pride parade. There were so many performances, and I basically was glued to the camera and didn't really interact with anyone...although, my flame glitter beard did get noticed by the MC and I got a shout out.

The night finally was over and I could put the camera away. A few of the other drag queens were going to Styxx, for drinks, so we went along.

As it was Friday the 13th, it turned out to be a very interesting, fun night.

Shortly after going to Styxx, we were told about a shop that was doing tattoos for $20 for as long as they had a line. So, what happens? A troupe of drag queens descended on Lucky's Tattoos. Gigi Gabor had called ahead to see if they were still open, and when she told them that they would be getting a group of queens coming in, they couldn't turn it down.

So, we left Styxx and walked to the tattoo parlor. Shaunna said she would pay for mine, since I'd paid for drinks. We got there, and they said that they were going to cut off just before I would have been able to go. Gigi, Cherry, Shaunna, E,on and Lady Ginger went to sign their lives away as far as paperwork went. I have been wanting another tattoo for a while, especially since I paid for Dan to get one for Valentine's day. So, when she said they wouldn't be taking any more people, I advocated for myself and asked. And, because I was with the queens, I lucked out.

Since we now had a place in line, we headed down the street to Studio 55. And, we ended up closing the club. So, we headed back to the parlor. Jacinda  (who came in boy form) and I had to run to move our cars so they wouldn't get towed.

Finally, we hunkered down for the night...or morning...since it was like 2am by now. There were still a few people ahead of us. The tv was on, and it was sports. Shaunna complained that queens don't care about sports. The tv eventually listened, and changed to some kind of nature show.

"What the fuck!?" I looked up to see people shoot a hippo, and then butcher it on air. What the fuck, indeed. Once that was over, Wild America, a show from the 80's came on. And, again, dying animals...this time at the hands...teeth of other animals.

Finally, it was time to get tattooed. Gigi was first. When talking about what people were going to get, she had said she would be getting the number 207, to represent her Maine drag sisters. I thought that was awesome. 

E,on got the Deathly Hallows (from Harry Potter).

Ginger was excited, because this would be her first tattoo. She got a diamond, with the number 13.

Cherry got a two for one design. She combined a cherry and a lemon, to represent...well...herself.

Shaunna decided to get a key...on her butt cheek...and made sure everyone knew that it was the key to unlock her asshole. Little did she know that it actually unlocked the asshole in someone else. The guy who was supposed to do her key refused to tattoo her ass. So, she got a cool woman instead. The tattooer had to rip Shaunna's tights to do it. And, admitted afterward that it was two firsts for her that night...the first ass she ever tattoed, and the first drag queens she had ever tattooed.

And finally, I got a fox. The guy who refused to do Shaunna's ended up doing mine. And, I think he took out frustration on me during my linework...it hurt way more than the coloring did.

While the fox really doesn't have a drag related story...other than it was done with five queens in full drag...it does have a story, other than that it's cute and looks like something I would draw.

The fox is kind of a spirit animal of sorts...and the story of why is kinda morbid. I was picking a client up from work, and got behind another car. A fox ran out in front of the first car, and was hit and killed. But, before it died, it locked eyes with me. I've been drawn to foxes ever since.

By the time we were done, it was just about 4am. Which normally wouldn't be an issue...except we were doing the Zumba weekend starting at 9am. By the time we got home to go to sleep it was 5am. I still had to wash off my glitter beard and didn't get to sleep until almost 6. Only to be woken up 2 hours later, for a full day of running, taking pictures at the Zumba retreat.

But, it was so worth staying up all night. Because, I mean, really...who else can say, honestly, that they got tattooed with five drag queens on Friday the 13th? I'm willing to bet the number of people who can, is pretty small.

What Would You Say?

Recently, a friend of ours said to me, "I never know what to say, when I see your posts about what's going on with work and unemployment."  The truth is, I don't know either.

A few years ago, after the breakup with my ex, I decided that my social media accounts needed to have a happier vibe...because, quite honestly, I can now see, in hindsight, just how unhappy I was.  It lasted a while.  I started to post about the things I was discovering about myself.  I started taking chances on things that I normally wouldn't have done.  And, when Dan and I started to date, a lot of things started to change.

I was being encouraged to do things that I loved.  Drawing, taking pictures, writing. I have experienced a ton of firsts. My first professional drag show locally, my first drag show out of state, my first tattoos, and selling my first merchandise.  All, major milestones, for very different reasons.

During the time that I've been mostly unemployed, I've come to a couple of conclusions though.  My social media feeds have again begun to bring gloom and doom.  I'm angry, a lot.  And, I'm so over politics, that I can't even deal.  I've seriously begun to consider removing the facebook app from my phone, because I'm just over it.  For every positive post, that makes me laugh, there are 100 that make me want to punch something.

It's not just social media.  Although, that does play a big part in it.  I'm in a place of feeling like a failure in my life.  My job is a joke, and while I'm trying to find something better, I keep getting rejected.  I have far too much time to spend with myself, and that's when all the demons come out to play.

I've used time to do the art thing, and the graphic design stuff.  And, while I love doing it, even that's been getting on my nerves.  If I'm commissioned to do something for pay, I don't want to be yanked around, waiting to see if I'm going to get paid.  By the same token, if I'm doing something for you for free, like a show poster, I need information before I start...because I can make things up...but it's probably not going to be what you want...and putting me on ice, while you decide, is a good way to convince me that it's not worth taking my time for you.

That being said, my blog here, will continue, like it always does.  Sporadically.  Because sometimes I feel like saying something.  And sometimes I don't.  And, sometimes I do, but I know that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings if I say what's really on my mind...so I keep quiet.

My Instagram feed Stevedjr (the personal one) is going to have selfies, random crap, and art stuff.  The Dragged2Inside Instagram feed is going to continue the way it has been with collages from shows, show posters, and drag related artwork..

The facebook page for Dragged to the Inside is going to remain much like it is...with drag related or trans related or gay related stuff, pictures from as many shows as I can get to...basically what it's always been.  And, my personal page....well, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it.  I won't delete it, because I have too many contacts and too much time invested in it.  But, I may step away from it for a while.  Because, the last thing I want to do, while I'm feeling down, is to bring everyone else down with me.  I don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time.  

You're Sketchy...

I've been dealing with a lot of stuff while I've been practically laid off from work.  Mostly stuff in my head, like all the feelings that I don't want to really think about.  At the same time, I've been making some breakthroughs as well.

I've been dealing with an art block for a lot longer than I want to think about.  It hasn't been just a few days or weeks.  It's been years.  But, Shaunna Rai had asked me if I would draw up a cartoon logo for the "Shaunna Rai Brand," now that she has merchandise available.  So, I did.  I'd tried to draw this logo for a while, and could never get the idea in my head to translate to paper, and actually look at all like Shaunna.  So, I had written it off as my just being a crappy artist with no original ideas in my head. (You know, because that's what you do when you can't get something to work...isn't it?)

So, getting through the whole drawing, and having it be approved as actually looking right, I was excited.  My drawing was going to be on a t-shirt.  The expectation was that it would probably be only on one t-shirt, because, well, that's how things tend to go in my life.  So, when it went live, and there were a couple of orders for it, I was really excited.  People were wearing something that I drew.  And, I didn't have to pay them to do it, or talk them into it or anything.

As soon as I posted the final product for Shaunna's stuff, I got requests from other people to do drawings of them.  I'm going to have my artwork potentially given out in Boston for Pride for promotional material.  I'm in talks with a queen from Tampa to do a portrait for her.  I've got a couple of potentials in the works as well.

So, once I got Shaunna's line of merch going, I figured it was time to try again, to launch my own line of stuff.  I've got a shop through Teeblaster, and another through CafePress.  I'm looking for ways to branch out, and offer more than just t-shirts.  But, it's been exciting to be able to get my artwork seen by the internet world...even if my mom is the only one who's buying my line of work...The point is, I'm trying to do something new, in hopes that it will help me in the long run.  I just need to get a better grasp of how to market through social media.

But, the point is, that I've broken through my art block, and, I look forward to drawing again.

And, if you know of anyone who may be interested in having me do a portrait, for them, shoot me an email at Swd88880@yahoo.com.   

That's NOT DRAG!!!

I will admit that I am no scholar when it comes to the history of drag.  So, forgive me if I maybe make a mistake or two.  Drag has always been an art form.  In the days of Shakespeare, it was used as a way to portray women on stage, as men were the only ones allowed to be actors.  As time went on, drag went from being a theatrical thing, to just being a thing.  The makeup changed, and drag move toward a more "natural" look from the Victorian era, right through the early part of the 1900's.  Around the Mid 1900's, drag again changed.  The 70's, 80's and 90's introduced us to Club Kids, Avante Garde, and brought us RuPaul, and his eventual drag empire.

Drag has moved from being just a thing that people do, to something that makes people money.  And for some, it's good money.   Talk to someone who's booked a show with a RuPaul's Drag Race contestant about booking fees, and you'll see what I mean.  And, it's not just all about Drag Race.  There are competitions all over the world, for drag kings and queens.

The invention of the internet has been a blessing and a curse.  While you can now sit on Twitter during the airing of an episode, and talk with other fans, and also with the performers sometimes, it has also given everyone an open forum to be able to share every intimate feeling about any topic...including tearing down a person.

The drag community as a whole has two distinct sides to it, that I've observed.  You have the people who are in it, because they love it.  And, you have the people who feel like they're the best, better than everyone else, and have the ability and responsibility to determine what is drag and what is not.  This, unfortunately, is one of my pet peeves.

Club Kid drag is just as much drag as Beauty Pageant drag. Bearded drag queens are just as much drag as Fishy queens.  Poor queens have just as much right to call themselves a queen as someone who has thousands of dollars to spend on outfits.

I will admit, I don't like every drag performer that I come across.  I don't necessarily understand every look that I come across.  But, I don't have to.  I don't want every drag queen I come across to look like they stepped right out of a Playboy photoshoot.  But, I also don't want every queen to come out looking like a Pablo Picasso painting either.  Both are totally valid forms of drag.  As a photographer, I can appreciate that there are good points about both...in spite of the fact that I may not like either of them.

But, the truth of the matter is that tearing down a person over their choices when it comes to their drag, is not okay.  I've seen enough professional performers, to know the difference between someone who has been performing for a long time, and someone who literally started under a year ago.  There are very few new queens, who have everything perfect in such a little amount of time.  (It's not impossible, but it's not the norm, either.)  If you don't like something about someone's drag, don't spew hatred about it.  If you don't understand someone's drag, ask them about it.  "Why did you choose to do a gorgeous, fishy face and wear a beard? It's confusing to me."  Drag can be a deeply personal thing, and most of the performers I've met, can tell you, and will tell you, exactly why and how they came to the aesthetic that the have.

Drag at this point in time, is less about the total aesthetic, though, than it is about messing around with gender perceptions.  As I've said before, if I knew how to do makeup, I would consider doing drag with a beard.  Not because I want people to point at me and ask questions, but, because I don't want to have to shave, just for a face...unless I know that I'm doing it specifically for that reason.  (Although, there is a possibility that I may be losing the beard in the future, for a new project...if the project actually becomes "a thing.")  Drag is not categorized as just one thing.  Beauty is not the only way to do drag.  You don't have to be a dancer to be a good performer.  You don't have to be able to sing live.  You don't have to be able to do splits, or back hand springs, or bend over backward and walk your hands and feet toward each other until it looks like you're going to split your spine in half.  You just have to know what you're doing.

Once you know what you're doing as a performer, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  As long as you know that you're good enough, that's the important thing.  And, if anyone ever tells you that what you're doing isn't good enough, or even worse, tells you, "it's not drag," I give you full on permission to turn around, look at them, and say "Fuck You."  Especially, if the person trying to read you, isn't in drag themselves.  It takes a whole lot of balls to be a man and look like a woman.  (And vice versa.)

And, for my drag fans, who base all that they know of a performer based on RuPaul's Drag Race, I have one thing to say...Sashay, Away.  What you see on tv is 12-14 hours of real time action, being edited down into a 60-90 minute episode.  There is a storyline for each performer, based on the overall editing of the season.  There are roles to be filled by the performers.  While the ultimate challenge, is coming back from a "lip sync for your life," sometimes, you don't get a chance to show off your "performance" through that lip sync.  That doesn't mean that you're not a good performer.  It actually means, that the judges don't see anything severely lacking in your performance during the challenges.

Sometimes you can get away with relying on the body.  Sometimes you can get away with relying on "The Look."  If Michelle Visage, RuPaul, and the guest judges for the week aren't calling you out on something, there's no reason for others to do so.  As RuPaul said, "We're all born naked, and the rest is drag."  So, calling someone out and, saying, "That's NOT drag..."  Well, your argument is invalid.  And, you might need to check yourself, before you make a fool of yourself.

What's In Your Pants?

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When Doves Cry...

I must be getting old. Prior to the deaths of Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston, I don't really remember hearing about the deaths of celebrities, except at award shows and the year end recap on New Year's Eve.

Facebook, Twitter and the internet, in many ways changed that. Now information is doled out to the world in a matter of seconds. It's no small wonder that newspapers are facing extinction. Why would I buy a newspaper, when I can get all the same information online?

Driving home from dropping lunch off for Dan, Little Red Corvette was on the radio. It was odd, because it was like flashing back to childhood, when the songs were new. And, before they had a chance to come back on after the song was over, it hit me. This wasn't a request hour. This was them confirming what I already knew from the Internet. Prince is gone. This was more like a flashback to the day after Michael Jackson died, when every radio station brought him back on their playlist, after years of ignoring him...

2016 is going to go down in history as a brutal year for celebrities. Just a couple of months ago, we lost David Bowie. Today, the world lost Prince. (A ton more have passed, but, drag related blog, so music related post...)

Prince didn't speak to me, in the same way Bowie did. Bowie was different in every way. Whereas, Prince just was who he was. Bowie sang about life, while Prince was more sexual.

Prince always made me just a little uncomfortable. But, there was never any question that he was another music genius. Who didn't want a Little Red Corvette, to Party Like It's 1999 or for their partner to wear a Raspberry Beret (cause she didn't wear much more...) I don't remember Purple Rain. But, When Doves Cry, is the one song that regularly gets into my head, and I don't try to chase it out.

I find it so sad that at 57 years old, we have lost Prince. The music world will never be the same.

My only hope, is that with the loss of all the talent that we have lost in 2016, less than 6 months in, that the universe has something planned. That the reason for all this loss is the emergence of an amazing talent the likes of which we haven't seen in a long time.

...And, You Call Yourself Gay...

I get picked on a lot, for my lack of knowledge of Gay Pop Culture, when it comes to movies.  I have never seen Cats.  I have never seen A Chorus Line.  Until about a year ago I had never seen Victor/Victoria.

So, when I have the opportunity to be able to say that I've seen a movie, and not be the one who hasn't, it's always a good day for me.

Z went to get repairs on his car, and is without until Tuesday, at the earliest.  So, since he has to work tomorrow, and I'm currently not working, I went to pick him up, and brought him home with me, so he can get a ride to work in the morning.  We picked up Chinese from Lotus, and came home and watched movies.

We spent the weekend getting a new "surround sound" box hooked up to the tv in the living room. (It's amazing, and I'm very confused by it...it sounds the way my grandfather's tv used to, when I was little...and so I wonder if he had surround sound back in the 80's.)  And, in the process, we streamlined things, and did away with our DVD player and Wii.  Dan suggested that we watch some movies, that Z hadn't seen before.  So, our playlist was going to include Girls Will Be Girls, and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.  We ended up playing the videos through the laptop, which is hooked into the tv.

It's been a while since I've seen Girls Will Be Girls.  I forgot how smart and funny it is.  (And, totally didn't realize that Cam from Modern Family was in it.)  It's always fun to hear queens talk about the movies, when they do drag themselves, because, usually, there's clocking something wrong...In this case, it was clocking Varla Jean's lace front wig.  A bunch of discussion of how different they look out of drag.  Dan has met Varla Jean and Coco Peru, so he has insight into them that I only wish that I had.  The whole movie itself is so crazy and funny.  And, I honestly think that the character of Evie is brilliant.

Next on the list was Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.  (It's a brilliant movie, but a little serious and long for someone with ADD.)  While it was fun to watch, and see Z's reaction to the costumes and such, it was kind of a trip down memory lane for me.  Prior to Shaunna Rai.  Prior to even coming out.  When I was just barely an adult, my friend introduced me to it.  At the time, I thought it was funny, because I was still young enough to not understand all the implications of gender identity and sexuality.  Being on the verge of coming out, I found something I could relate to in the characters...and who doesn't love Australia? And, let's face it, for a horny, teenager, Felicia (out of drag) is really hot. (And, he kind of reminds me of Dan.)  Coming from an area of the state where it's not ok to be who you are, if you're different, in any way, it was nice to be able to see a place where it was okay for people to not only be themselves, but to be doing something that they loved.  Anyway, it took me back to a place where it was all new and fresh.  A place where the world had so much to offer, because it was all ripe for the taking.  A place, where cynicism hadn't yet started to set in.

What I've always loved about drag, is that in drag, you can be anyone you want to be.  And, it doesn't matter what you look like.  Let's face it, not all drag queens are pretty.  But, if they're enjoying what they're doing, they make it enjoyable (even if they're hard to look at.)

With the viewing content of the night, it reminded me of how all encompassing drag is.  It's not just about being pretty.  It's not just about walking around in a bra and panties.  Sometimes, you need the crazy queen who can make you believe that they have a glass eye, which has gotten stuck in their head, and if they smack themselves, they can make it move.  Sometimes you need the funny little hummingbird queen who will flit from person to person, doing a comedy schtick.  You need the pretty one.  You need the bawdy queen, who will say what's on everyone else's mind.  Because, drag is not just about what one person likes.  You can put on a drag show, but if everyone is a cardboard cut out of the person before them, you're going to lose your audience.

Case in point:  There was a show last weekend.  My parents attended, because it was "local" to them, and it's been a while since they've seen us.  My mom totally called my dad out on tipping etiquette.  "Remember to tip ALL the queens..." (There was more to the conversation, but I'll post that, when I write about that show.)

It's all about diversity.  You can like what you like.  And, you don't have to like what I like.  But, make sure that you're not disrespecting anyone.

Introducing: ???

A couple years ago, (has it really been that long?) I decided that I wanted to spotlight some queens on my blog.  It lasted for about 3 posts...because:
a) At the time, when I started it, I didn't know many queens.
b)I didn't want to bother people with interview questions, because, really, who am I?
c) I didn't really know what I was doing.

I've got three years of blogging under my belt now.  I have a little bit better idea of what I'm doing.  And, I know a ton of drag performers now. (Still not sure how many of them would be up for being spotlighted...) So, it might be time for me to bring this back to the blog.

I think the hardest part of the whole process of figuring out the interview questions, though, is going to be what to ask, that wouldn't be the "normal" questions.  Everyone wants to know about the first time that you did drag, and what that was like, so, there would be those kind of questions.  But, I'm more interested in some of the lesser known stuff.  Why do you do drag?  What keeps you doing drag?

My Maine queens (and kings) deserve representation and exposure (to the world...because I do have readers from around the world).  But, I want to show off some of the queens that I've spent time with, who I really enjoy watching them.  And, I want to get the names of some of Maine's new crop of performers out there.  There are a number of really good queens, who are very new to the scene, who could use a little bit of exposure, to build their fan bases.

So, if you're a queen and want to be featured, let me know.  Or, if you know a queen who would like to be featured, shoot me a message, and me know.  I would love to hear from any and all queens and kings.  Because, let's face it...drag is about exposure.  And, any exposure is good exposure...even if it is just from a silly little blog.

Speak, Boy, Speak!

Easter, according to Christian tradition is the day that Jesus rose from the grave, therefore it is a celebration or life and rebirth. In pagan tradition, it is a celebration of life and fertility. (The eggs equal fertility, and I can only assume that the reason why a giant rabbit is the symbol of the holiday, is because along with eating mass quantities of chocolate and jelly beans, we're all expected to screw like bunnies..?)

Easter has a different meaning for me though. Traditionally, for me, Easter has also been a time for rebirth. Or, more precisely, reinvention.

A number of years ago, having been struck with the plague (strep throat), while I house sat for my friends Jim and Nelson, I spent my first Easter alone. Completely alone. Having quarantined myself, I was single (at the time, for the first time since I was 19) and i was lonely. So, I did what any sane person would do, and went on Facebook to troll through all the pictures of people who were happily celebrating with their family or friends. (Brilliant, right? )

Anyway, it was during that time, that I realized that where I was at in my life wasn't healthy for me, and I needed to make a change. I made a plan...or at least a timeline for a plan, and then hoped like hell that everything would work out. Three months later I moved to South Portland, and my life changed in so many ways that I can't even begin to understand.

Since the move, I have had good times and bad. Times when I've wanted to move back to my parents' house. Times when I've just been over everything. And, times when I can't imagine how my life could be any better.

During one of these bad days, I wrote on my Facebook page about how much things have been sucking lately and how depressed I've been. I openly discussed anger with friends who have died due to suicide, and the fact that I understood why they would feel that that was their only way out. (A number of people assumed it was a suicide note.)*  

I thought nothing of it. I figured it was 3 am when I posted it, so nobody would see it, and then it would blow over. I would've gotten it off my chest, and that would be the end of it. I didn't expect what happened next.

I had a number of people thank me for my openness and honesty in what I had written. I had people private message me, to talk about their own depression. And, I still have people coming to me asking me if things are going any better for me. In fact, I had moved beyond it, and at one of the shows this weekend, I had the mother of one of the queens come up to me and ask me about how I was doing.  It was a little odd for me, because I didn't expect it.  

Because it has been a busy weekend, and I ended up having to do a lot of driving, some of it, on my own, I had a lot of time to think.  And, I came to a conclusion.  I come off as being totally aloof, and almost like I'm better than everyone else.  It's totally not intentional.  It's because I don't really talk.  I listen.  I plan.  And, only after I've figured out how to make a conversation so that nothing I say can be twisted, then I will respond.  It's part of my anxiety about people liking me.  And, it makes things really awkward when I'm out with other people.

So, while it's a baby step, I'm going to try to work with the momentum of the depression post, and try to be a little more responsive to people.  More than likely, it's going to take place via Facebook before it happens in person.  (Baby steps.)  But, I need to break myself out of the self-imposed prison of my thoughts.  I can be funny, and I can be insightful.  People respond well to my writing.  And, the one thing that people always tell Dan/Shaunna Rai about me, is that they wish that I would speak up and have an opinion.  (I do have an opinion, I just don't always feel like everyone needs to know it.)  

So, given the fact that I choose not to make a New Year's resolution, because I always fail at them, I want to try to make my Easter reinvention happen again. So, if I randomly talk to you, please realize, that I'm trying to put myself out of my comfort zone, and that it's taking a lot of courage for me to do so.

*This is the original Facebook post, I refer to...in case you wanted a reference point.

So, March is turning out to be a pretty shitty month for me. I'd signed up for a whole month worth of shifts, only for them to be cancelled with no notice. Then, on top of that, Expert is unable to get me shifts. So, I'm not getting hours. So, I'm not getting paid. Which, in itself, is unacceptable. I feel like there's a noose tightening around my throat, the closer we get to rent being due again. As it is, I'm not going to be able to pay the cable or electric, or my car payments. I'm lucky that I was able to pay my car insurance. And, I'll be lucky, if I can get hours to be able to pay my rent.

Over the years, a number of people I've known have taken the only route that they saw to get out of this kind of situation. They've taken their own lives. For a long time, I've been angry at them. All of them. Missy, John, Leroy and Chase. It never made any sense to me why. They didn't have bad lives. They had things to live for. But, they chose to stop. And, everyone else had to deal with the fallout.

I never understood...in spite of my own history of depression and suicidal feelings. I've never been able to go through with it, because I'm an eternal optimist, and, in my world, everything will get better, eventually. It's just a shitty time at the moment. But, it clicked today. I hit the point, this afternoon, when I realized, it's not up to me to decide whether they were right or wrong to do what they ultimately did. I'm choosing to let the anger go. I understand the feeling that the walls are closing in around you, with no signs of a doorway to go through, to make it all better. I understand feeling trapped, and like nobody else in the world cares about what happens to you. I understand the thought process behind cutting short a life with so much promise. And, it's scary as fuck.

All that being said, I just need to vent, and get down the thoughts that have been in my head all afternoon. I'm having a rough time. The struggle is excruciating. I'm at the point of wanting to give up. But, I know that it's all temporary. The pendulum will swing the other way, and things will go back to normal. I just need to have patience. I'm applying for jobs. I'm trying to get myself out there. I'm trying to get to the point of making a profit (however small), off my photography. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. And, I know, that for so many of the feelings I'm feeling, I'm the only one who can change them. I need to take matters into my own hands, and assert myself. No more letting people tell me what's best for me. If things aren't working, it's time to change them. Like Aida said in "Enchantment Passing Through,"

"If you don't like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you. So don't expect any pity or understanding from this humble palace slave!"

Mostly, I'm putting this out there, to work through some dark feelings, and try to get out of the darkness that I've been feeling. While I can empathize with the feelings of wanting to end it, I have no intention of doing so. But, it was necessary to work through because my mind went there today. I will do no harm to myself or others. I just ask for a little bit of kindness and a lot bit of luck over the next few weeks/months. I may be looking at a potential career change in July, if things work out right. So, I'm just keeping my options open, and hoping for something to work out in my favor.

And, just as a PSA (I'm in no way involved with the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, but wanted to link to them, just in case anyone needs them.):
No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

Why DON'T You Do Drag? or I Just Want to be Pretty

Me, with no makeup, no padding, and gym sock boobies.

Back in February, during the Open Hearts/Broken Hearts show, Chris, the director of the show, asked me why I don't do drag.  He was surprised when I told him that I had done it before, and then again asked me why I don't. 

At the time, I had a stock answer.  I'd been growing my beard since November.  Doing drag would mean shaving it off, and then I'd have to go through the 3 1/2 weeks of itching and wanting to tear my face off.  So, there was no way that I would put myself through all that, just for a show that might last a couple of hours.

I guess it was an acceptable excuse, since he didn't pursue it any further.

But, Chris isn't the first person to have asked me why I don't do drag, and most likely won't be the last.  Cherry Lemonade asked me about it, the same night, and almost died when I showed her pictures. 

"Well, why not," she asked.  "Well, you know, the beard, and everything.  And, I don't really perform.  I can sing, but I sing for myself.  I can't dance...(I'm so white that I dance with my shoulders, and that's about it.)

Mathu Anderson, the face behind RuPaul's face.

It's all been excuses though.  The truth is, Drag is a ton of work. While I may be able to lip sync with the likes of Jujubee, because I know the songs, I know nothing of makeup, and padding, and building a body.  (Plus, Dan had said at the beginning of our relationship that if I ever decided to become a drag queen, our relationship would have to turn to a friendship, because he doesn't date other drag queens.)  I'm lazy enough that I don't want to have to go through all the work of getting all dolled up for something.  Or, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

The last couple of weeks for me have been a mess.  My job as a temp agency person has been less than helpful in getting me hours.  And, so I've been spending a lot of time at home, thinking. People always tell you to do what makes you happy.  The last couple of months, I've been more or less miserable at work.   A job that I used to enjoy now leaves me longing for something more. It's time to make a move...it's just a matter of figuring out what that move is.

Having dealt with depression for most of my life, I can tell that part of my problem, is that my depression is back, and not under control.  (In part, I assume, due to the stress of never knowing if I'm going to have any hours, thus never knowing if I'm going to have money for bills.) And, I've been trying to release some anger toward people who have moved on to the next life, of their own volition.  It's an anger that I didn't even know was there, until a few days ago.  And, so of course, the resulting facebook post, on my personal page, came off like a suicide note, and I got a ton of messages from it, making it feel like I had done something bad, by writing it.  When, in fact, it was done to release feelings, and not as an actual, "I'm fishing for likes and comments," post.  But, over the past week or so, I've been dealing with the idea of mortality.  And, the finality of death. 

So, why am I telling you all this?  Because, well, I'm still trying to process some things on my own.  And, writing about it usually helps.  And, because, it ties in, eventually, if you stay with me. 

Drag, has given me a voice, both as a writer, and as a photographer.  This blog, is my way of discussing drag.  And, the shows that I attend, give me both something to photograph, and something to write about.  Cherry Lemonade told me last summer, (a sentiment that Shaunna Rai has repeated since) that I fill a niche, and my blog is important to the performers themselves.  (At least sometimes...I've had a few get pissed off at me because when I've written about performances, they didn't get much coverage, because they didn't really stand out all that much.) I give the performers a view of what they did, that they don't normally get...because people tend to be like, "OMG, You're SOOOO Awesome.  You're my FAVE drag queen, ever." And, I'm real about it.  If you were good, I'll let everyone know how good.  If you're bad, I'm going to skim over the bad parts, because my goal is to tell what I see, NOT to hurt anyone's feelings.

Bearded Ladies can be Beautiful too!

Of course, living with Shaunna Rai, I have full access to outfits, makeup and hair, any time that I want.  But, I haven't taken advantage of it, ever, with the exception of Halloween, because I don't want to be a pain in the ass.  That being said, I've often wondered what I would actually look like, if I went full on drag queen...And,in spite of RuPaul's Drag Race's bearded lady challenge last season, I haven't really been keen on bearded drag.  Just, because I hadn't really seen much of it that really impressed me much.

Last night, I may have become enamored of the look of a (new to me) bearded queen.  Hellvetika, along with Mathu Anderson changed my mind about bearded drag.  Of course, there are good makeup artists, and there are not so good ones.  The two of them, though, are top of the line, in my book.  I'm not saying that I'm planning on being dragged out of the closet, as a bearded queen any time soon.  God knows, I can't afford it right now, on my will I work this week budget. But, it's not totally ruled out anymore.  At least not as long as I can manage to get away with looking ok, and not looking like a pot-bellied bald guy in a sausage casing dress.

So, no promises, but, if you see a bearded lady with a camera, lip syncing with the rest of the queens, it could be me...Maybe...

I just wanna be pretty.