What are YOU Looking At?

Pretty close to a year ago, I posted about what it's like for me when Dan goes shopping for Shaunna Rai. How people stare or glare at him/us for looking around in the women's clothing.  At the time, I thought it was super uncomfortable, for me to do the shopping with him.

The uncomfortable feeling has gone away, mostly. The anger toward people who make no bones about letting me know that they're staring at us, though... This is a new thing for me.  Anger is a feeling that I avoid at all possible costs.  It's a very uncomfortable feeling for me.  (And, partly the reason that I earned the nickname, Stephanie Dickless, in junior high...because I wouldn't get angry and fight back).

So, why has a feeling of discomfort morphed into a less comfortable feeling of anger?

I think part of it is, after 33 years of doing nothing, when it comes to fighting, I'm over being the pushover. I want someone to say something to me, so that I can just lose my cool, and essentially, freak out on them. And, part of it is, people know what's right or wrong.  I don't glare at old ladies, when they're picking up sweaters covered in felt snowmen, or overwhelmed with sequins and beading, because I know that's wrong.  I also know, that they're going to look like the old ladies that they are, when they wear them, because that's just how things go.

After taking a trip to Marden's in Biddeford, and having no less than 4 different people staring at us, as Dan was meandering through the shoes, and tops in the ladies' section, I mentioned the staring.  Dan, after 20 years of doing this, is completely oblivious to it, unless something is specifically said to him, or within earshot.  A year in, and I'm still in the "they're staring at me" mode, although, they're probably not really staring at ME.  He told me about how, one of his exes used to follow behind, when Dan and his other drag friends would go shopping, because the ex was super sensitive to the other shoppers, and wanted to be there, to stop anything, if it started.  And, I get it.  When I thought about it, on the drive home from Biddeford, I was kind of like, you know, part of me wants to have someone say something to me, because, for the first time in my life, "I WILL finish it."

That probably says a lot more about me, than I care to think about.

But, hey, a lady-boy needs to have some clothes too.  And, if shopping in a public place is how she wants to get those clothes, who has the right, to say that it's wrong? I don't tell you where you can shop, so don't tell us where Shaunna Rai should get her clothes.  And if you do, lord help you, because I may just go psycho on your ass.

Outside my Comfort Zone

"I'd wear that (blue gown with a fade to silver and rhinestones)" is not the way I expected to start a conversation about Drag clothes shopping. Especially, given that I've said before that drag clothing shopping makes me a little uncomfortable.

In the past few months, I think I've spent equal amounts of time looking at women's clothing, and men's.  And, the more time that I spend with Dan, shopping for Shaunna Rai, the less weird it seems to me.

I spent yesterday with Dan and Ryan shopping for Shaunna Rai and Vanila Honey-Bush. It was a fun day, because,  it's always fun with the two of them. Seeing the "sibling-like" relationship they have was interesting.

They've got similar taste in clothes,  with some exceptions.  Shaunna Rai tends to go for off the shoulder outfits. And Vanila was looking for sleeves.

Going in to Deb, I was nervous,  because,  here we were, three guys, going into a store that is definitely a women's clothing store, and a gaggle of teenage boys walked past as we went in. The clerks asked if we were finding everything ok. (I always wonder what they must be thinking as they ask.)

At Forever XXI (21), the girls found matching outfits. And, I felt slightly less self conscious, as there were a lot of guys in there. Granted,  it was because they were there with their girlfriends. But, I didn't feel as much like people were staring at me.

At H&M, it was much more interesting.  As we did our own shopping,  it was pointed out that there was another drag queen shopping there. That explained the man looking at clothes in the women's section...

By the time we got to Torrid, I was getting tired of the drag shopping. And the (biological) women were less friendly.  They gave us dirty looks. They were thoughtful enough to keep their mouths shut,  but, by the time we left there, I was done with it.

Unfortunately, for me, Dan and Ryan still had more shopping to do. And, because I was less interested in the shopping,  I was more interested in people's reactions to us being in the women's clothes. There were dirty looks, and some blatant "we're avoiding this area, because you're here" behavior. 

I was very glad when it was time to go home. Partly because I was ready, and partly due to feeling sick to my stomach. 

Oddly enough, after a full day of it yesterday,  I went again with Dan, this morning. And, I found the importance of final clearance. Shaunna Rai got a jacket for 70 cents.

Anyway, back to my original thought, that it was funny that when I go shopping for Shaunna Rai, I look at things, and think,  "I'd wear that. (If I did drag.) I told Dan that one day, thinking he would give me a hard time. When he told me that he thought that a lot of guys do that, it made me feel less weird about being there, in the first place.

I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. It's a work in progress, for me, to be entirely comfortable with all of this.  But, I'm seeing progress.