A Case of Serendipity

Amber
Photo by: Lauren Kennedy

It's not often that I can say that I made something happen. Or, that I can say I was  in the right place, at the right time. But, just this once, it was a case of both.

As I'm sure you're aware, if you read the blog on a regular basis, I'm addicted to Facebook. I check it when I wake up, I check it before I go to sleep. And, I'm on it for hours, during the day...and more on days off from work.

It was one of these days off, before Christmas, that I made a serendipitous discovery on Facebook. I belong to a group called Queer Exchange Maine, where the LGBTQIA community posts things for sale or that they are in search of, similar to Craigslist, only "gayer." On this particular day, a mother had posted asking if anyone knew of any "LGBT friendly" photographers in the Portland area, who would help her daughter start a modeling portfolio. Immediately, I thought of Lauren Kennedy and Jason Poulin, both, who have done portraits of Shaunna Rai, and both, whom I look up to artistically. So I put the names out there.

Right off the camera, with no touching up
Amber looked amazing.  Photo by Jen Morrow
of the photo by Lauren Kennedy.

Shortly afterward, there was a question about hair stylists and makeup artists. Obviously, I needed to make sure that Dan's (Shaunna Rai) name was thrown in the mix. Dan has done makeup for brides, as well as his own for drag, and helping create Jacinda. And, it was a situation where we had recently discussed that he wants to be a Real Housewives makeup artist. So, I wanted him to get this, mote than anything. Put his name in the running,  and hoped and waited.

Sure enough, that night, he told me that he was being booked with Lauren to do the photo shoot. I ended up designing a gift certificate for him to send to the mother, so that Amber would have it for a Christmas gift.

It wasn't until shortly after that, that I realized how big a deal this shoot was going to be. It wasn't until Dan and Amber started discussing looks for the shoot, that it dawned on me that Amber is trans. (I feel like the mom, Jen, said it initially in the post, but, I overlooked that fact, because it was unimportant to me.)

Initially, I had planned to drop Dan off at Lauren's and leave. I didn't want to make anybody uncomfortable, since I had really had no contact with Jen or Amber. And, I didn't want to be the weird quiet guy in the corner making everything uncomfortable. (I still feel like I was, but Lauren's mom (Kellie) and Jen helped draw me out of my shell a bit.)

I realize at this point, you're probably thinking, "Jesus, Steve, you're making this all about you."  And, to a certain degree, you would be right.  Because, in a small way, I made this happen.  And, I feel that I have the right to claim my stake in all of this.  It's not selfishness, it's just a backstory, so that you can understand how this all came to be.

Lauren shooting Amber through a ring light.
Photo by Kellie Smith.

When Jen and Amber arrived, I introduced myself, as the guy who made it happen.  Lauren, who I met last year, and haven't seen in forever, said a quick hi to me, and complimented me on my improvements in photography (quite frankly, I forget sometimes that people actually pay attention to what I post on Facebook.)  And, then, it became all about Amber.  As, rightfully, it should be.

Without going into a ton of detail, because I want to be respectful of Amber's life, and privacy, I want to bring attention to a few things.  Amber began transitioning at 16 (I think that's what Jen said).  She has had a very rough transition, and at one point, almost stopped.  She was bullied, and was even harassed by the police.  She never even had Senior pictures done.  So, Jen wanted to do something amazing for Amber, and give her a chance to be beautiful.  This was an opportunity for Amber to be in a safe space, and be herself, and be pretty.  (Honestly, she didn't need the makeup and hair styling for that, because she really is a beautiful person without it.)  Jen explained to us, while Amber was smoking, how difficult it was for her (Amber) to even leave the house to come to the photo shoot, because Dan had asked her to not wear makeup before coming to the shoot.  I hadn't even thought about what that would be like for her.  But, as I'm coming to understand, for some trans women, the makeup is the war paint that makes it bearable to face the world and all the horrible stuff that it throws at you.

Amber's Hypodermic Sally look
Photo by: Lauren Kennedy

Dan got Amber into the chair, and started working his magic.  I watched, and kind of got pulled into the process.  Although, I was watching from the back, so couldn't see any of what he was actually doing to her face.  He finally announced that he was almost done.  He just had to put on the lips, and everyone wanted to see what he was doing.  When Jen saw what Dan had done with makeup, she teared up.  Taking Amber's already present beauty, and magnifying it, was too much to contain the emotion.  

That was when we heard that Amber had never had senior pictures taken.  That was when Jen started talking about a support group that she is a part of for parents of trans kids, online.  It was when she started to really open up about how Amber wasn't the only one who had transitioned, and that the entire family had transitioned along with her.  Jen talked about how, with the visibility brought about by Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner, via reality tv shows, there was nothing on tv, showing the middle ground... No television shows show the transition of a 20-something, in a mostly unaccepting state.  No shows have actually shown that it takes time to go through the transition...because Caitlyn just decided and within a year, Bruce had become Caitlyn.  No shows have shown the struggle of a trans youth trying to get a job, and being turned down, because their physical identity didn't match that of their state ID.  Nothing has shown the middle class family who wiped out their entire retirement savings to help their daughter transition, so that she could be comfortable in her own skin.

That, above all else, was what this shoot was about.  This shoot was to make Amber feel comfortable with her body, her look, and make her realize that she is beautiful, inside and out.  

After Dan was finished, fixing lashes, putting on lip tar, and a couple of last minute touch ups, Dan, Lauren and Amber went into the garage. I stayed in with the moms. Lauren's mom was trying to get me to eat, like every parent does. I felt bad explaining why I was avoiding most of the food, because of thr gluten. And, then she pulled some amazing bread balls out of the oven and I proceeded to eat almost half of the pan by myself. Jen, Amber's mom, talked to us about how when Amber transitioned, it was not only her transition, but that of the whole family. She talked about the work that she tries to do in educating people about transgender people. She talked about how companies don't allow a person to transition on their health care plans, and how work is being done to make it so that eventually,  or will be covered.

When they came back inside, Lauren showed off the first round of pictures to Jen. The pride and love in her face I will never forget. After an outfit change, Lauren started taking some pictures inside. She did very little direction, because it was almost as if Amber had been modeling for ages, and instinctively knew what to do. 

Amber went out for another cigarette, and Lauren took some pictures of her on the deck, smoking. Watching Amber move, I was struck by just how graceful she is. Her look, mannerisms and movement very much brought to mind Eddie Redmayne's portrayal of Lili Elbe.   A fact that was not lost on Dan, as he actually mentioned it to me and Amber.

They came back inside to take more pictures, and the photographer in me saw a different angle of what Lauren was seeing. I almost wished that I had brought my camera along. Because if the positioning of the lighting, I had a hard time seeing what Lauren was taking for pictures. (I was behind the box light, so it blocked everything out.) So, I noticed that I could see a reflection in the microwave. I kept looking at the microwave,  to the point that Lauren's mom asked me if I needed to heat something...until I explained to her why I was actually looking at it. 

It was amazing watching Dan and Lauren work together too. They were totally on the same wavelength. Lauren would start to say, "Can you fix..." And Dan would fix it, without Lauren finishing the thought. That is, if she even got the chance to say something.

Amber
Photo by: Lauren Kennedy

In what seemed like no time, the shoot was wrapping up. It was hard to believe that it had been 5 hours-ish. I ended up adding Lauren's mom Kellie and Jen on Facebook. (I added Amber after the fact, because I still felt a little like I was just the weird guy in the corner.)

I was super excited when Lauren finally posted a couple of the photos from the shoot. I was bummed to see that one of the ones I adored wasn't part of the released pictures. I had seen on the camera a profile picture of Amber blowing smoke, from the garage pictures. (But, Lauren is amazing and definitely knows what she's doing. So, it might just not have been up to her standards.)

I won't forget the shoot, and I was so glad that I didn't end up leaving. I learned so much about what it's like for a family to transition along with the trans person. I had a ton of respect for Jen and her husband, for the amount of love that they have for Amber. 

I would love to get more involved in groups like Jen is, both to educate myself and others on trans issues, even if they don't directly effect me. I never want to see anyone feel like they shouldn't belong, because society can't or won't see how beautiful and special they are. Everyone has a story, and these stories need to be told. Not everyone is a TLC or E! reality TV star, but that doesn't make their voices any less valid. 

I think, because of the nature of the shoot, it was important for everyone there, although for vastly different reasons. And the most important reason, was Amber, herself. I hope she felt as beautiful as she is. And, I hope she sees the beauty that the rest of us saw, in herself.

I Still Get Jealous...

Shauna Rai, photo by Lauren Kennedy

It's no secret that at times, I am totally jealous of Shaunna Rai. Today (Sunday) gave me yet another reason to be jealous.
Today was a photo shoot with a local photographer, Lauren Kennedy.

Dan got up early, to get Shaunna together, for a 10:30 am appointment. I slept in, if you can consider sleeping until 8:30 am sleeping in. By the time I got up, Shaunna was already taking shape.

We got to the location for the shoot, Lauren's mother's house, before Lauren. She'd gone to get coffee.  She was back minutes after we got there, but, not before I was convinced that I was at the wrong house.

Lauren showed us in, and let us know kind of what to expect from the shoot. She had some questions for Shaunna about drag, that came out, throughout the shoot. 

Shaunna Rai,
photo by Lauren Kennedy

The first question was about pronouns, a topic that I feel like I'm relatively well versed in. I was glad I didn't try to answer for Shaunna, though, when she gave her answer. "Some people want you to use the pronoun that fits how they look. I, personally don't care either way. If you call me Dan when I'm Shaunna, I'll look. Just like if you call me Shaunna when I'm Dan, I'll look. To me it doesn't really make a difference, they're both me."  She then talked about how there are some queens, such as Mizery, who she has known for decades, but has no idea what Mizery's actual name is.

While Shaunna got into the first outfit, I talked with Lauren about whether it would be okay for me to take pictures of her taking pictures, for the blog. She said that would be fine, and encouraged me to get up and take pictures while she took hers.

"If you could turn this way..."

The first round of shots were to get the lighting right. As everything was being shot with a digital camera, I took adadvantage of being able to see the pictures as they were taken.  Once these shots were taken, she went to town. I thought that I took a lot of pictures,  as my average per show is about 100-150 useable shots...I'm sure that the total was well over twice that of shots in general.  Between having the vision and the speed with which the camera recovered from the flash, I was super jealous.


Lauren asked Shaunna about Drag Mothers. What are they,  exactly,  and are you one? Shaunna is drag mother to Jacinda, although,  she tries to avoid saying that she's anyone's drag mother. She would much prefer to be referred to as their "fairy drag mother," as Bunny Wonderland once called her.

Red Ribbon Gown, 
photo by Lauren Kennedy

For a little bit,  I got to play Shaunna's personal assistant...helping with costume changes, getting jewelry ready for this shot or that, and a couple times, I jumped to keep the lights from falling on someone. Oh, and a couple times, I ran to shoo Lauren's cats out of Shaunna's suitcase.

As Lauren posed Shaunna,  I often was looking at the pose from a much different angle, and had no idea how the picture was going to look good.  "Put your hand like this, but away from your face." What I saw made no sense, but apparently, translated much better from where she was standing.

"Just like that."

During another costume change, Lauren asked me about what I do...aside from writing the blog.  I explained about being a DSP and working in a group home.  And, lo and behold, she had actually done DSP work, as an ovenight staff.  I often forget how many agencies there are that provide long term and/or short term care for people.  And, it's always nice to be able to talk about my job, when I'm talking to someone who has actually done the work before, because they can understand some of the frustrations that other people may not.

Shaunna came back out, in the last outfit, and after what seemed like a million pictures,  the shoot was over. I was a little sad, because there were so many outfits that Shaunna had brought along, that never got used.  I jokingly said later, that Lauren just wanted to shoot Shaunna naked.

One of my shots of Shaunna Rai

Lauren who had been using her laptop to bring up a Pinterest board with pictures that she was using for inspiration for the shoot, took the memory card, and started uploading the images into her laptop, asking Shaunna to go through and mark the pictures that she liked.  Even the pictures that were just the pre-shoot test shots were amazing.

Lauren asked about if there were any photographers who only took pictures of queens.  Shaunna mentioned a couple of names of photographers (that I don't remember).  Really, the only name that came to mind for me was Jose Guzman Colon, who has shot a few of the RuPaul girls's pictures, that tend to be used mostly for promotional materials.  Lauren then talked about wanting to do some more shoots, with other drag queens, and maybe doing some group shots, and that sort of thing.  Shaunna was totally interested in doing something like that, and made sure to say so.

And, now, I'm jealous.  I want to have a photo shoot of my own.  Not that I expect much from it.  I'm far less photogenic than Shaunna is.  And, like everything else in my life, when I'm in front of the camera, I'm awkward.  I smile like a Cheshire cat, and look like a goofball.  But, I still wouldn't mind having some pictures of myself so that I could pretend for a few days that I'm famous enough for someone to want to take my pictures.