Take a Break

The last year of my life has been challenging, to say the least. From being asked to leave a job, to being hired at two other jobs, that never delivered on the hours that they promised, I'm a little disenchanted with things. Then, with the addition of a breakup, which was very public (though on very good terms). And finally, with all the drama that comes with the drag community, I am tired. And, I need to take a step back from everything and re-center myself.

Any of these on their own would be enough to cause some to throw their hands up in defeat. But, I'm a glutton for punishment, and let it build and build and build. And, NOW, I'm throwing my hands up.

Over the last 5 years, I have voluntarily taken pictures at shows. I get no compensation for doing so. And, I generally will take 2-6k pictures over the course of a show. I then find the best ones, edit them and post them. It was initially for me. And, partially, for people who weren't able to attend. And it all takes time. And, sometimes I just am not in the mood to deal with pictures. The random, "when will the pictures be up," sometimes makes me want to say, "Never." I don't think I have actually sat through a show in 5 years, to watch it, in person. It has always been through a camera lens...

I went to art school, right out of high school, because I was going to animate for Disney. Life happened, and I never achieved that. For a long time, I avoided art in general. Then, I was asked to do a show poster. It gave me a chance to put my creativity to use. And, that was great. When I have all the info and photos and such that I'll need, it takes no time. And, again, I don't really get any compensation. That's my own fault...although recently, I have started negotiating for the work that I do. But, there comes although time when as a graphic design, you want to tell the client to go to hell, when the poster has to be changed a million times. And, when an outside person or group won't share the poster because of wording...well, it means another edit. My average number of edits on a poster, generally ranges from 5 to 8, because of last minute drop outs or additions. My advice...if you're not sure about the line up, do yourself and me a favor... instead of listing everyone, say "And Special Guests."

While I was working very little this spring, I started doing caricatures of queens. It was a way for me to bring in a little extra cash. It was something that I enjoyed. That is, until my opinion became a death stroke for a commission. The worst part, was that the beheading of the project came just a short while after a conversation with the queen about starting over, because it wasn't conveying her "look". The project was killed by her manager, who disagreed with what I said, and told me that he (the manager) was killing it, because he didn't want to be reminded of a horrible day, with her merchandising. That left a bad taste in my mouth, and I really have avoided taking new commissions since.

And then, of course, there is the blog itself. I haven't posted since the breakup, because I'm still not sure how I feel. So, it has been easier to not say anything about anything, than to address what I want to address.

It feels like this is a good time to take a break. There are shows tonight and tomorrow, that I'm committed to. But, after that, I'm free to do what I want. Shaunna Rai now has a vehicle, so no longer has to rely on me taking her to shows.

So, I am going to take some me time. I'll only take on projects that I really want to do. And, maybe, after the show tomorrow, I'll go to a show, and watch it like a normal person.

Art Walk LA

At the end of the night at the Cancer Schmancer show, I was approached about submitting artwork to the Lewiston/Auburn Art Walk. It was totally out of the blue, and unexpected. But, Grayling asked me specifically to participate,  and show off my photography work.

Scarrlett 

Because most any kind of exposure is good exposure, I figured that I would try it. It would do one of two things...it would make me feel better about being an artist, or it would make me decide never to do it again. The whole time, my mind went back and forth about the ultimate outcome.

Deadlines flew at me, and at the last minute, it was a scramble to narrow down my thousands upon thousands of pictures to just 15.

Wanting to do things right, I did a mass tag of Facebook friends who I have photographed in the past in hopes that a few of them would say yes. The response was overwhelmingly yes, with a few, "yes, but let me see it first. I just want to approve of it."

Jacinda

Once I got all the approvals, I saved all the pictures to my desktop to save to a memory card, to take to be printed. In the meantime, I had Dan go to Goodwill to pick me up frames...which he did with little to no knowledge of what I was using for pictures. The night before delivery, I literally was finishing putting the pictures in the frames, hoping that it was all going to work out ok. 

Porcia Chanel

The night of delivery, almost didn't happen. Dan and Larry (Shaunna Rai and Leanna Love) had taken a trip to Boston in Dan's new (used) car. As I was getting ready to take the pictures to the venue, at 46 Lisbon Street, I got a call from Dan. "Hey, I know you have to drop off your pictures,  but we need to get a tow, and a ride home, we're broken down outside of the Massachusetts and New Hampshire border, by the bridge that they're fixing that I always mess with you about."

So while waiting for a message to see if I could get in to drop the pictures off earlier,  I made phone calls, and got the tow on the way. I dropped off the pictures, and made a flying trip to Massachusetts...it all turned out ok, except for the car, which was kind of a lemon.

Rainbow Frite

After much freaking out, because I had submitted 14 photos, and only delivered 13, because I had forgotten to save the final one on the laptop, I ended up with it in hand for the night of the walk.

I didn't know what to expect from the space, as it was an abandoned looking shop front, which, incidentally,  happened to be where my mom purchased her wedding gown. (Talk about a small world, right?) I waited outside for the doors to open, after grabbing the clipboard and lanyard, that said I was an official volunteer for the night.

Shaunna Rai

Finally the space opened, we got my final piece situated and food and drink set out, and people started arriving. Our venue had boxed wine, and I knew that if I was going to make this better for myself, I at least needed one glass of wine, to keep from being the guy standing in the corner trying to be as small as possible so nobody would talk to me.

The wine worked.  I was sharing the space with another photographer, who does landscape type photography and what she called her "twirl" photos (when you focus the camera on something and then twist it, making it look like you were rolling when you took the picture.  She had also come out to volunteer. The other lady, who was showing, did not come out, but had three paintings on display.

Leanna Love

The first few people who came through, just looked around, like they were in an art gallery, then left. Ivy, the other photographer and I, started talking about our work to each other. I was surprised that none of her stuff was for sale, because it was really good. She told me that her goal was to let people see what they could do themselves, with Goodwill frames and a point and shoot camera. That was why she wasn't going to sell them. Well, that along with the feeling that art is a very personal thing, and sometimes it's hard to part with.

Cecelia Grace

She asked me, and I was asked many times through the night, how I got into the field of portraiture. I did a bunch of plugging for the blog, which as of now, appears to not have done any good...(Probably because, with everything I remembered,  the business cards were what I forgot.) I went on to explain that the pictures had chosen had been my favorites out of a ton of choices over the last four years or so.

Miss E,on

People finally started asking me questions, or just talking to me. One gentleman, an older guy, I had to correct his terminology, and explain the difference between drag, cross dressing and transgender. This was a very long conversation. He had heard a story on NPR, about a drag queen, who became addicted to her drag personal so much, that she basically had to kill her drag career, to keep her real life. (It seemed far fetched to me, but, what do I know. Stranger things have happened.) We then moved on to trans women. He told me the story of a professor at Bowdoin College (I think) who had written a book about her transition, and this gentleman thought that the whole thing was amazing. I thought it was cool that he told me the story.  He eventually moved on, and left.

Lili Whiteass

A bear couple (for anyone not in the know, a burly, gay couple, presumably with a lot of body hair, and usually facial hair) came up and told me how great the pictures were, and asked where they could see a show, without having to drive all the way to Portland. They explained that they had moved from down in the south (Baltimore, I think), where they could go to a show anytime they wanted. I explained that the drag scene in Maine is dwindling, but promoted an upcoming show at the Elks Club in Lewiston. I'm hoping to see them there.

Diamond Dunhill

There were a lot of people who legit thought that all the pictures were of real women. There were a few who, upon realizing that the pictures they were looking at were male, turned and booked it out of the venue. And, an overwhelming amount of people who either knew the queens or had actually been to the shows. These were the ones I enjoyed talking to the most. These were the people asking how did you get such good pictures, and where can I see them in person? I took that time to plug upcoming shows, and lament the lack of shows in the area. This was when I realized that I want to do something about the lack of drag in Maine. (Not that I know what to do, where to start, or how to make something happen, but it gave me a starting point. )

Cherry Lemonade

As the night wore down, and came to a close, I stopped for a minute to think about all the stuff I had accomplished. First, I had a showing of my work, for the first time ever. Second, I did all of it on my own. Third, I talked about what I do with total strangers, and didn't get much of a negative response. And, last, but certainly not least...I'd on fact, most important, I had a hell of a lot of fun. And kind of want to do it again next year.

Bunny Wonderland

Yes, occasionally, I need someone to light a fire under my ass, to get me going. And, there's a good possibility that I may buck it the whole way, because I'm scared. But, I really need to just remember that I am my own worst enemy, and that I need to just do things, instead of worry about the bad things that could happen. Because, truthfully, the things I worry about rarely come to fruition,  and then I've spent so much energy worrying that I have none when it comes time to have fun.

ClubKid MizzDiveena

Oh, and Bunny Wonderland, just so you know, this picture of you actually sold.  Granted, it was to my mom, but...

I Still Get Jealous...

Shauna Rai, photo by Lauren Kennedy

It's no secret that at times, I am totally jealous of Shaunna Rai. Today (Sunday) gave me yet another reason to be jealous.
Today was a photo shoot with a local photographer, Lauren Kennedy.

Dan got up early, to get Shaunna together, for a 10:30 am appointment. I slept in, if you can consider sleeping until 8:30 am sleeping in. By the time I got up, Shaunna was already taking shape.

We got to the location for the shoot, Lauren's mother's house, before Lauren. She'd gone to get coffee.  She was back minutes after we got there, but, not before I was convinced that I was at the wrong house.

Lauren showed us in, and let us know kind of what to expect from the shoot. She had some questions for Shaunna about drag, that came out, throughout the shoot. 

Shaunna Rai,
photo by Lauren Kennedy

The first question was about pronouns, a topic that I feel like I'm relatively well versed in. I was glad I didn't try to answer for Shaunna, though, when she gave her answer. "Some people want you to use the pronoun that fits how they look. I, personally don't care either way. If you call me Dan when I'm Shaunna, I'll look. Just like if you call me Shaunna when I'm Dan, I'll look. To me it doesn't really make a difference, they're both me."  She then talked about how there are some queens, such as Mizery, who she has known for decades, but has no idea what Mizery's actual name is.

While Shaunna got into the first outfit, I talked with Lauren about whether it would be okay for me to take pictures of her taking pictures, for the blog. She said that would be fine, and encouraged me to get up and take pictures while she took hers.

"If you could turn this way..."

The first round of shots were to get the lighting right. As everything was being shot with a digital camera, I took adadvantage of being able to see the pictures as they were taken.  Once these shots were taken, she went to town. I thought that I took a lot of pictures,  as my average per show is about 100-150 useable shots...I'm sure that the total was well over twice that of shots in general.  Between having the vision and the speed with which the camera recovered from the flash, I was super jealous.


Lauren asked Shaunna about Drag Mothers. What are they,  exactly,  and are you one? Shaunna is drag mother to Jacinda, although,  she tries to avoid saying that she's anyone's drag mother. She would much prefer to be referred to as their "fairy drag mother," as Bunny Wonderland once called her.

Red Ribbon Gown, 
photo by Lauren Kennedy

For a little bit,  I got to play Shaunna's personal assistant...helping with costume changes, getting jewelry ready for this shot or that, and a couple times, I jumped to keep the lights from falling on someone. Oh, and a couple times, I ran to shoo Lauren's cats out of Shaunna's suitcase.

As Lauren posed Shaunna,  I often was looking at the pose from a much different angle, and had no idea how the picture was going to look good.  "Put your hand like this, but away from your face." What I saw made no sense, but apparently, translated much better from where she was standing.

"Just like that."

During another costume change, Lauren asked me about what I do...aside from writing the blog.  I explained about being a DSP and working in a group home.  And, lo and behold, she had actually done DSP work, as an ovenight staff.  I often forget how many agencies there are that provide long term and/or short term care for people.  And, it's always nice to be able to talk about my job, when I'm talking to someone who has actually done the work before, because they can understand some of the frustrations that other people may not.

Shaunna came back out, in the last outfit, and after what seemed like a million pictures,  the shoot was over. I was a little sad, because there were so many outfits that Shaunna had brought along, that never got used.  I jokingly said later, that Lauren just wanted to shoot Shaunna naked.

One of my shots of Shaunna Rai

Lauren who had been using her laptop to bring up a Pinterest board with pictures that she was using for inspiration for the shoot, took the memory card, and started uploading the images into her laptop, asking Shaunna to go through and mark the pictures that she liked.  Even the pictures that were just the pre-shoot test shots were amazing.

Lauren asked about if there were any photographers who only took pictures of queens.  Shaunna mentioned a couple of names of photographers (that I don't remember).  Really, the only name that came to mind for me was Jose Guzman Colon, who has shot a few of the RuPaul girls's pictures, that tend to be used mostly for promotional materials.  Lauren then talked about wanting to do some more shoots, with other drag queens, and maybe doing some group shots, and that sort of thing.  Shaunna was totally interested in doing something like that, and made sure to say so.

And, now, I'm jealous.  I want to have a photo shoot of my own.  Not that I expect much from it.  I'm far less photogenic than Shaunna is.  And, like everything else in my life, when I'm in front of the camera, I'm awkward.  I smile like a Cheshire cat, and look like a goofball.  But, I still wouldn't mind having some pictures of myself so that I could pretend for a few days that I'm famous enough for someone to want to take my pictures.  

New Year's Eve Plans

So, it's inevitable.  Every year, I end up working New Year's Eve.  And, every year, I end up being so tired at the end of the night, that I struggle to make it to the ball dropping.  And, then, when it's all over, I conk out, and I'm not heard from again, until the following year... (haha).

Because I'm so flexible, and I worked Thanksgiving, and will be working both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, work decided to honor my request to have New Year's Eve evening, and New Year's Day off.  Which is a good thing, because Shaunna Rai booked a show in Lynn, MA, for New Year's Eve.

 I'm excited about this, because it's a New Year's Eve party with Shaunna and E,on, and that in itself should be a ton of fun.  But, along with seeing Asia again, and meeting some new girls, I'm going to be working the event.  This will be an opportunity for me to start off the New Year, by cracking my shell a little bit.  I'll be taking pictures of the event, the audience, and whatever I feel like taking them of, really.  And, I have the okay to actually sell photo cd's, which will be sent out in the days following the event, while I'm there.  So, just a heads up, if you're reading this, and will want to get a copy of the photo CD, it will be $10, you can email me here.  I'll need mailing info, and will be able to send you to my paypal.

My biggest nervousness, comes from the fact that the last few shows that I've done, my battery has run out before the end of the show.  So, I have to have a backup camera ready, just in case, because I generally am not taking pictures of the audience as well.

Anyhow, it should be an amazingly fun night.  I can honestly say that I've never spent New Year's Eve out of state with Drag Queens.  I encourage all my friends who are available to come and hang out with us and make this a night that we won't forget any time soon.

Also, I heard a rumor, that Shaunna may bring out some "Old School" (before I ever knew her) music for the night.  So, on top of getting to see a show, I get to see some numbers that, while not exactly new, are new to me.

And, I want to throw out a big thank you to Fran's Place, and Dineen Bartolo for having me as the photographer, and promoting me and my photography for your show!  I hope I can do it justice.