Du Hast

Living with a big personality, when you have a quite personality, is difficult enough.  Throw in a second personality, as a performer, who has to be larger than life, and it grows infinitely more difficult.  Then, throwing in a third party (an actual third person), whose ultimate goal, it appears, is to destroy everything that the first two personalities have worked so hard to create...What's inifinity times infinity?  Or infinity to the infinite power?  That's what I've been dealing with over  the last three days or so.

As you know, Shaunna Rai's page, has been removed from Facebook, and Dan's nearly was.  He's still on Facebook police watch with his personal page.  We've contacted Facebook in hopes that we can get it restored, but they appear to be ignoring our requests for some answers.  So, we're no closer to a resolution than we were yesterday, when I posted.

There are a few things, though that have happened, on a positive note.  Mostly to do with how to work the Facebook Like Page system.  I've had the blog going for nearly 3 years.  And, aside from writing stuff here, and posting the link on Facebook, I haven't really been using the page on Facebook to it's full potential.

Given that Shaunna Rai has been forced to become a Like Page, and Dan hasn't got time for learning all the ins and outs, he has me figure out what to do, then explain it to him, so that he can do it.  And, I'm finding that there were things that I didn't know that I could do...or didn't know how to do, that actually can be done.  You can move photos from one album to another, without having to delete them and re-upload them.  You can share events that you're going to be attending, so that people will know where you're going to be, and what you're going to be doing.  I knew that you could schedule posts, so that they would post when you choose for them to, instead of just whenever you're done writing them...so I showed Dan how to do that.

It's been a great learning experience for me, though, because now I have all these little tricks that I can pull out, to use my page a little better.  And, I'm planning to use it better, for causes other than just my own.  Yeah, I really would like to have a bigger audience than the 225-ish people who follow my blog right now.  (Not that I don't love you all, I just feel that sometimes I have really important stuff that needs to be said, and heard by a lot more people.)

I've even managed to figure out for both Dragged to the Inside and Shaunna Rai, how to connect the "fan pages" to Twitter...because, I decided a while back, that it would be great to put Dragged to the Inside into the Twitterverse...and I think I did it twice, and then realized how much work it was to do it, and lost interest...which is kind of my MO.  But, now, it's going to do it automatically, on it's own, when I post it to Facebook.  So, maybe, I'll get lucky, and get some new fans that way!  Who knows, maybe I'll even learn how to work in the Twitterverse.

I'd say that the process has been fun, but it really hasn't.  It's been kind of a bitch.

I get the back end of venting, which is perfectly fine, because, I would be pissed off if it were my account that it happened to.  As it is, it's not my account, and I am angrier than I have ever been in my life with whoever caused all the problems.  What I'm having the hardest time with though, is the byproduct of anger, which is being directed in my general direction, because it has no where else to go.  I have been working my ass off, to get everything back up and going.  I have been begging people to post photos of Shaunna Rai from her early days.  I have been working as much as I can, to set things right.  I've written to Facebook myself, to no avail.  I've spent countless hours trying to calm Dan down.  And, I've spent so much time listening, so that I can understand just how badly this has messed things up in Shaunna Rai's world.

It would be easy to blame this all on Facebook.  I mean, to be totally honest, they've pulled this kind of thing before.  However...this is NOT Facebook's fault.  Someone who was friends with BOTH Dan and Shaunna's friend pages reported them.  Both of them.  And, they weren't reported for being fake accounts, or anything like that.  They were reported for IDENTITY THEFT.  Correspondence from Facebook throws around terms like legal action, and illegal activity.  Meaning, potential jail time... And, this is on top of all the other issues.  Shaunna Rai does business with a lot of people on her page.  The minute that her page was shut down by Facebook, she lost all of those business contacts, many of whom are not friends with Dan...so costumers, venue contacts, other queens...they're all gone.  And, because I'm a picture person...(I believe that pictures often can tell the story better than words themselves. Yes, I get the irony of that, with my being a blogger.) I look at everything that was lost in terms of photographic history.  I don't know how long Shaunna Rai has had a Facebook friend page, but I know that it was a long time.  And, I know that she had pictures on her page that came from all over the place...other states, other times, and from people who are no longer with us.  Because it all happened in the course of a few minutes, there was no way for Shaunna to download her timeline...which, in fact is something that is allowed, if you do decide to go the way of changing a friend page to a like page.  But, whoever reported her, took that possibility away too.  It's as though Shaunna Rai, and all her history was involved in a fully engulfed fire, and there was no time to save the photo albums or the notes from friends who have passed away.  All of that has burned away, and now she has to rebuild.  And, all the while that she is trying to rebuild, she has to be looking over her shoulder, to try to figure out which of her close friends set her world on fire, and destroyed it.

It was ridiculous, and selfish of whoever it was to do.  I don't care what your reasoning behind it was.  You are the farthest thing from a friend.  There are no words to explain all the feelings that I am feeling toward you right now.  I hope that you're proud of what you did.  I hope that you can sleep with a clear conscience, knowing how many people are angry at you with Shaunna Rai and Dan and I.  And, I hope that you understand just how many people want your head served on a silver platter right now, because every one of them is wondering "how long is it going to be until I get reported?"

Just remember, Karma's a Bitch!

Who Cares About History?

A fight is being fought between Facebook and the drag and trans communities. People on Facebook have been reporting drag queens and trans people, interchangeably, for having fake profiles. When the original battle lines were drawn with Sister Roma and Facebook on opposite sides, it was potentially going to effect my world eventually. But, it hadn't hit anyone in the Maine drag community that hard.

I now understand the reason why Sister Roma fought so hard, and has continued to fight, and increase awareness that this is happening.

Over the last few weeks, the trend has hit the state of Maine.  And, many of them are starting fresh with like pages, because some douchebag decided that it would be fun to start screwing with people.

I have thoughts on who and why, but I will keep them to myself, because I have no proof. But, the fact of the matter, is, a lot of drama has been going on in show casting for a couple of upcoming shows. People have gotten mad at each other, and then, in an odd timing incident, people started getting reported to the Facebook police for having fake accounts. Over the last week, I have watched a majority of my friends try to fight to keep their names.

It all came to a head, last night, when I was on my way home from work. Then, it really hit home. I stopped to pick up a couple of things at a convenience store on my way to go pick up dinner. In the 10 minutes or so it took for me to go from one to the other, Shaunna Rai had posted something, and then, been reported and had her page removed for identity theft. Dan's page had been reported for identity theft as well, and he very nearly lost both accounts. So, when I went to look at the tagged post, it was unavailable. (At that point, I still had no idea that anything was going on.)

I picked up dinner, and went home. I was greeted at the door, with a slew of information, and a lot of misplaced anger and hostility. None of it was directed toward me, at least. But, taming Shaunna or Dan when they're angry is a feat in itself. Calming both at the same time...Good luck. It's pretty much impossible.

We ate, while I let Dan vent about what had happened. When it became clear that Shaunna's page was no longer even viewable, things began to sink in, for me.

Shaunna's career spans more than 20 years. Every picture that she had or had been tagged in has been lost. Every poster...gone. Every conversation she had going in regards to upcoming events was lost. It was like, in a matter of 10 minutes or so, Shaunna had been lost in a fire. Every bit of online history on Facebook is gone...and nobody had any way of contacting her, and she had no way of letting her almost 5000 followers know what had happened.

So, the best chance of getting Shaunna Rai back up and running, was to create a like page for her. Because she was trying to put out spot fires in group and individual chats, and was pissed off enough that she could have spewed forth fire if she had tried, she didn't really want anything to do with the creation of the new page. So, it fell to me to get it all set up.

Fortunately, with the blog being a like page, I more or less knew what needed to be done to set up Shaunna's new page. Then, it was up to me to show Dan how to run the page from both the computer and the page manager app on his phone.

There are a few things that I know he's going to hate about it...first and foremost, the fact that they seem a lot less interactive than, say, your average personal page. And, you have to remind your audience to click for notifications to be alerted when something new is posted.

But, there are also things I think he's going to like about it. Biggest is that you can schedule posts ahead of time, so you can have your page running even if you're not around. (And, if he agrees to it, I can become an admin, and fix up some of the typos on the page, so people can't claim that they need a translator.)

However, even with the new page, unless we can get in touch with everyone whose pictures were on Shaunna's old page, that part of her history is gone. And, she's not the only one. Cherry Lemonade was the first Maine Queen to lose hers. Prodigy Diamond, Sheneeda Diet, Shaunna Rai and Envy Chanel have all had to start fresh. And, a number of others are still in the midst of fighting to keep their names and histories.

The reason I started this blog was as a way to keep track of the history of Maine drag since I became a part of that world. But, unfortunately, that only goes back 4 years. Anything prior to that is gone.

I don't usually get angry, but this really has me pissed off. I don't get violent, but I want to hit stuff or people. I want to make whoever did this understand that this was in no way okay for them to do. I want them to understand that if I find out for sure who it was that they will be called out as a traitor, publicly.

Whoever it was that did it, obviously doesn't care about friendship. They've earned themself a spot in the special hell created for drag performers who caused themselves to be iced out by every other performer in the area. I hope it was worth it to you.

A Case of Serendipity

Amber
Photo by: Lauren Kennedy

It's not often that I can say that I made something happen. Or, that I can say I was  in the right place, at the right time. But, just this once, it was a case of both.

As I'm sure you're aware, if you read the blog on a regular basis, I'm addicted to Facebook. I check it when I wake up, I check it before I go to sleep. And, I'm on it for hours, during the day...and more on days off from work.

It was one of these days off, before Christmas, that I made a serendipitous discovery on Facebook. I belong to a group called Queer Exchange Maine, where the LGBTQIA community posts things for sale or that they are in search of, similar to Craigslist, only "gayer." On this particular day, a mother had posted asking if anyone knew of any "LGBT friendly" photographers in the Portland area, who would help her daughter start a modeling portfolio. Immediately, I thought of Lauren Kennedy and Jason Poulin, both, who have done portraits of Shaunna Rai, and both, whom I look up to artistically. So I put the names out there.

Right off the camera, with no touching up
Amber looked amazing.  Photo by Jen Morrow
of the photo by Lauren Kennedy.

Shortly afterward, there was a question about hair stylists and makeup artists. Obviously, I needed to make sure that Dan's (Shaunna Rai) name was thrown in the mix. Dan has done makeup for brides, as well as his own for drag, and helping create Jacinda. And, it was a situation where we had recently discussed that he wants to be a Real Housewives makeup artist. So, I wanted him to get this, mote than anything. Put his name in the running,  and hoped and waited.

Sure enough, that night, he told me that he was being booked with Lauren to do the photo shoot. I ended up designing a gift certificate for him to send to the mother, so that Amber would have it for a Christmas gift.

It wasn't until shortly after that, that I realized how big a deal this shoot was going to be. It wasn't until Dan and Amber started discussing looks for the shoot, that it dawned on me that Amber is trans. (I feel like the mom, Jen, said it initially in the post, but, I overlooked that fact, because it was unimportant to me.)

Initially, I had planned to drop Dan off at Lauren's and leave. I didn't want to make anybody uncomfortable, since I had really had no contact with Jen or Amber. And, I didn't want to be the weird quiet guy in the corner making everything uncomfortable. (I still feel like I was, but Lauren's mom (Kellie) and Jen helped draw me out of my shell a bit.)

I realize at this point, you're probably thinking, "Jesus, Steve, you're making this all about you."  And, to a certain degree, you would be right.  Because, in a small way, I made this happen.  And, I feel that I have the right to claim my stake in all of this.  It's not selfishness, it's just a backstory, so that you can understand how this all came to be.

Lauren shooting Amber through a ring light.
Photo by Kellie Smith.

When Jen and Amber arrived, I introduced myself, as the guy who made it happen.  Lauren, who I met last year, and haven't seen in forever, said a quick hi to me, and complimented me on my improvements in photography (quite frankly, I forget sometimes that people actually pay attention to what I post on Facebook.)  And, then, it became all about Amber.  As, rightfully, it should be.

Without going into a ton of detail, because I want to be respectful of Amber's life, and privacy, I want to bring attention to a few things.  Amber began transitioning at 16 (I think that's what Jen said).  She has had a very rough transition, and at one point, almost stopped.  She was bullied, and was even harassed by the police.  She never even had Senior pictures done.  So, Jen wanted to do something amazing for Amber, and give her a chance to be beautiful.  This was an opportunity for Amber to be in a safe space, and be herself, and be pretty.  (Honestly, she didn't need the makeup and hair styling for that, because she really is a beautiful person without it.)  Jen explained to us, while Amber was smoking, how difficult it was for her (Amber) to even leave the house to come to the photo shoot, because Dan had asked her to not wear makeup before coming to the shoot.  I hadn't even thought about what that would be like for her.  But, as I'm coming to understand, for some trans women, the makeup is the war paint that makes it bearable to face the world and all the horrible stuff that it throws at you.

Amber's Hypodermic Sally look
Photo by: Lauren Kennedy

Dan got Amber into the chair, and started working his magic.  I watched, and kind of got pulled into the process.  Although, I was watching from the back, so couldn't see any of what he was actually doing to her face.  He finally announced that he was almost done.  He just had to put on the lips, and everyone wanted to see what he was doing.  When Jen saw what Dan had done with makeup, she teared up.  Taking Amber's already present beauty, and magnifying it, was too much to contain the emotion.  

That was when we heard that Amber had never had senior pictures taken.  That was when Jen started talking about a support group that she is a part of for parents of trans kids, online.  It was when she started to really open up about how Amber wasn't the only one who had transitioned, and that the entire family had transitioned along with her.  Jen talked about how, with the visibility brought about by Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner, via reality tv shows, there was nothing on tv, showing the middle ground... No television shows show the transition of a 20-something, in a mostly unaccepting state.  No shows have actually shown that it takes time to go through the transition...because Caitlyn just decided and within a year, Bruce had become Caitlyn.  No shows have shown the struggle of a trans youth trying to get a job, and being turned down, because their physical identity didn't match that of their state ID.  Nothing has shown the middle class family who wiped out their entire retirement savings to help their daughter transition, so that she could be comfortable in her own skin.

That, above all else, was what this shoot was about.  This shoot was to make Amber feel comfortable with her body, her look, and make her realize that she is beautiful, inside and out.  

After Dan was finished, fixing lashes, putting on lip tar, and a couple of last minute touch ups, Dan, Lauren and Amber went into the garage. I stayed in with the moms. Lauren's mom was trying to get me to eat, like every parent does. I felt bad explaining why I was avoiding most of the food, because of thr gluten. And, then she pulled some amazing bread balls out of the oven and I proceeded to eat almost half of the pan by myself. Jen, Amber's mom, talked to us about how when Amber transitioned, it was not only her transition, but that of the whole family. She talked about the work that she tries to do in educating people about transgender people. She talked about how companies don't allow a person to transition on their health care plans, and how work is being done to make it so that eventually,  or will be covered.

When they came back inside, Lauren showed off the first round of pictures to Jen. The pride and love in her face I will never forget. After an outfit change, Lauren started taking some pictures inside. She did very little direction, because it was almost as if Amber had been modeling for ages, and instinctively knew what to do. 

Amber went out for another cigarette, and Lauren took some pictures of her on the deck, smoking. Watching Amber move, I was struck by just how graceful she is. Her look, mannerisms and movement very much brought to mind Eddie Redmayne's portrayal of Lili Elbe.   A fact that was not lost on Dan, as he actually mentioned it to me and Amber.

They came back inside to take more pictures, and the photographer in me saw a different angle of what Lauren was seeing. I almost wished that I had brought my camera along. Because if the positioning of the lighting, I had a hard time seeing what Lauren was taking for pictures. (I was behind the box light, so it blocked everything out.) So, I noticed that I could see a reflection in the microwave. I kept looking at the microwave,  to the point that Lauren's mom asked me if I needed to heat something...until I explained to her why I was actually looking at it. 

It was amazing watching Dan and Lauren work together too. They were totally on the same wavelength. Lauren would start to say, "Can you fix..." And Dan would fix it, without Lauren finishing the thought. That is, if she even got the chance to say something.

Amber
Photo by: Lauren Kennedy

In what seemed like no time, the shoot was wrapping up. It was hard to believe that it had been 5 hours-ish. I ended up adding Lauren's mom Kellie and Jen on Facebook. (I added Amber after the fact, because I still felt a little like I was just the weird guy in the corner.)

I was super excited when Lauren finally posted a couple of the photos from the shoot. I was bummed to see that one of the ones I adored wasn't part of the released pictures. I had seen on the camera a profile picture of Amber blowing smoke, from the garage pictures. (But, Lauren is amazing and definitely knows what she's doing. So, it might just not have been up to her standards.)

I won't forget the shoot, and I was so glad that I didn't end up leaving. I learned so much about what it's like for a family to transition along with the trans person. I had a ton of respect for Jen and her husband, for the amount of love that they have for Amber. 

I would love to get more involved in groups like Jen is, both to educate myself and others on trans issues, even if they don't directly effect me. I never want to see anyone feel like they shouldn't belong, because society can't or won't see how beautiful and special they are. Everyone has a story, and these stories need to be told. Not everyone is a TLC or E! reality TV star, but that doesn't make their voices any less valid. 

I think, because of the nature of the shoot, it was important for everyone there, although for vastly different reasons. And the most important reason, was Amber, herself. I hope she felt as beautiful as she is. And, I hope she sees the beauty that the rest of us saw, in herself.

Your Approval is Not Needed.

I posted on my Facebook today, a Leo post, that says, more or less that Leos crave attention, and acknowledgement, and if they don't get it, they lose interest and give up.  I reposted it, because, at first, it was just a, "Hey, I'm a Leo, and this kinda sounds like me."  But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn't just a soundbite, but, instead, it was almost like a mantra that I have lived by my entire life.

I have spent the majority of my life, especially, when I have been in a relationship, looking for someone to approve of every move that I make.  I question my every move, because I don't want to do anything wrong.  I do things, because I think that they will make someone else happy, and because I want someone to be proud of me.

When I don't get a response, I get sulky.  I feel like, what was the point of doing this, if you don't care about it.  Why should I continue doing what I'm doing, if you're not going to appreciate it.  In my head, I'm always doing things, for approval from a you, who only exists in my head.

I fear making mistakes.  I fear hearing someone tell me, "that was crap."  I fear people losing interest in me, and what I'm doing.  So, I start building a wall, so that it won't hurt when/if I get that criticism.  And, in building that wall, I break down friendships and relationships.  I get so worried about screwing up a relationship, that, inadvertently, I actually screw it up myself.

On top of all that, I've always been my own worst critic.  Look at the photoshoot that I did the other day, where, I spent the whole next day tearing apart the pictures I took, because I thought I could have done better.  Nobody else told me that they were crap.  I did that.  I get defensive when someone else criticizes me, but then, I rip myself to shreds.  Sure, it may be in hopes of making me the best me possible.  But, is that really what it's about?  Or, is it something else?

I withdraw so far into myself, that I can't find myself, when someone is trying to communicate with me.  All the while, that I think I'm "protecting myself," I"m actually making things worse.  It's a vicious cycle.

I know, it's been a lifelong process to get to the point where I am now, and realize that I've been waiting for some kind of approval that is never going to come from anyone else.  And, I know it's not going to be easy for me, but I need to make the change for myself.  I need to realize that the only approval that I really need is from myself.  If I'm not happy, I need to make sure that I can find a way to make myself happy.  If I'm doing something that will make me happy, I need to just do it, and not wait for someone else to say, "That's awesome, keep it up."  Because, if I'm already doing it, I don't need that approval.

I need to stop fighting myself, and be more Pro-Me.  Because, Anti-Me, just isn't working for me anymore.  It's a bad habit, that's going to take a hell of a lot of work, to break, but, if I can manage to break it, and become my own friend, and supporter, it's going to make the next 35 years of my life, a lot easier to bear.

Goals for the year:  Follow my dreams, Do what makes me happy, and Give yourself some leeway...everything can't be as horrible as you make it out to be.

Aww, Shoot

Since the Christmas Show put on by Golden Goddess Productions, Shaunna Rai has taken a new queen under her wing.

Mizs Queery was the protégé of Brystal Kreme. During the evening of the show, she showed how interested and eager she is to learn the craft. And, during her duet number with Brystal, Mizs Queery actually overshadowed Brystal (in my opinion). Queery just came off as having more energy and enthusiasm during thr number. I don't really know what happened after, but it appears that Queery is kind of on her own...orphaned from her "drag mother."

So, last night, Shaunna walked Queery through painting her face, in the Shaunna Rai look. I spent the afternoon running around doing car stuff, so I missed the full tutorial. Shaunna would do one half of Queery's face, and explain what the technique was, and then it was Queery's turn.

Watching it happen, as it always is, was kinda cool. And, seeing the process, and then the final result was fun.

Halfway through painting, Queery went (in part face) to pick up a pizza at Little Caesar's. We ate and then they finished up painting.

Finally, it was my turn to have a photo shoot. (Since Dan/Shaunna Rai had just done one on Friday.) I watched Lauren on Friday, to see what a professional does with a model...since Shaunna is always saying that I'm horrible when it comes to directing a model. (Mostly, because I don't really have a clue.)

Anyway, we got Queery into the garage  (where the best lighting is, and where I had tacked up a sheet on the wall for a backdrop.) Shaunna gave a couple of pointers for how a model should stand, and that kind of thing. And, for the first time, it kinda clicked on what I needed to do as far as directing poses.

Because the temperature was so cold, I didn't want to make Queery stay out any longer than necessary,  so when I thought I'd gotten a few good shots of her, we ended it. She washed it all off, and went home. And, I started my editing.

There was very little need for retouching, although there was some...blemishes and a spot on the shirt, where you could see the inner workings of how the blouse was put together. Mostly it was just playing with the contrast and brightness, to get it to look right. I did okay, I guess, because people like the pictures I posted.

However, I spent a good part of the next morning looking over them, myself, and going on my self imposed critique, which consisted of tearing them apart.  Mainly, it's a matter of needing to play around with the lighting a bit. My biggest issue with the pictures was the lighting in the eye area. It's too dark, and I couldn't figure out how to lighten just that area, so you could actually see her eyes.

I'm looking forward to the next shoot, in hopes that I can figure out a few new techniques to make things even better.

You Don't Have Feelings!

I have a bad habit of feeling things very deeply, and taking things personally.  And, yet, on occasion, I have been accused of having no feelings, nor any ideas of my own.  This apparently, has been a running issue, for the majority of my life, because, once, it almost got me thrown out of art school for plagiarizing.

As someone who is naturally shy, it is hard for me to speak what's on my mind.  When you put a person in front of me, and say "Talk to them," I freeze, the way others do when they're handed a test. But, give me a pen and paper, or a phone to text with, and I can carry on a conversation, or share all kinds of information.  I have a hard time starting a conversation, because I don't really know what people talk about.  And, if I have the slightest inclination to think that you're not interested, I'll stop.  Because, the last thing that I want to do is bore you.

It takes me time to process things when I am spoken to.  It's not a long time.  But, if you throw too much at me, all at once, and expect  a response, it may not come.  Because, while you're thinking that I'm not listening, I'm still trying to work my way through everything that has been said.  I usually have an answer, but, sometimes I don't.  In which case, I begin to panic, and try to process faster, and think of something to say.  This is where I have my greatest problems.

I have worked for a third of my life, in a field where, you're not supposed to show emotion.  (It's nearly impossible, and even with hiding it, clients can still tell what you're feeling.  They've learned to pick up on cues that you don't even know you're giving off.)  So, while my face may betray me when I'm eating something disgusting, or seeing someone's skin ripped off on tv, in every day life, I tend to be a little more closed off.  If you cry on my shoulder, I'm probably going to look like a deer in the headlights, because I don't necessarily know what to say to make you feel better.  If you yell at me, I'm going to probably stare at you, and wait for you to finish yelling, before I even think about talking back.  I dislike confrontation, so, if you're yelling, I usually am feeling immediately, like I have done something wrong, and put up my walls for defense.

As for having original ideas...I do think for myself. Although, sometimes, I will adapt to a different way of thinking.  Years ago, I wanted kids.  While I have plenty of love to give, over time, I've realized that having kids is pretty unrealistic in my life.  After having had a (for all intents and purposes) marriage blow up in my face, and realizing that a divorce would make a potential break up drag on, I've come to the conclusion that the only way I will ever consider a marriage, is if I know for a fact that there is no possibility of there being a break up.  (So, it's most likely not going to happen.  Sorry Mom.)

If I say that I'm excited about something, I usually am.  It's when you question whether I'm really excited, that I wonder if there's a reason that I shouldn't be.  I'm constantly second guessing myself.  And, while this is something I know about myself, it's also something that I'm trying to work on.  I can't be wrong about how I feel ALL THE TIME.

I may not be the most thoughtful person there is.  I don't bring home flowers daily.  I don't necessarily remember the name of your second grade teacher, who you've only talked about once.  But, if there's something that you want or need, I can usually tell you, or surprise you with it, before you realize it yourself.

Little things are unimportant to me.  However, I understand that sometimes little things are important to you.  So, therefore, your little things are my little things.  They're things that I need to make important, in my life.  Sometimes, I want to tell you that your little things are silly, and that you're making too big a deal out of them.

But, I don't want to hurt your feelings, or make you upset. That's why I don't always say something.  I do have feelings.  A lot of them.  But, they're mine.  And, I don't know how to express them.  So, I push them aside, in hopes that things will just be fine.  I know, that usually, that's where the problem is, but I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how to not do it.

And, I make mistakes.  A lot of them.  Like, more mistakes than you can ever imagine in your life.  You may see them as just what they are.  I tend to see them more as a learning experience.  Every time I fuck something up, I learn something from it. (I hate that I'm about to quote Bieber, but,
"I know you know that I make these maybe once or twice, and by once or twice I mean maybe a couple of hundred of hundred times.")  Sometimes I do make the same mistake over and over...because sometimes, I'm just that dumb, that I don't get the lesson.

So, you'll have to bear with me.  I'm not perfect.  I am human.  I do have feelings, I do bleed.  I do make mistakes.  And, I give everything I have, with every fiber of my being.  And, someday, maybe that will be enough.

Update #1: What Do You Mean?

So, I posted the other day, that I was really looking forward to a show, that seemed to have been cancelled.  It was a show that would get Shaunna/Dan and me out of the state of Maine for the weekend, and give us a chance to have a mini vacation of sorts.

Over the last twenty four hours, it has been up and then disappeared a number of times.  This morning, I woke up to a post from the host stating that the show was going to be on February 25th, and that they were going to make a long weekend out of the event.

At this point, I'm trying to take it all with a grain of salt.  I don't know whether to believe that it's really going to happen or not.  I mean, with the amount of pay that he's promising, and lodging for the night, I'm not sure how he's going to recoup the money that it will take to lodge the queens, much less pay them, especially, as he is promising to also fly in queens from far away.

I may be totally wrong in assuming that this is all a set up...and I hope that I am.

I'm still hoping for a best case scenario, and that Shaunna Rai and Miss E,on will get their chance to show off in New York for a butt load of girls from across the country.  They work hard enough, that they deserve some recognition.  And, I'll do my part to promote as much as possible.  I just hope that the host gets things figured out, and that the event and his page stop getting deactivated, so that I can truly promote this show, and help make it amazing...because, occasionally, I can be a good ally and promoter.  I'll keep you posted on what's going on.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this is actually going to work out for the best.

I'm Coming Out (So You Better Get This Party Started)

Where were the gay blogs and the gay media when I was coming out?  It was a huge event.  It was such a big thing that I even hired my mom to keep the secret from my dad.  She failed miserably, but, it worked out okay for me in the long run.  Everything that I feared was going to happen didn't come to fruition.  But, I digress.

Over the weekend, Colton Haynes, who has been on Teen Wolf, and Arrow, made a comment on his Tumblr page, that has people reading into it that he has officially come out of the closet.  However, unlike most celebrities that came out in the last couple of years, basically, jumping out of the closet with trumpets and confetti guns, Colton just said, "It was secret?"

And, with that, things took off.  Either people were like, "OMG, He's so hot, I knew he had to be gay."  Or, they went the other route and "It took you long enough.  If you're really gay, you should just say it.  It's your moral obligation to do so."

To the ones saying, "It's your moral obligation," I say, "Says who?"

The truth is, it's nobody's business, unless he's sleeping with them, to know what his sexuality is.  No celebrity has to tell the world that they're a homosexual...because no straight celebrity announces to the world, "I'm heterosexual, and I like to do the missionary position with my opposite sex partner."

I understand the reasoning behind thinking that there is some kind of obligation to young fans, who may be in the closet...but the truth of the matter is that, there are already a ton of good LGBT role models for these young people.  Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, Neil Patrick Harris, Matt Bomer, Lea DeLaria, Ian Harvie, Jim Parsons, and so many others.  Each of these people, have, in their own time come out of their varied closet types.  They had no obligation to though.

Nobody cared about it when I came out.  Nobody still cares.  Most people know before I even tell them.  Being gay is part of who I am.  It doesn't define me completely.  And, there is absolutely no reason why anyone should feel obligated to come out.  If you choose to come out publicly, and take up the cause, good for you! We wouldn't be where we are in terms of activism, and what have you, without the pioneers.  But, not everyone is going to pick up the mantle, and fight for whatever it is that we're fighting for these days.

The LGBT community can be very much fickle toward our own people.  There is a huge amount of discrimination among our own community.  How many times have I heard, "No fats, No Fems' used? or "You wouldn't understand, being that you're cis, after all."  What we really need to do is start looking at ourselves.  Before we start demanding that our celebrities make their sex lives public record, how about we start demanding of ourselves that we take care of our aging population, and make sure that our older neighbors are going to make it without having to resort to skipping their medications and eating dog food because it's cheaper, so they can heat their home during the winter?  How about we start being kind to each other?

The truth of the matter, is that it doesn't matter if Colton Haynes is gay or not.  The media has picked up on it, and turned it into a discussion.  Yes, there are photos out there, that prove that at one time, he posed as a model for gay oriented photos.  But, that doesn't mean that it's a "Secret Gay Past."  It means he was a model.  Yes, he has done drag for the past two Halloweens...and looked really good, as the characters he was costumed as.  But, Drag doesn't make you a homo either.  If in fact he was giving a quick, "Yeah, I'm gay, so what," I congratulate him, and welcome him with open arms.  (Literally, Colton, if we ever meet, I want a hug.)  But, he's more than just a label.

I know that people will probably disagree with me, and I encourage you to have the discussion with me, either in comments here, or on the facebook page.  Explain to me why there is a moral obligation for celebrities to come out publicly.  Especially, if they haven't really ever denied that they were in the closet to begin with.

What Do You Mean?

I try to avoid being negative, because negativity breeds more negativity.  But, occasionally,  something happens, and I just don't know how to process it.

Over the weekend, Shaunna Rai was asked to perform and MC a show in New York, at the end of February. It was for an AIDS Benefit. Lodging for the night was going to be paid for and it was a paid gig for her.

I had posted on the Facebook page about how excited I was. This morning, the announcement was made of the venue and a Facebook event invite was sent out. A few queens that I know had posted that they would be performing at the show. And, then, the event page and any mention that had been made of it, we're gone.

Shaunna told that she had been getting messages from other people asking what was going on, because they had been blocked.

I am both angry and disappointed. First off, an AIDS Benefit is nothing to make a mockery of. Especially,  when you have a number of people that are getting involved in it. When you have performers coming from all over, it's not cool to mess with them. Booking dates fill up quickly, and losing out on an event, because of a "joke" is a slap in the face to everyone who may have to change work schedules or whatever to make it work.

I'm most disappointed in the fact that this was going to be a night away for Dan and I. We don't really get out and it would be like a one night vacation to get to hang out in New York. I was actually hoping that it would be real, and invited my friends from art school to come, so that they could meet Dan/Shaunna.

So, having my hopes up, and then everything thrown up in the air and in question, has left a bad taste in my mouth. Hopefully, it was just a mistake, and is still actually going to happen, but, I don't want to get my hopes up again. I was actually even considering tweeting someone famous to see if he might come to the show...because Twitter allows you to talk to famous people, and I have an in...I work with his brother. Lol.

In the infamous words of a client I work with, "We'll see."

Nothing Changes...

My friend Mat posted this a couple years ago.
And, it's kind of my inspiration for the year.
Thank you, Mat.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

With the New Year upon us, I can't tell you how often I've seen these sentiments come across my social media feeds.  And, the truth is, it is the truth.  If you want something to change, you have to take the steps to make the change.

I've always struggled to walk the line between being too naive and optimistic, and being too cynical and pessimistic.  Although, I usually err on the side of being optimistic.  For nearly a decade, "The Secret," has been brought to my attention...both the book and the video.  And, in various ways, it has had some kind of influence on my way of thinking.

I am the kind of person who will fight to the death for you, if I believe that you're worth fighting for.  Or, I'll leave you in the cold, if I don't.  Katy Perry's "In and Out" is a song, that's basically about how I think.  This of course, is an aside.  Basically, what I'm saying, is that I'll wish the best for you, if you deserve it.

Unfortunately, in the past, this has only been applied to other people.  I sometimes put my trust in the wrong people, and give my all to people who don't deserve it.  Sometimes I allow things to happen, that I shouldn't.  People treat me wrong, and I say, "that's just who they are."  And, it always ends up being detrimental to myself.  Because I'm giving my all to someone else, I give up some of myself.

While I avoid making resolutions at the New Year, I am going to make a conscious effort this year, to put more focus on myself.  I want to put myself out there a little more...talk to someone I wouldn't normally talk to.  Stop making excuses for why I can't write a blog.  Stop making excuses for why I can't draw.  Stop allowing people to tell me that I'm not good enough.  And, it's time for me to start believing in myself.

Over the last year, I have started to create a group of people who surround me, who believe in me.  And, while I haven't ever said thank you to any of them, I want to say it now.  If you read my blog, if you've seen my webcomic, if you've seen my photographs from a show, and said that they were good/bad/otherwise, I want to thank you.  It is because of your feedback that I continue to do what I do.  And, continue to want to do it.

I want to make you all proud.  And, I want to have a reason to be proud of myself.  So, this year, is going to be for us.  (Ok, mostly for me...but sort of for us.)

I have had a bit of a push to put my talents to use, and have been pushing myself to step outside of my comfort zone...which usually involves making excuses for why I don't want to do something.  I may not become a total "Yes Man", but I intend to say yes more often this year.

And, I am still going to put things out there in the universe...because I feel that bits of "The Secret" are true.  I put it out there that I hoped in the new year, that Shaunna Rai would be able to do more traveling, because I think it would be good for her...and lo and behold, next month, we're going to NYC for an AIDS benefit.  (Talk about instant good karma!?)  And, I'm going to try to avoid putting out the bad things for the universe.  I can have a bad day, but I can't say, "My life sucks because..." because, doing so puts it out there that I'm not happy.  And, I want my life to be happy.  I don't have to like my current situation all the time.  But, there are things that I have to be happy about.  I'm loved.  I'm sheltered.  And, I'm healthy.  That's a lot more than some can say.  And, I need to focus on the good.

Take the steps to make your year great.  Choose to look for the good...even if looking for the good, is seeing one single perfect snowflake in the blizzard of the century.  Because, I tell you what...that's my plan for the year.  And, I hope that we can share it together.

2015: A Year in Review

Since I did it last year, I probably need to do one again this year.  If I write it the way I think I should, it's going to sound like I'm sugar coating everything...so I'm going to put everything out there.

2015 has been a busy year. A lot has happened, both good and bad. I lost focus for a while, then changed my focus slightly. I learned a lot about drag this year. I learned a lot about myself this year. And, I'm both looking forward to, and apprehensive about what 2016 has to bring.

The year started off with Shaunna Rai, Asia, Miss E,on and Dee Lish doing a show at Fran's Place in Massachusetts. A lesbian couple got engaged that night. I sold cds of my pictures from that night, for the first time. I was asked later if I would consider taking pictures at their wedding. It appears that the wedding never took place, and the couple are no longer together.

At the end of January, we went to see Jujubee at Seacoast Rep. I met Rainbow Frite and Lili Whiteass for the first time that night. (Never suspecting that I would get to hang our with them all later in the year.

February brought about my interview with Chad Sell. I was so excited about it that I couldn't stand it. Having one of your artistic inspirations actually talk to you about what they do, was such a cool experience. I just wish that I had thought of more interesting questions to ask.

March brought the RuPaul’s Drag Race BOTS Tour to Portland.  In one fell swoop, I met Alaska Thunderfuck, Darienne Lake, Pandora Boxx, Ivy Winters, Jinkx Monsoon, Jiggly Caliente, BenDeLaCreme and Michelle Visage.   It remains one of my highest points for the year.  March also brought about the March Dragness Show in Bangor.  It was a great show, but as a photographer, and bag boy for Shaunna Rai, I hated the fact that while there were indeed reserved seats, none were reserved for me...so I got to stand in the back, with all the other people, and try to get some good pictures...

April brought about the major revelation that Bruce Jenner was going to be transitioning.  The all important interview with Dianne Sawyer, and then, basically disappearing for two months.  Not much else happened in April...

May brought about the busiest time of the year.  The HIV/AIDS Walk Weekend in Ogunquit, which was spent with Shaunna, Miss E,on, Porcia, Scarrlett and their friend Jen.  That was probably the most interesting week of the year.  I learned a lot about a lot during that week.  May also brought Dragapalooza at Bates College in Lewiston.  While I stand firmly behind the cause, and love the show, I had to say, after three of them, I was least impressed with this one, only because of the sheer number of performers.  I love that so many people wanted to be a part of it, but as an audience member, I got bored, because I was sitting so long.  May is also the Zumba weekend...aka Moosestock, at Point Sebago.  This was an important weekend for me, because it took a lobster to "crack my shell."  I made a friend, in trying to smuggle out a lobster for the drag queens (Shaunna, Prodigy Diamond and E,on.  She has proved to be someone who has bettered my year, in that she is super creative herself, and has been pushing me to expand my horizons and push my limits, and be who I should be, not who I think I should be...because I've come to the conclusion that I think that I deserve less than other people.  At the end of the month, we were invited to see a preview of the Portland Players' version of Hairspray...a play that has moved toward the top of my list of favorites.

June brought about the revelation of Caitlyn Jenner's name and new look.  It showed me how many people on my Facebook page are transphobic, and how many people are just jerks.  And, it showed me that I for once, could start using myself, and my blog/like page as a soapbox to try to spread acceptance, and destroy ignorance.  June also brought Pride...one of my regrets for the year, was choosing to work during the Pride festival Saturday and during the Tea Dance on Peak's Island that Sunday.

July brought about a fundraiser for Ariel Gibbs, a friend of Shaunna's who was dying from Cancer.  Drag Divas Give Back was an amazing show, and Jujubee ended up being a surprise guest performer for the night.  July also brought about our move from Portland, to Lewiston.  It was supposed to be a good thing, in that we would be saving money on rent, we'd be saving money on laundry (because we have a washer/dryer), and we wouldn't be spending money on city trash bags.  Unfortunately, in our planning, we didn't exactly figure in the amount of gas that we would be spending money on.  And, our move has brought about problems that neither of us had really expected.  July brought the first job that I have ever been asked to resign from, by management.  It was the biggest slap in the face, because it was a job that I more or less loved, and the bits and pieces that I've heard since I left about what is being said about me, pisses me off.  But, if being real with clients about what real life is like, and letting gay kids know that it's okay for them to be gay, makes me a bad influence, then, I guess I'm going to lay claim to my status as a bad influence.

August brought Ariel's death, and funeral.  It was awkward for me, because I was attending a memorial for a woman who I had never met.  The memorial service was beautiful, and the wake following the service was a who's who of Drag.  That was the first time I met Kamden Rage, who would later on go on to win the title of Miss AIDS Awareness.  It brought out a few revelations about relationships between queens and trans friends.  It brought out an HIV status disclosure, from someone I didn't expect it from.  August brought about my 35th birthday, which involved picking up a grill in Old Orchard, from the GFB owners, who had been trying to convince Shaunna that she and E,on and another queen or two needed to come back again for a show.  (I'm sad that it didn't happen.)  It was the first time since high school that I went to Boston with my Parents...and sadly, it's a trip that I probably won't allow to happen again.  It stressed everyone out.  August was the return of the Red Light Series at the Seacoast Rep, which had Shaunna, Bunny Wonderland and Cherry Lemonade, and (Boston Girls) Lili Whiteass and Rainbow Frite working with Jujubee, Joslyn Fox and BenDeLaCreme.  This was the other main highlight of the year.  This was the period of time, when I became aware of just how much of a voice I have, and have become over the last two years.  During the final nigh, with BenDeLaCreme, there was a burst pipe in the Rep, and so over the course of the afternoon, I had to help get the word out to everyone who I knew, who might possibly be coming to the show, that the venue and time was changing.  And, it was the first time that someone who actually follows me on Facebook (who I didn't know at the time) called me by name, and talked to me, like I actually knew what was going on.  It was the first time that I was given the information by Cherry Lemonade that I was just as important to the shows as the queens, because with the photos I take, and the blogs about the shows themselves, I give them something to look back on, and give a different take on their experiences than their own.

September brought the Remembering The Underground show at Styxx.  It was a fun night, that reminded me of going to my first gay bar in Philly, during an 18+ night, because the music was all from the 90's.  It also brought the announcement of the Grand Majesty Ball, the same evening as the Trans Day of Remembrance, and a ton of controversy about it.  It was the first time that I had experienced anything like the rumors that I had heard previously about how the trans community feels about drag and the gay community.  It was the first time that I went from being part of a minority myself, to being a "privileged, cis-gendered, white, gay man," who doesn't get to have an opinion about whether or not it's okay to have a show on a night when we are remembering fallen trans people.  It was the first time that I got really pissed off and fought on Facebook, to the point, where I actually had to turn off my phone, and stop looking at it, so that I didn't say something that I wouldn't be able to take back.   We had a night out at The Breezeway Pub in Manchester, NH.  Shaunna had been asked to perform at Drag Roulette with Porcia and Scarrlett.  And, I had one of my (most likely stress induced) seizures (if it can be called a seizure.)  It was one of the times that I should have said I didn't want any part of it, because I had spent the whole afternoon running around for Shaunna, making cupcakes for the follow night's show, and then spent the whole ride to Manchester being chided for how I drive.  (I was so over it, that night, that I almost pulled over and told Shaunna to get out.)  The whole ride home, I felt stupid, and got berated for not taking care of myself, and I just wanted to curl up and die.  The following night, was Cancer, Schmancer, a benefit to help raise money for two women who had cancer, and needed help with medical bills.  It was also Leanna Love's birthday, and so I felt that I needed to go.  Since I'd collapsed the night before, and hit myself on a counter on my way to the floor, I was sore.  My chin hurt, my left side hurt, since I was bruised.  And, I accidentally caused all kinds of controversy with my review of the show.

I did the Lewiston/Auburn Art Walk, which was a great experience for me.  It allowed me a chance, to totally separate from Shaunna and Dan, get myself out there.  I spent two or three hours talking with people who were coming to look at my stuff, and I got to explain why it was important to me.  (Kinda the whole goal of the blog...lol)  

October brought the Halloween shows.  Drag Me to Hell at the Lewiston Elk's Club was fun.  I did a last minute costume, that was supposed to be Archie (as in the love triangle of Archie, Betty and Veronica.)  It didn't go over that well, but it gave me a bit of confidence that I was going to need for the next show, which would be the costume party that was being thrown by Equality Maine: The Great Pumpkin Ball.  The Pumpkin Ball, was the highest point in my personal growth for the year.  With the start of American Horror Story: Hotel, and the character Liz Taylor, I had someone to portray, that I would be able to do with ease.  I hinted about what I was doing for it, but nobody except Shaunna and Miss E,on knew what I was actually planning...and E,on only knew, because I needed something made for the costume.  I knew that I had done something right, when people kept coming up to me, asking for pictures, and complimenting me on how good my costume was.  

November brought Malice in Wonderland, the current incarnation of the Screaming Queens show.  Shaunna portrayed "Malice".  I got to know Miss JoAnn's husband a little bit...and learned a lot more about their relationship than I wanted to know.  Charlie Sheen came out as being HIV positive, which again brought about a wave of ignorance on my Facebook feed.  And, allowed me to start putting myself out there as an educator, to try to deflect some of the ignorance that was being thrown all over the place.  It also brought out the benefit show, before the actual Miss AIDS Awareness Pageant.  (I was super nervous about this show, because the last time I was there, I'd collapsed...but I was fine.  The show was amazing.  So many performers.  I found out that I have a little more than just bad luck, for the first time, ever, I actually won something...and not just once, but a couple of times.  I won the 50/50, the raffle, and later, during Lili Whiteass's Trivia Night, I won a gift bag....I could have taken the whole night, if I had been able to write faster and smaller.  (You'd be surprised at how much room it takes to write "Meeko the Raccoon and Flit the Hummingbird," and how hard it is, when you run out of hand, to continue writing on the piece of paper.)  Following Thanksgiving, Mimi Imfurst had a show at Styxx.  Having decided that she was not the horrible person that she was portrayed as on Drag Race, last Christmas, I decided that I wanted to see this show.  For the first time, I think, since the first year that we were together, Dan went to a drag show with me.  Shaunna was nowhere to be found.  Mimi didn't disappoint me.  

December brought the Miss AIDS Awareness Pageant.  Scarrlett gave up the title, to Kamden Rage.  As with the previous year, the lack of knowledge of the HIV and AIDS was frightening, and reminded me of why I have taken up HIV/AIDS education as one of my causes.  There was a brief controversy about whether or not Kamden should have even won, due to the fact that she wasn't a "New England Girl" for very long before she won it.  While it was controversial, I feel like it was totally justified.   Following Miss AIDS Awareness, was the Holiday Show at Styxx.  ClubKid MizzDiveena proved again that her brand of drag is so different than everyone else in Maine, and it's amazing.  I left the show, with the image of her Ice Queen look burned in my head, and couldn't wait for photo editing to see it again.  Next was the Ho Ho Holiday Show at the Elks Lodge in Lewiston.  It was the first appearance of my Glitter Beard.  It was a great show, and I got to meet a new queen.  Mizs Queery.  Mizs Queery was introduced as the protege of Brystal Kreme.  They did a group number, and I was surprised by "the new queen."  For someone's first time performing, she commanded attention, and I found myself watching her more than Brystal.  I look forward to seeing more of Mizs Queery in the new year.  The last show of the year, was Mimi Imfurst's Big Gay Christmas Drag Show.  This was a surprise show, that was announced only about 2 weeks before the show.  And, it ended up being packed.  This was the way a RuPaul's Drag Race girl's show should be...not a sparse crowd, like the November show she had done in Portland.  

I spent a lot of time driving this year.  And, I spent most of that time being criticized about how I drive.  It makes it hard to feel happy at a show, when you've spent most of the ride there feeling like you're bad at everything.  

I had a lot of time, when Shaunna would come up to me after a show, and ask me what my problem was...because other people thought that I was in a pissy mood, or didn't want to be there.  While, occasionally, that is the case, it's the exception, not the rule.  What bothers me about people asking Shaunna, is that I feel like I'm a pretty approachable person, and that people should ask me, not her.  I'm a pretty open book, so if there's something you want to know, just ask.  I'll either tell you, or tell you that it's none of your business.  

I'm looking forward to what 2016 has in store for me.  Another BOTS tour would be nice, as would another opportunity to work with the Seacoast Rep for Mid-Summer Night Queens.  Shaunna has a lot of open invitations to work in Boston, and New Hampshire.  I would love to see us get our financial situation under control, so that she can get to those places...because as much as I love the local queens, I enjoy seeing some of the bigger name queens as well...who I don't see on a regular basis, outside of their Facebook walls.