2016, A Year of Tears

The year 2016, is a year that many people would like to erase from memory. From the numerous celebrity deaths, to the Trump win at the election, it's clear that the year sucked.

On a personal level, it wasn't a great year for me. There were some good parts to it... I got to help design a line of t-shirts for Shaunna Rai, which is available at DragQueenMerch.com. I also created a couple of limited edition t-shirt runs on my own. (Which, only my mom bought...)

But, it was a super weird year. In March, I had full time hours cut back severely to 5 hours a week on a good week, and ended up on unemployment. I spent the next few months on a quest to find a new job. I chose to go to the first place that offered me relatively good money, with a Monday through Friday schedule. I lasted a full 6 months there. The full time that I was told would happen "eventually" never materialized. So, I picked up a second job as a cashier at a local salvage store. They worked around my first job, and treated me like they really wanted me there. Then, they offered me what the other job couldn't produce...Full time hours with benefits. So, over the course of a year, I've had three jobs...And the one I least expected to like, is the one I am happiest at.

Dan and I split up in June, just before Pride. Which made it awkward at pride, as we still only had one vehicle, and I brought him down so that Shaunna Rai could be a judge for the parade, and we made the announcement on Facebook prior to Pride...So everyone was asking if we were OK. The truth is, we weren't able to be for each other what we each needed.  We work better a friends. And, though it makes me sad that after almost 5 years we ended it, I'm glad that I got to at least keep a friendship.

Over the second half of the year, I had a mostly hate relationship with anything drag related. Not because of the breakup, mind you, but because of what was being expected of me, and a lack of respect as a person that I was getting.

I don't feel like I demand respect, ever. But, if I offer to do something for you, the least that you can do is thank me. This was a theme for a big part of the year.

"Steve, can you make me a poster?" OK. "Well, can you change this and that and that and this and give me the poster that I really wanted, yesterday?" Um, sure. I'll do that.

"Steve, we know you like taking pictures at shows...If you take them at this show, you'll get in for free..." OK, I'm good with bartering, but, you do realize that I do have a job, and that I take thousands of pictures at a show. And, I go through them to filter out bad photos and edit the ones that might be able to make it. "Yeah, but can you have the pictures you take up, before the performers go home for the night? They want to know how they looked." Um...Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Cherry Lemonade moved to New York.

It became a little too much for me to deal with, so I took a break from all things drag for a little bit.

At Halloween, Hurricane Bianca had come out, and I decided that I wanted to try doing something fun for Halloween. So, I became Bianca Del Rio...Sort of... The goal was that I was going to do my own makeup and then we would go to the Great Pumpkin Ball, a benefit for Equality Maine. I couldn't figure out what to do with the makeup, and Dan did it for me, which made him angry, as he was trying to do his own makeup, as he was performing. We arrived, I dropped Shaunna Rai and Miss E,on off at the door, then drove all around town to find a place to park...then walked about 4 blocks or so, in heels back to the venue. The highlight of the night was the girl who came up to me, and said, "I don't want to offend you, but, you look just like Bianca Del Rio. And I couldn't stop staring at you, trying to figure out why Bianca would be here, in Maine."

After another couple of shows, I again remember why I took the break in the first place. Because it all becomes a drama fest...

And, the year was capped off with the closing of my first gay bar experience in Maine, Portland's own Styxx. Not just like a "closed for a week for vacation," but a "closed for good. Kiss 30-something years of gay history goodbye." Mimi Imfurst came back for one last Christmas show. And, Brita Filter came from New York for one last show...And so did Cherry Lemonade. New Year's Eve was the last night, and I was glad that it was a busy night. It reminded me of the Styxx that I first experienced, years ago. Packed, with shot boys running around in tight undies. And everyone having a good time.

Here's to hoping that 2017 is going to be a better year. Less drama. Less sadness. More adventures and more real friendships that don't take backseats to relationships. (OK, I know, I'm grasping at straws with the last one...But, you never know.)

What's it to You?

I follow a lot of drag. Like, a ton. I follow good makeup artists and not so great makeup artists. I follow some who should be far more famous than they are, and some, who...well...in my opinion, could use a lot of work.

I can appreciate anyone who has the guts enough to put on a persona of the opposite gender, and be comfortable. It's not an easy task.

But, over the years, since I started following drag royalty on social media, I have come to hate one aspect of drag. And, that is the putting down of other people. I may question a performer's choices, but, it is a genuine question. It's not a read or "I could do better."

Reading, as they say, is fundamental. It's a part of drag that comes in the form of a "roast" of sorts. It's meant to be done in fun. And, not as a moral or mental attack. But, far too often, I have seen one small read turn into a flame war, with a number of casualties, who may or may not recover. This to me, is unacceptable.

For a sub-group in a minority, you would expect there to be support and encouragement. But, it often times, will come down to someone feeling a sense of entitlement, or having an opinion that they are better than they are. It comes down to not having a desire to learn from those who have come before. It comes from a belief that just because you are doing drag, you know better than everyone else what is going on and how to make things "better." And, it all ends up turning into a shit show, and people get hurt.

When attacks are made about a person's mental or physical health, that is a line that should not be crossed. That could be considered by some to be abuse. When the attacks cause a performer to throw in the towel, it's a sad day.

Whether it be in Maine, or anywhere else in the US, or around the world, we need to honor drag. Or, we will lose it. In Maine, we're losing performance spaces. When I first started going to drag shows, there was Blackstone's, Styxx and Mama's Cabaret. Studio 55 came later. Mama's is gone. Styxx, is due to be closed after New Year's. Golden Goddess Productions holds shows every couple of months. But, here in Maine, before long, there will be an abundance of Queens and Kings with nowhere to perform, at the rate things are going.

Don't let fighting be the death of drag. There are already enough factors working against drag on its own, without adding drag against drag.

Drag is supposed to be fun. Let that be the determining factor as to why a performer retires. Who cares if they're good, if they're having fun...aside from the audience, who will either tell them the truth, or lie and make them think that they're amazing. If a performer is bad, don't ask them back. Simple as that.

If I shared every opinion of every performance I have seen over the last 4 or 5 years, I would make a lot of enemies. I have seen good drag. I have seen bad drag. I have seen people who have the it factor. I have seen people who I would advise to hang up the wig and move on. But, my opinion doesn't have, and shouldn't have a bearing on the performers I see/work with regularly. Because, quite honestly, I have been disappointed in RuPaul girls, and I have been blown away by brand new performers. And, vice versa.

Social media is not the place to play out drag drama. While it may be fully entertaining, it sets a bad precedent for future entertainers. It gives them a reason to think that it is fully acceptable to be a bitch, just 'cause. So, think twice before airing your dirty laundry online. Karma is a bitch, and will hit you back with three times what you put out.

So, just remember. Play Nice. Make good choices, and, don't be a dick.

Who's the Bully Anyway?

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Take a Break

The last year of my life has been challenging, to say the least. From being asked to leave a job, to being hired at two other jobs, that never delivered on the hours that they promised, I'm a little disenchanted with things. Then, with the addition of a breakup, which was very public (though on very good terms). And finally, with all the drama that comes with the drag community, I am tired. And, I need to take a step back from everything and re-center myself.

Any of these on their own would be enough to cause some to throw their hands up in defeat. But, I'm a glutton for punishment, and let it build and build and build. And, NOW, I'm throwing my hands up.

Over the last 5 years, I have voluntarily taken pictures at shows. I get no compensation for doing so. And, I generally will take 2-6k pictures over the course of a show. I then find the best ones, edit them and post them. It was initially for me. And, partially, for people who weren't able to attend. And it all takes time. And, sometimes I just am not in the mood to deal with pictures. The random, "when will the pictures be up," sometimes makes me want to say, "Never." I don't think I have actually sat through a show in 5 years, to watch it, in person. It has always been through a camera lens...

I went to art school, right out of high school, because I was going to animate for Disney. Life happened, and I never achieved that. For a long time, I avoided art in general. Then, I was asked to do a show poster. It gave me a chance to put my creativity to use. And, that was great. When I have all the info and photos and such that I'll need, it takes no time. And, again, I don't really get any compensation. That's my own fault...although recently, I have started negotiating for the work that I do. But, there comes although time when as a graphic design, you want to tell the client to go to hell, when the poster has to be changed a million times. And, when an outside person or group won't share the poster because of wording...well, it means another edit. My average number of edits on a poster, generally ranges from 5 to 8, because of last minute drop outs or additions. My advice...if you're not sure about the line up, do yourself and me a favor... instead of listing everyone, say "And Special Guests."

While I was working very little this spring, I started doing caricatures of queens. It was a way for me to bring in a little extra cash. It was something that I enjoyed. That is, until my opinion became a death stroke for a commission. The worst part, was that the beheading of the project came just a short while after a conversation with the queen about starting over, because it wasn't conveying her "look". The project was killed by her manager, who disagreed with what I said, and told me that he (the manager) was killing it, because he didn't want to be reminded of a horrible day, with her merchandising. That left a bad taste in my mouth, and I really have avoided taking new commissions since.

And then, of course, there is the blog itself. I haven't posted since the breakup, because I'm still not sure how I feel. So, it has been easier to not say anything about anything, than to address what I want to address.

It feels like this is a good time to take a break. There are shows tonight and tomorrow, that I'm committed to. But, after that, I'm free to do what I want. Shaunna Rai now has a vehicle, so no longer has to rely on me taking her to shows.

So, I am going to take some me time. I'll only take on projects that I really want to do. And, maybe, after the show tomorrow, I'll go to a show, and watch it like a normal person.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I can no longer be referred to as a Drag Husband. Not really. After almost five years, Dan and I have ended our relationship. It was a mutual decision, and nobody's fault.

I know anyone who knows us in real life, is waiting for me to write this, because they're expecting to get the dirt on who did what, to get to the root of the why. I feel bad for those who are hoping for that, because that's not what you're going to get.

I've been broken up with a few times. And, it's never pretty. There has always been a period of extreme awkwardness after. And, always talk about who was the real bad guy.

Quite honestly, we grew apart. We both wanted different things. That's it. No cheating scandals. I wasn't secretly trying to date other drag queens.

We broke up the Friday of Pride Portland. And attended Pride the next day together, and the Tea Dance on Peaks Island on Sunday. It was a little odd...because we were there together, but really weren't together.

We did a joint announcement on Facebook, posting the same thing, at about the same time, after I let my parents know, so they wouldn't find out online first. And, the friendship thing seems to be working for us.

Breaking up isn't easy. And it's not pretty. But, this time, at least the level of maturity on both our parts has made it far less awkward than it could be.

Now, comes the worst part of the break up...dating again...

#WhatPrideMeansToMe

This year, Pride Portland! asked on their Facebook page, for people to write in with the hashtag, What Pride Means To Me.  Of course, being the procrastinator that I am, I put it off.  And put it off.  And put it off.  And, now we're about 3 days out from Pride.  So, it's time to do it, or not.  And, I'm going to do it.  Although, what I have to say, is going to take far too much room for one of the little blurbs that they've been using for other people.

Pride has always been about the fight.  It's been about making sure that the LGBT community is visible, so that other people can understand the struggle that we go through on a daily basis, just to get the same respect as everyone else.  This, is especially important now, following the attack on Orlando's Pulse Nightclub.  The media is omitting the detail that it is a gay nightclub, which is sad, considering that the reason it even exists, is to keep the "pulse" of the owner's brother's heart alive...a brother who was part of the LGBT community.  The response to the attack has been polarizing.  Gay people are accusing straight people of not caring.  Gun owners, are attacking (verbally) people who are advocating for stricter gun laws.

 It's gotten so bad, that people are trying to take down two businesses in the Portland/Falmouth area, because the owner got so upset about the whole thing, that she posted to Facebook that she would not serve people who owned nor condoned the use of Military Grade Weapons, in her restaurants.  And, the backlash, not just from the state of Maine, but from across the country, in response has been terrible.  All this, in response to a woman who for the last 3 years, has donated one of her restaurants to Pride Portland, for free, for Pride events.

I have had to hide posts on my timeline, from people I grew up with.  Not because I don't like the people.  But, because intentional or not, their attempts at gallows humor, have been severely offensive to me.  You don't have to be gay to be my friend.  You don't have to agree with my anti-gun beliefs.  But, I need you to understand that this was an attack on my community.  In a world that already doesn't feel safe, things have gotten a little more real.  A little scarier than they have ever been before.

So, back to my point.  Pride is about the fight.  The fight to be visible.  The fight to have a voice.  To be able to be ourselves, whether we're fat, femme and asian, or tall, tan and twinky.  We're bears, and otters and pigs.  Silver foxes.  We're gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people.  We live beside you, and you see us on a daily basis, whether you realize it or not.  And, Pride gives us a chance to show how far we've come.  Both, as a nation, and individually.

At this time last year, we were waiting for (or just received...honestly, I can't quite remember) a ruling from the Supreme Court about whether marriage should be legal for the LGBT community.  And, now, it is.  It was a victory, to be celebrated.  But, there are still places in the country and in the world, where you can be evicted, or fired for just being gay.  And, in most places, around the world, you can't be trans and expect to have a full life, because the death toll for trans people (especially those of color) is staggering.

For me, Pride is a time to say, "Look, I'm gay, but that's not all of who I am."  It's a chance for me to open up a conversation to educate people who may not know a gay or lesbian or trans person.  It's a time when I can be with people who are like me, and understand that it hasn't been an easy process to get to the point in my life where I'm comfortable with who I am.  It's a time for me to think about all the times growing up that I was called names and people talked about me, in front of me, like I wasn't there.  And, to realize that none of that really matters.  Yes, it helped shape me into who I am today, but it doesn't matter anymore.

What matters now, is showing the world that we're not going to self destruct, because people are threatening our safe places.  What matters now, more than ever is for us to band together, and make things happen.  Over the course of history, the LGBT community has made things happen.

The riots at Stonewall were started by a drag queen, and lead to changes in laws.  In 1969, it was illegal to sell alcohol to homosexuals, and it was illegal for two men to dance with each other.  The riots following a raid set the backdrop for the modern Gay Rights movement.  This is our history, and this night, is the reason that Pride parades exist.

In the 80's, when the number of people who were dying from AIDS complications hit record numbers, a small, but vocal group of gay men led the fight for finding a cure.  But, before they could find a cure, they had to convince a presidential administration to even start looking for medical treatments to help dying friends and lovers.

In the 90's we were allowed to serve in the military, but had to do so in secret.  It wasn't until a couple years ago, that Don't Ask, Don't Tell, was done away with.  But, there was a fight to abolish that, which eventually, we won.

The LGBT community is now at arms, again, struggling to be seen and heard, following the brutal murders of 49 people and injuries of 53.  This is going to be the Stonewall of my generation.  This is going to be what will bring people together to bring about changes.  Whether it's writing senators about gun control change, or attending candlelight vigils, or whether it's just continuing to go out, and just not be scared, the attack has changed many of us, whether we knew someone who died or not.  We are once again in a place of needing to advocate for our selves, and our safety.  For some, this will be over in weeks, for others, months.  And, for some, this will be the beginning of a lifetime of advocacy for the LGBT community.

With the sweeping changes to the LGBT climate over the last few years, the overturning of DADT, and legalization of marriage nationwide, it may seem like we're in the best position that we've been in almost 50 years. This may be true.  But, we're not done.  Not by a long shot.  Until the day that we don't have to worry about looking at someone for just a second too long, and wondering if they're going to pound the crap out of us.  Until the day that a trans person doesn't have to worry about whether they're going to pass in society.  Until the day when it doesn't matter that you're gay or straight.  Until the day that we can be free to do what we want, love whom we want, and be ourselves, without fear of repercussions against us, we have work to do.

Pride to me, is about being yourself.  But, it's just as much about fighting for what's right.  Not just for me, but for the next generation and those yet to come.  So much work has been done, to make it easier for me to be my authentic self, by past generations of the LGBTQIA community.  So, in some small way, it's up to my generation, and those to come, to continue to make things easier for future generations, until, there is no longer a need to fight to be accepted by society.

So, I will be at Pride.  I will be attending events this weekend.  And, while I may be a little more cautious about my surroundings, I will have fun.  I don't want to be scared.  And, I don't want to let fear take over, and keep me from doing things that I love.  And, that, above all, is what Pride means to me.

Candlelight Vigil

After the horrific events in Orlando, over the weekend, I dreaded the fallout. The blame that would be thrown around on people, religions, and worst of all, on the victims.

Yesterday evening, Portland had a vigil, which we didn't go to. Partly, because I didn't know about it. It was like a last minute thing. They had another one tonight as well. And, Lewiston/Auburn had one as well.

I've been so angry about what happened, and the way that people have responded with blame and hate instead of the compassion for the family and friends of the victims. Because I'm not in Orlando, I don't know what else there is that I can do, but I feel like there has to be something that I can do.

I received an email from Outright, telling about the vigil. And, later I got an event invite on Facebook, for it. I wrestled with the idea of going, for a good part of the day, because, while it would possibly help me feel better, it really does nothing for the people who were actually involved, or my friends who have been affected by the losses of their friends. But, it was also one of those things that I felt like I needed to do at least once in my life, for the experience.

The experience was much different than I had imagined it. Initially, I had pictured that Dan and I would go together, but he decided against it. I got there, and it was busier than I thought it would be. I saw a couple people I knew. I stood there with a candle, which, because of the wind, refused to stay lit.

The speakers started to speak, and I decided that it would be a good time to post my first Facebook Live video. So, while I tried to keep my candle lit (it literally only lasted about 3 seconds), I filmed what was happening. I missed the opening statement, because I didn't think to film in time. And, I didn't bring my camera, because I wanted to be just another supporter...The next speaker came up, and read out of the bible. It was moving, but given the (potentially) religious nature of the shooting, it felt wrong to me. (Although, this could also be due in part to my lack of a religious affiliation, by choice.) A rabbi and his family came and sang a song in Hebrew. Then, they read the names.

The reading of the names was hard to go through. Just the sheer number of names was painful. Having seen the stories of a few of the victims, it was like pulling off a bandaid and ripping off the scab, hearing their names called.

The unfortunate thing about being from Maine, is that there is not a ton of diversity. And, with a predominantly Latin list of names, it was slightly painful hearing bad pronunciations.

A couple more speakers came up, at which point, my video died, because my battery ran out.

The vigil ended with everyone holding hands and singing. (Which felt really awkward.)

Then, it was over.

In the moment, I felt good about having been there. Like, by putting my positive energy in the universe, I was doing something good, and helpful. But, now I'm not so sure. I still haven't really done anything...and I still don't really feel any better about any of it.

How do you move on emotionally after something like this?

No Words...

I've been trying to put my thoughts together, in a cohesive way, to figure out how to address the shooting at Pulse Orlando.

There are no words to explain the horror of, what amounts to a massacre. I have struggled to figure out what I feel about it. Anger, shock, sadness.

I woke up to a Facebook feed full of news of the shootings. Sadly, we're becoming numbed to the news of shootings. When the initial numbers were in the 20's, my thoughts were, how horrible, and I was almost glad that it was such a low number. Because, it could've been so much worse.

The reasons why it happened began to come out, and that was when I started to question my complacency with the brutal murder of at least 20 people. And, not just people. Gay people. During Pride month.

The shooter was offended by two men kissing. And, that potentially was a reason for him shooting these people? So, that makes it a Hate Crime, right?

Then, news came out that he was potentially part if Isis, and an Islamic extremist. So, that, therefore makes it a terror attack, because he claimed it in the name of Isis.

So, how do we properly grieve for these people? And, how do we move forward?

This weekend was Pride, in a number of cities, including Boston and Philadelphia  (cities that are close to my heart). Portland's Pride week is just about to start. And, Shaunna Rai is booked for a number of events, including judging the parade on Saturday.

Like so many people, my first instinct is to say, "Eh, I don't think I want to go. Because, what if what happened, happens here?" But, life goes on. And we can't spend the rest of our lives hiding scared. If we do, we lose. The bad guys win. 

The way to move on is to remain true to yourself. Don't let your fear disrupt your life. Keep being yourself. Keep loving who you love. And make sure your loved ones know that you love them...just in case...but they'll appreciate it either way.

To my knowledge, I have not lost anyone. But, friends from Boston and Philly have. My heart goes out to them, and all the families and friends of the victims. Nobody deserves to die just for being gay. Nobody should have to fear going out, for a night of fun. This should never have happened.

It's scary though. Roxxxy Andrews and Kenya Michaels  (both Drag Race alumni) were at Pulse. Both, luckily are safe and sound. But, so many were not so fortune.

We can blame who we like...the Islams, the President, the Republicans and the NRA, the Democrats, or whomever. But, the truth is, until we stop trying to place blame on this person or that, we will never make any progress, and tragedies like this will continue to be the norm in our society.

What needs to happen, is that we need to look at what current policies are. We need to find a way to protect our own people. If someone is a two time FBI person of interest, they probably shouldn't be allowed to buy a gun.  (Just my opinion.) And, we, as one of the "Super Powers of the World," need to stop sitting idly by, while we are being attacked on our own soil.  Vigilance is not a bad thing.

What Does the Fox Say?

When you're out and about and get Friday the 13th tattoos with your closest drag queen friends, there has to be a story...right!?

A photo posted by Steve Dixon (@dragged2inside) on May 14, 2016 at 11:07am PDT

Last weekend was a busy, crazy and fun weekend. Basically, everything that I needed after getting bad news about job prospects.

Friday night, we had the Portland Pride Launch Party. I had been asked to take pictures, in exchange for free admission for me, Shaunna Rai and Miss E,on. At least, that's how it was supposed to work. As with the party last year, I had to walk about three blocks to get there after parking. Only to find out that there was nothing for us...so needless to say, Shaunna wasn't happy.  And, it was my responsibility to fix it.

We ended up paying for our tickets, then got reimbursed. Not ideal, but it worked. The launch party was fun. Shaunna was announced along with Cherry Lemonade and drag king Jack Hardness as the judges for the Pride parade. There were so many performances, and I basically was glued to the camera and didn't really interact with anyone...although, my flame glitter beard did get noticed by the MC and I got a shout out.

The night finally was over and I could put the camera away. A few of the other drag queens were going to Styxx, for drinks, so we went along.

As it was Friday the 13th, it turned out to be a very interesting, fun night.

Shortly after going to Styxx, we were told about a shop that was doing tattoos for $20 for as long as they had a line. So, what happens? A troupe of drag queens descended on Lucky's Tattoos. Gigi Gabor had called ahead to see if they were still open, and when she told them that they would be getting a group of queens coming in, they couldn't turn it down.

So, we left Styxx and walked to the tattoo parlor. Shaunna said she would pay for mine, since I'd paid for drinks. We got there, and they said that they were going to cut off just before I would have been able to go. Gigi, Cherry, Shaunna, E,on and Lady Ginger went to sign their lives away as far as paperwork went. I have been wanting another tattoo for a while, especially since I paid for Dan to get one for Valentine's day. So, when she said they wouldn't be taking any more people, I advocated for myself and asked. And, because I was with the queens, I lucked out.

Since we now had a place in line, we headed down the street to Studio 55. And, we ended up closing the club. So, we headed back to the parlor. Jacinda  (who came in boy form) and I had to run to move our cars so they wouldn't get towed.

Finally, we hunkered down for the night...or morning...since it was like 2am by now. There were still a few people ahead of us. The tv was on, and it was sports. Shaunna complained that queens don't care about sports. The tv eventually listened, and changed to some kind of nature show.

"What the fuck!?" I looked up to see people shoot a hippo, and then butcher it on air. What the fuck, indeed. Once that was over, Wild America, a show from the 80's came on. And, again, dying animals...this time at the hands...teeth of other animals.

Finally, it was time to get tattooed. Gigi was first. When talking about what people were going to get, she had said she would be getting the number 207, to represent her Maine drag sisters. I thought that was awesome. 

E,on got the Deathly Hallows (from Harry Potter).

Ginger was excited, because this would be her first tattoo. She got a diamond, with the number 13.

Cherry got a two for one design. She combined a cherry and a lemon, to represent...well...herself.

Shaunna decided to get a key...on her butt cheek...and made sure everyone knew that it was the key to unlock her asshole. Little did she know that it actually unlocked the asshole in someone else. The guy who was supposed to do her key refused to tattoo her ass. So, she got a cool woman instead. The tattooer had to rip Shaunna's tights to do it. And, admitted afterward that it was two firsts for her that night...the first ass she ever tattoed, and the first drag queens she had ever tattooed.

And finally, I got a fox. The guy who refused to do Shaunna's ended up doing mine. And, I think he took out frustration on me during my linework...it hurt way more than the coloring did.

While the fox really doesn't have a drag related story...other than it was done with five queens in full drag...it does have a story, other than that it's cute and looks like something I would draw.

The fox is kind of a spirit animal of sorts...and the story of why is kinda morbid. I was picking a client up from work, and got behind another car. A fox ran out in front of the first car, and was hit and killed. But, before it died, it locked eyes with me. I've been drawn to foxes ever since.

By the time we were done, it was just about 4am. Which normally wouldn't be an issue...except we were doing the Zumba weekend starting at 9am. By the time we got home to go to sleep it was 5am. I still had to wash off my glitter beard and didn't get to sleep until almost 6. Only to be woken up 2 hours later, for a full day of running, taking pictures at the Zumba retreat.

But, it was so worth staying up all night. Because, I mean, really...who else can say, honestly, that they got tattooed with five drag queens on Friday the 13th? I'm willing to bet the number of people who can, is pretty small.

What Would You Say?

Recently, a friend of ours said to me, "I never know what to say, when I see your posts about what's going on with work and unemployment."  The truth is, I don't know either.

A few years ago, after the breakup with my ex, I decided that my social media accounts needed to have a happier vibe...because, quite honestly, I can now see, in hindsight, just how unhappy I was.  It lasted a while.  I started to post about the things I was discovering about myself.  I started taking chances on things that I normally wouldn't have done.  And, when Dan and I started to date, a lot of things started to change.

I was being encouraged to do things that I loved.  Drawing, taking pictures, writing. I have experienced a ton of firsts. My first professional drag show locally, my first drag show out of state, my first tattoos, and selling my first merchandise.  All, major milestones, for very different reasons.

During the time that I've been mostly unemployed, I've come to a couple of conclusions though.  My social media feeds have again begun to bring gloom and doom.  I'm angry, a lot.  And, I'm so over politics, that I can't even deal.  I've seriously begun to consider removing the facebook app from my phone, because I'm just over it.  For every positive post, that makes me laugh, there are 100 that make me want to punch something.

It's not just social media.  Although, that does play a big part in it.  I'm in a place of feeling like a failure in my life.  My job is a joke, and while I'm trying to find something better, I keep getting rejected.  I have far too much time to spend with myself, and that's when all the demons come out to play.

I've used time to do the art thing, and the graphic design stuff.  And, while I love doing it, even that's been getting on my nerves.  If I'm commissioned to do something for pay, I don't want to be yanked around, waiting to see if I'm going to get paid.  By the same token, if I'm doing something for you for free, like a show poster, I need information before I start...because I can make things up...but it's probably not going to be what you want...and putting me on ice, while you decide, is a good way to convince me that it's not worth taking my time for you.

That being said, my blog here, will continue, like it always does.  Sporadically.  Because sometimes I feel like saying something.  And sometimes I don't.  And, sometimes I do, but I know that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings if I say what's really on my mind...so I keep quiet.

My Instagram feed Stevedjr (the personal one) is going to have selfies, random crap, and art stuff.  The Dragged2Inside Instagram feed is going to continue the way it has been with collages from shows, show posters, and drag related artwork..

The facebook page for Dragged to the Inside is going to remain much like it is...with drag related or trans related or gay related stuff, pictures from as many shows as I can get to...basically what it's always been.  And, my personal page....well, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it.  I won't delete it, because I have too many contacts and too much time invested in it.  But, I may step away from it for a while.  Because, the last thing I want to do, while I'm feeling down, is to bring everyone else down with me.  I don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time.