The Danish Girl

When I initially heard that Eddie Redmayne would be playing a transgender woman, and that before the movie was even released, there was talk of him winning an Oscar for his portrayal of the artist Lili Elbe, I was intrigued.  And, more so the first time I saw a picture of him in drag for the role.

Obviously, I was going into this superficially, because everything that I've seen him in, I've liked.  I knew nothing about the actual story of Lili Elbe.  (I feel like I'd heard the name, and probably had seen her work in art school.) So, the movie itself, was a teaching moment for me, both in terms of art history, and a historic moment in transgender, medical and sexual history.

It's very difficult to talk about what happens in the movie, without first giving a spoiler alert...although, a tiny bit of Googling will give you all the information that you need to know about Einar Wegener, Lili Elbe and Gerda Wegener.

Eddie Redmayne as Einar Wegener, in one of the most

important scenes in the movie (in my opinion).

Einar Wegener and his wife Gerda were both painters in Denmark in the 1920's.  In the early part of the movie, we see that Einar has a flourishing career, while Gerda is struggling to have her paintings displayed.  Gerda asks Einar to pose in place of a model who had cancelled on her.  He agrees to pose, with a dress, although, he won't put it on.  And, in one of the most poignant moments in the film, he sees that Lili (who has always been inside him) could become a reality. While holding the dress up, wearing shoes and stockings, he runs his finger over the fabric of the dress, in such a way, that you almost see it dawning on him, that Lili has awakened. Gerda actually puts him in face for the first time, for a party, and things go from there.  Lili eventually becomes a muse for Gerda, and the tables turn.  Gerda becomes the one with a career, and Einar/Lili struggle to find a balance and figure out "What is wrong" with Einar.

Gerda's agent recommends that Einar see a doctor, who may be able to help.  And, for the first time, the idea of Lili taking over Einar's life, becomes a reality.  Magnus Hirschfeld (whose name I recognized from Season 2 of Transparent) was the doctor responsible for the first surgery. 

(According to the movie he was also responsible for the subsequent surgeries, as well...although, everything I've seen elsewhere, says otherwise.)  Whether the movie, or the book it's based on are historically accurate, or not, it was an amazing movie. 

Einar Wegener (l.) and Lili Elbe (r.)

Lili Elbe was one of (if not THE) first people to undergo a sex reassignment surgery.  Given the timeline of the 1920-30's this was amazing.  (Especially, given the fact that the first surgery that I knew of, previous to this, was Christine Jorgensen's in the 1950's.) 

Now that I've seen the movie, my next goal is to read the book.  Because, the book is always better than the movie.  Although, despite all the flack that it got for putting yet another cis-gender male in the part of a transgender female, I don't really have a lot of issues with it. 

****Spoiler****

While it was groundbreaking enough, to have had the sex reassignment surgery, to begin with, the story that was not told fully in the movie, was of the final surgery, that ultimately killed Lili.  While Einar was born male, Lili fully wished, after her transition to be able to bear children.  And, the doctor who performed the surgery was trying to fulfill her wishes.  What ultimately lead to the death of Lili Elbe was her body rejecting a uterine transplant.  And, unfortunately, the movie itself fell into the old prophecy of death, by the repeated uttering of the phrases, "Everything will be ok," and "She'll be fine."  The minute they started those phrases, I knew that she was a goner, and that I was going to be left feeling like it was all for nothing.

As with anything that I watch with transgender characters, it left me with a lot more questions that I don't know how to ask, or if I'll ever get answers for.  The biggest being: "What is it like to be in a relationship with someone, when they begin to transition?", "What does a spouse of a trans person feel in the initial moment when they state that they want to begin transitioning?"  and, "What amount of surgery does it take, for a trans person to feel like they have fully transitioned?"

I can only imagine that the answers to all of those questions widely vary, based on the people involved.  And, the only reason I have the questions, is because I'm very much interested in educating myself.  With the number of people I know who are trans, you would think that I would just ask point blank, but, I don't want to be offensive with the amount that I don't know, by asking things that are inappropriate.  But, for all the answers that the movie gave me, it left me with more questions.  (The funniest being whether or not Eddie Redmayne was a dancer, because throughout the movie, he walked very gracefully, both as Einar and as Lily, like a dancer.)

So, if you haven't seen it, you should.  It's a great movie.  Educational, beautiful, and heartbreaking.

Malice in Wonderland

The Screaming Queens show is an important show in my history with Shaunna Rai. I met Shaunna Rai and company for the first time at a Screaming Queens show. And, although she was performing that night, it was technically my first date with Dan, as well. The show itself is a benefit, to raise money for the Down East AIDS Network, and it usually makes a good amount of money.

So when Shaunna said she would be participating again this year, it was kind of exciting. It would be almost like reliving our first date. Sort of. Although, a lot has changed since then.

A couple days before (or maybe the night before, because I don't remember exactly) we made a trip to go see Benni (Miss E,on) for last minute costume fittings. And, as usual I was amazed at what the end result was for each outfit. Even though there was no hair, so I kinda had to imagine what Shaunna would look like in them when Dan was trying them on.

The day of the show, we ran around a little bit. Shaunna was going to do what she did for the Drag Me to Hell show, and buy some shot glasses and have the bar make shots for everyone. (Unfortunately, with the glasses that we found, there weren't enough.)

Finally, it was time to go pick up E,on, and head to Waterville. I made sure to load the address into the GPS, for the drive. And, we were on our way. We made really good time getting into Waterville. So good, in fact, that we had time to go shopping.  We stopped at Mardens, and looked around. We also stopped at Kmart, and again found the shot glassss, but, still too few, since we hadn't bought the ones we had seen earlier.

Unfortunately, for me, the GPS believes that Champions (the venue) is a little dive place on Elm Street. And, in spite of putting in the exact address, I was accused of punching in the wrong address, and screwing up the afternoon. (Needless to say, after that, I was overly thrilled to have come. Note the sarcasm dripping from that statement.) E,on, fortunately got us there. It turned out that I had taken the wrong exit, and that messed everything up. But, in my defense, I was doing what the GPS told me to do.

Once we were finally there, it went pretty smoothly. I unloaded the car, and got the girls situated. We got there early, because Shaunna Rai doesn't do late. Just behind us was Miss JoAnn, in her new RV. Just as she was getting settled in to start painting, with the girls she remembered that she had forgotten her headdress. The Queen of Spades won't look much like she's supposed to if she doesn't have a spade headdress, right?

So, I got volunteered to go with her husband, to Arundel  (on the other side of the state) to go grab it, before the show started. Now, I have known Russ for a few years, because of Miss JoAnn, but, I don't recall ever having heard him speak, much less having had a conversation with him. So, it was going to make for a very long trip.

It was, much as I expected it to be...quiet. I was lost in my head. So, when Russ spoke up and showed me where he and Miss JoAnn had met, I was surprised. Also, by how they met, and the brief history of what it was like to be gay before I was anywhere near ready to come out. 

We got to Arundel, and I had time to shoot out an Instagram update, while he grabbed the headpiece, before we turned around, and I drove like a maniac to get back before the show started. On the ride back, I retreated into my head again, thinking, for most of thr return trip how, I'm sitting with my future in 30 years or so, right next to me. Russ was super sweet. He refilled what we had used for gas in Biddeford, and then had me top it off when we got back to Waterville.

We made it back with plenty of time before the show. I ran over to McDonald's to grab a burger, so I wouldn't be drinking on an empty stomach. (Since I had been warned that if I passed out, I was going to be left behind.) 

I went inside, and got a hug from Paul, one of the creators of the Screaming Queens show, and he told me that he was putting a drink on his tab for me, for making the trip to Arundel. (Being a lightweight drinker, I only paid for one drink for myself for the night.) 

When the doors opened, I led my parents to the VIP tables, that were literally on the edge of the stage. (Halfway through the show, I felt bad, because where they chose to sit, they got to see a lot of the backsides of the queens.) Meanwhile, I was off running around, trying to get great shots and fending off the professional photographers who had been asked to take pictures of the show.

Valerie Honeywell opened up the show, as hostess (and shared it off and on through the night with LaWanda). 

Shaunna Rai opened the show with a mix performance. It was Alice themed music, and very difficult to follow...which, is somewhat fitting, considering the source material. The dress and apron outfit was cute, and Shaunna's giant white bow just kinda made it work. And, Shaunna being the tear away queen, had a dance outfit on underneath. 

Miss JoAnn followed. If I remember correctly, she did a number from Cabaret...which didn't really go with the Alice theme. But, seeing the headpiece in action made it totally worth the drive to get it. The queen of Spades didn't really come across without it. 

The queen of hearts, herself was up next. LaWanda has so much energy on stage, that she exhausts me. Toward the end of her number, her wig fell off. (I'm not entirely sure that this was accidental, so much as it is a way to say, "just so you didn't forget, I'm a man in a dress.")

The Mad Hatter, Miss E,on, was up next. Her song was also a mix, that included "They're Coming to Take Me Away". Totally an E,on number, to be sure.

At this point, LaWanda took over the mic, to introduce Valerie. Valerie came out in a tear away, that I'm pretty sure belonged to Ariel Gibbs, a close friend of Shaunna's, who passed away over the summer. Valerie was the White Rabbit.

ClubKid MizzDiveena, the Cheshire Cat was up next. Her makeup was great. It was a little reminiscent of the skeleton makeup Shaunna had done a week or two earlier, but it worked for the character. 

Valerie came back out, and introduced a couple members of the Down East AIDS Network, to say a few words about what Screaming Queens is all about, and where the money goes, and all that.

LaWanda was back, I'm pretty sure that this number was Juice Newton's Queen of Hearts song. You would think that I would remember, because I was lip syncing to it along with her.

Shaunna was back for another mix, and another tear away, leaving her in a fringe dance outfit.

Miss JoAnn followed, with Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I was actually really happy with pictures I got of this number. Over the years, I haven't been able to get a lot of really good pictures of her, because lighting in most of the places I've seen her at, has been, well, sub par. 

Valerie was up, with her Bunny ears this time. Followed by E,on and Diveena. Diveena brought out the headpiece that she had worn for Dragapalooza last spring. 

LaWanda came out for her final number, which was made more interesting, by a shirtless Paul, with a leather harness and Bunny ear mask, following her around like a puppy dog. 

Shaunna's final number was Pink's The King Is Dead (But the Queen is Alive). Alice got the upper hand, and took off the Red Queen's head...or so we are left to imagine.

Valerie closed out the show, with a little Celine Dion. I was getting tired, and glad the show was almost over, because throughout the show, I had been running back to check on my parents, and then back out to get the best pictures I could. 

At one point during my running, I was stopped and asked if I was Steve Dixon. I thought it was odd, but, I have developed a small following,  so, not that odd. It turned out that the guy who asked was a guy I had gotten a picture of at the Halloween party at the Westin,  and he wanted to thank me for it. 

They opened the floor up for dancing, once the show was over. I started the back and forth of bringing drag bags back to the car. I definitely got a work out, because I didn't find out until the very last trip that I could have saved some energy by going an alternate route, instead of through the main dance floor area.

Finally we were ready to go. We said goodbye to my parents,  and headed to McDonald's,  so that Dan and Benni could get something to eat before we made the trek back home.

It was a crazy night. And I believe,  the final number for funds raised for the night was right around $4000. So, definitely worth it.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Everyone, at some point in their life has dealt with some type of bullying. From teasing, to name calling, to mental and physical abuse and worse. 

Now, imagine on your very worst day of being bullied, that it never gets better. The bully never gets tired, and gives up. The one bully turns into multiple bullies, leading you to feel that the only way out is suicide. Or, you aren't even given the choice of a way out, because your bully finally decides to kill you.

This is a reality for trans people every day. 

You may think that it's funny to call that trans woman a she - male or shim. But, it's not cute, it's not funny. It's hurtful. 

You may think that it's okay to whisper about how that trans man has a really big chest, or that that trans woman looks like a man. But, it's not. They hear these comments daily. 

All these things add stress to a life that is already difficult enough to live. Not everyone is a Carmen Carrera or Caitlyn Jenner. Not everyone who transitions is going to have an easy transition. And, these are the people who most need our support. These are the people who are more likely to attempt suicide, or be successful in their attempts. And, these are the people who are most likely to be murdered for being who they are. 

I will admit, I know very little about being trans, aside from what I've gathered from watching I Am Cait and I Am Jazz. I have been following a transition via blog on Google+. But, I have yet to have a trans friend allow me to ask questions to get answers that would help me educate myself.

And, in spite of knowing that today is Transgender Day of Remembrance, I have not done my research about any of those who have been lost over the last year. 

If things had worked out differently, a couple of months ago, I would have had today off, and been able to attend one of the many candlelight vigils going on around the state today. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way, and the closest one to me, in Lewiston/Auburn, will be taking place just as I leave work tonight. While it means nothing to say that I will be there in spirit, my mind is there more than it is focused on my work today.

So until the numbers of trans losses start going down, all the way to zero, it is important to have a day of Remembrance.  Nobody should fear for their life, in order to live their true life. 

Get Educated: Why Charlie Sheen's Status is Important

If you had told me five years ago, that I would be trying to educate about HIV,  and that it would be in response to Charlie Sheen's admission of his status, I would never have believed you. But, it appears, that that is exactly where my life is headed.

As recently as 4 years ago, I was guilty of shaming those who are living with HIV. Due to my own ignorance, at the time, I just figured that it was someone's own fault if they were exposed to it.

It bothered me less that a well known celebrity was admitting, openly that he is HIV positive than it did when I started seeing responses to this admission.

Multiple times, I saw things like, "He deserves it," or "What took so long for him to get it?" I saw a couple of, "Aww so sad that you're so sick, you'll be missed," as if he had died the moment he "came out" (for lack of a better term). And, my favorite stupid response was, "Well, this is all just a publicity stunt."

I was very young when the initial AIDS epidemic hit in the 80's. I remember in elementary school hearing about Ryan White and his having died from this disease called AIDS. But, being in a place like Maine, those things happen in other places. But, I remember the fear that anything could give you AIDS.

It wasn't until the 90's when I actually met someone who was HIV positive. He was a friend of my Uncle's. He worked in a hospital lab, and was infected by a needle stick. By this time I was in high school, and had a lot of questions that I wanted to ask, and probably should have. But, he wasn't someone I really knew, and it's rude to ask people questions about their health...or so I felt at the time.

In 1998, I had my first scare. I had hooked up with a guy, who afterward, freaked out on me, and told me that I had given him AIDS. And, I believed that I had. It led me into a tailspin. I had AIDS (or so I thought), so, therefore, I was going to die. It was the scariest time of my life. I knew nothing about testing. I knew nothing of the treatments that were available. What I knew of HIV/AIDS, I had picked up from the play RENT.

It wasn't until right around the time of my breakup with my ex that HIV hit very close to home. One of my good friends outed his status to me. I had so many questions for him. And, I was so scared for him, because I was still totally ignorant on the topic of HIV. 

Shortly after that, I went on a couple dates with a guy, who felt comfortable enough to share his status with me. It was his choice for us to remain friends, and not pursue anything romantic. But, he was the first person to really give me information about the virus, transmission of it, and treatments.  It was also the first time I had heard a name that I know we'll now, The Frannie Peabody Center.

After a really bad date and a bunch of self-loathing, I once again had convinced myself I had HIV. (I swear I'm not that much of a hypochondriac anymore.) My friend Nelson took me to Portland, to the Frannie Peabody Center, to get myself tested. When I had received my negative status the first time, it was with a blood draw. So, you can imagine my surprise when I found out it was only going to take 20 minutes and a mouth swab to get results. And, finding out that even if the result came back positive, Frannie would be able to help me get treatment and information, it was a relief.

The 20 minutes it took to get those results were the worst minutes of my life. I think I cried before I found out the results. I know I wanted to puke. And, when it was time for me to go, it almost pissed me off that they would not allow my support person to come in with me. (I get it now, but, at the time, I hated them.) And, when it came back as negative, I had worn myself out so much that I didn't really have the energy to celebrate.

Fast forward to meeting Dan and Shaunna Rai. My first "real date" with the two of them, was at Screaming Queens, a fundraiser for the Eastern Maine AIDS Network. Followed up over the last few years by a ton of events with the Frannie Peabody Center. I have gathered information here and there. I have been educated, and done my best to educate myself about HIV and AIDS.

So, why all this information about my experience with HIV and what does it have to do with Charlie Sheen and the responses online?

Honestly, I feel like in order to teach something, you have to know something about what you want to teach. Otherwise, you're just making things up. So, giving an idea of what my life experiences are, shows that I have some idea of what I'm talking about...although, I would still be remiss to think that I know all there is to know.

So, why do I believe that we needed to have Charlie Sheen out himself?  Well, we're living in a post-epidemic world. People have gotten complacent and lazy when it comes to protecting themselves. We live in a world where people would rather point fingers than to take responsibility for their actions. So, it was time for someone to say, "Hey, if it could happen to me, it can happen to anyone."

In his Today Show interview, Charlie made it seem as though he will step up to the plate as an advocate for people living with HIV. I hope he does.

Whether you love him or hate him, he started conversations that we should have been having all along.  People believe that there is a cure for AIDS. (There still is not, in spite of all the research being done.) People believe that it is still a death sentence.  (It is not. People live normal, healthy lives with the proper treatments.) HIV cannot be transmitted by drinking from the same glass, kissing, or using a public toilet. It can be transmitted through an exchange of bodily fluids. And, it can be prevented. PEP and PrEP are both available as a former of prevention, either pre or post-exposure. And, the most reliable of all, is the condom.

I can't imagine that this is a publicity stunt for Charlie Sheen. What publicist in their right mind would say, "You know what, you're on a downward spiral, so to boost your career, you should get HIV, then go public about it." And, he's not dead, yet. He stands to live a normal life with the treatments he has been receiving. Nobody deserves a diagnosis of something as life changing as HIV, and it's horrible to think that people would wish it on anyone.

So, I can only hope that Charlie Sheen will step up to the plate and start advocating and teaching. Whether he does or not, remains to be seen.

(I'm not going to get into all the lawsuits he is facing, because, that is not something I would be able to speak about with any knowledge. )

But, I will do my part to spread knowledge, and hopefully help end the stigma that surrounds HIV, and those who deal with it on a daily basis. If I can change one person's mind, by teaching, and rid some of the ignorance in the world, I will have done my job. If I can reach multiple people, and do the same, well, it will be icing on the cake.

So, get tested and know your status. (Which reminds me, I'm probably due for a test myself.)

Fight the ignorance, educate yourself. And, get tested regularly. Help put an end to HIV.

#PrayForTheWorld

The post that originally inspired this blog post.

I generally avoid anything political in any way, just because I don't like forcing my opinion on politics on anyone.  But, I want to address everything that's been going on in the world over the last week.

For more than a week, all we heard about was the Starbucks cups.  Starbucks (my coffee of choice) is now anti-Christmas, and therefore anti-Christian, if you believe the hype.  So much so, that apparently, a Photoshop color picker will bring up the red color as #4666, therefore, the cups are a representation of the devil.  And, if you turn the cup just right, in the right lighting, the shadow, along with the logo, make the symbol of a 6.  So, this has been a battle in the media, and social media for a week, or so now.  A little ridiculous, right.

Now, this was covered, ad nauseum, everywhere.  And, over the last few years, a lot of people I follow on Social Media, have professed conspiracy theories, that whenever something stupid like this takes over the news, it's because there's a lot of big stuff going on, that they're not reporting on.  And, for the longest time, I thought that they were just crazy, when they said that kind of thing.  Why wouldn't the media cover ALL the stories that need to be told, and then throw in stupid little stories about cups as filler on slow news days?  That's what I would do.

Last night, though, I was kind of rocked by just how controlled information is.  At about 5pm, last night, my Facebook and Instagram feeds were starting to fill up with the hashtag #prayforparis. I hadn't seen anything about the attacks yet, so, I did what I always do, and started researching what was going on.  By the time the nightly news at 6:30PM came on, I was already up to date, and knew as much, if not more than what the news anchors did.

In my research though, I found a number of other hashtags that I knew nothing about. #prayforjapan #prayforbeirut #prayforbaghdad.  Apparently, at the same time that the shootings were going on, Japan had just had a 7.0 or 7.1 undersea earthquake, with the threat of a tsunami.  Prior to both, Beirut was bombed, two days earlier, and a bomb went off inside a FUNERAL in Baghdad.  And, I knew nothing about any of it.  Because it wasn't covered.  However, a big deal was made of the assassination of Jihad Johnny, all day prior to the shootings in Paris.

So, what does any of this have to do with drag related stuff?  Well, not a whole lot.  The post was actually brought on by a couple of other posts I had seen, berating people for only caring about Paris, only caring about "White people", and feeling the need to say to people that "It's all well and good to pray for them, but it really doesn't do them any good."  And, I figured that this was as good a time as any, to step up on my soapbox, and say my piece.  Agree or disagree with me, that's your decision, and I'll gladly discuss it with you.

My heart really, and truly does go out to anyone, anywhere who has been affected by violence of any sort.  Yes, I may be middle class, white, gay, privileged, male, American, but, I live paycheck to three days before the next paycheck, and can't always donate my money to actually help out, because, well, bills have to be paid, and food needs to be bought, and I need gas to get back and forth to work.  So, while it may not be doing any physical good for someone to know that I'm sending love and healing their way, it may help mentally.

But, the post that I got so offended by (and yes, I did get offended by it, before fully reading through it,) got me thinking.  When I posted to instagram, with a #PrayersforParis, picture, I knew nothing about the other hashtags, that I could and should have used.  So, I'm not wrong in what I posted.  Nor, am I wrong, in changing my Facebook profile picture, by giving it a French flag overlay.  But, people are going to say that I am, and I'm a follower.

The truth of the matter, is that someone needs to bring attention to these senseless acts of violence.  Whether it's a bombing or a shooting, or even a case of domestic violence, NONE of it has a place in this world.

I'm sure there are others that I have missed,
so, #prayforeveryone

It makes me sad to see statistics outside of the terrorist attacks, like this, that a trans person is killed every 29 hours.  And, what's worse, is when someone starts to stand up for the rights of the community, they are told they're a disgrace, and know nothing about what they're bringing attention to.  (Yes, I'm referring to Caitlyn Jenner, here.) For a person, who for 65 years, was what would be considered a privileged, white, rich, Republican, male, to more or less admit on national television that he was female, and then, to admit again, that she was going to have to rethink her old ways of thinking, with all the new information that she was gathering, I think that's brave as hell.  And, when people fighting for the same cause you are, tell you you're doing it wrong, it makes you wonder, what's the point?

The point, is, there is too much violence, and not enough planning, to cut down on it.  And, when the discussion comes up about how to fix it, there's always someone getting offended.  I'm not saying that we need to get rid of guns.  I'm not saying that you don't have a right to disagree with anything that anyone says.  But, until we get a handle on how to get along, we're going to continue to have these hashtags of #PrayForWhatever, and the people who say you're being unfair, because you forgot this, that and the other thing.

That, being said, maybe I am a Sheeple.  Maybe, by playing my middle class, American male privilege, I'm just being another dumb American who really is doing nothing but writing about how to make himself feel better about his life, when in reality other people have lost theirs.  But, maybe, I can start a conversation, which will make people think about what's really important in life.  Because the sooner, we start thinking about the important things, and can move away from the things that people kill over, that's when we as a human race are going to make some progress.

You Don't Know What It's Like...

Me as Liz Taylor from AHS: Hotel

Halloween had never really been my holiday, since I was a kid. When I was a kid, I loved it. Dressing up, pretending I was someone else. It was the gay boy holiday. You spend so much time pretending you're someone different, that it's nice to be able to dress the part and get away with it.

I outgrew Halloween when I was about 14. I wasn't popular enough to get invited to Halloween parties. So, I would go out trick or treating with my brother and the girls across the road. And, that was when I found out that I had aged out of Halloween. Someone said, "what are you doing, you're too old for trick or treating." And, that was it.

Dan has asked me every year what I was going to do for Halloween, and every year, I put off making a decision until the last minute, when it's almost too late to do anything about a costume. This year, though, American Horror Story : Hotel happened. More specifically, Liz Taylor happened.

Madame Sheena, ClubKid MizzDiveena, Shaunna Rai, Miss E,on

I've avoided doing any kind of drag, mainly because I know what goes into it, how much work it is, and most importantly, I have worried that I would like it more than I should.  But, the Character of Liz Taylor wouldn't be drag exactly.  When the suggestion was made that I could do her, it wouldn't let go. I wouldn't have a lot of makeup, and could do it myself, for the most part. The wardrobe was simple. The worst part was going to be the shoes.

For the first time ever, I asked Benni (Miss E,on to make me something. I had to have Liz Taylor's flowy wrap thing, in order to make the character believable.

My Minions, Mom and Dad

I spent three weeks walking around in heels that used to belong to Raquel Blake, that were too big for Shaunna Rai. I found out the hard way that falling in heels is one of the worst things in the world. Especially when the heels make you almost 7 feet tall... The ground is a long way down.

Miss E,on

Finally, the night was here. Halloween. Shaunna Rai started her makeup. I shaved everything that would potentially be visible, including my head. Once that was over, it was a matter of throwing on what makeup I would need, and some lashes. I did the lipstick and eyeshadow myself. Dan/Shaunna did my lashes and liner. (We almost glued my eye shut, but, it worked itself out.)

Shaunna Rai

And, it was time to head to Portland. We stopped to pick up Miss E'on and Stephan and his partner, Devin. Devin was excited, because this would be his first drag show. We all ended up squeezed into the back seat of
Stephan's car. The ride there was long. Once we got into Portland,  it became a matter of finding a place to park. And, I got on the wrong side of Shaunna's mood, when I didn't speak up soon enough, because Shaunna couldn't see with her blackout contacts.

I finally found a parking lot around the block, and we were on out way. We got to the Westin in plenty of time. Chris O showed us where the girls would be getting ready. We brought the bags back, and I took Stephan and Devin back out to try to get their bracelets...only we were still way too early.

Chris O

And, given the fact that I was walking around in boy clothes with my face a made up, I was feeling weird, and decided that if the guys were ok, I would go get ready, and change into Liz Taylor. 

Once I was in the costume and heels, it was like I was a different person. I kinda understood for the first time how it was that Shaunna Rai comes out of Dan's mouth once a certain amount of makeup goes on. Nobody really notices Steve. But, everyone was watching Liz. 

Madame Sheena

While I was trying to not kill myself with the 8 inch heels, people stopped me to ask for a picture. Not because I had a camera, but, because they wanted to take a picture with me in it. It was literally one of the most surreal nights of my life.

On my way into the ballroom, to get directions about what was expected from pictures, I was stopped and asked if I would be participating in the costume contest. I hadn't really thought about it, mainly because I was there to "work." But, I figured, "what the Hell, you only live once, and if I stand a chance of winning,  why not?"

My parents showed up, and we're in partial costume. They asked about the bathrooms, so I pointed them in the right direction, and when they came back, they were Minions. Some nice person actually took a picture with all three of us..which I still have not seen anywhere...And, it was a bit awkward. While I've posed with my parents before, it has never been as awkward as it was when I was in the heels. Both of my parents at some point touched my butt.

ClubKid MizzDiveena

We all ended up with VIP bracelets. Which was cool. It meant that I had full access to everything. The VIP area was upstairs, with its own bar, and a bunch of tables. The balcony view of the dance floor was cool, and being above the chandeliers made for some nice pictures. But, I have to admit, I spent very little time in VIP. (Partly because it was hell walking up and down the stairs in the heels and a robe thing that was flowy enough that it would randomly start sliding, if I didn't hold myself just so.)

This was the first event in a long time that I spent completely sober. It was just as well, given how much trouble it would have been if I had fallen... Because, I still almost fell a number of times even without a drink. (My left ankle seems to be weaker than my right one.)

Once the doors were opened, I was dragged into the photo booth by the photographer. I got my one picture, and then went on my way, with camera out and at the ready. And, I did something that I rarely do at these events. I asked groups of people I'd I could take their pictures. And, as Shaunna has told me for years,  they all said yes..because, who doesn't want to pose for a camera? (Aside from me...)

When all four performers were finally there,  I grabbed a group picture of them. (One of the best pictures of the night.) They did their thing, and split up to mingle. Announcement was made of the agenda for the evening and DJ Jodi played music for everyone to dance to until the performances. 

Around 9:30pm, Miss E,on took the stage. About that time, some of Dan's friends from work showed up and said hi to me, before heading to the bar and to try to hunt down Shaunna.

Shaunna was up next, and I was looking forward to the song. Evanescence's Bring Me to Life. I've always loved the song, and when she said that she was doing it, I was excited. The performance went off without a hitch. 

More dancing. More pictures. I was asked by Coraline to get a picture with her. After she left, a couple of the hotel employee ladies took about a bajillion pictures of me on their phones. (More pictures that I have never seen.) 

Next up was the costume contest. Because I was supposed to be doing photos, this was stressful for me. I had no idea how I would manage to get pictures once I was on stage. Fortunately, waiting until last to go up, and being in one of the last categories, I didn't have much to worry about. Well, aside from the fact that I had been in heels for almost 3 hours, and my feet hurt and my legs were starting to get shaky.

Going up, I introduced myself as Liz Taylor, and when asked "and what are you?" I made a joke..."I'm dying to get out of these heels." The audience laughed. Unfortunately,  I was not fabulous enough to win the fabulous category. (Although, it made me feel good later, when someone told me that I was robbed, and should've won in my category.)

I totally agreed with the judges' decision that Medusa won overall. Ashley's costume was amazing. 

After it was over, I had to get rid of the heels. Literally, the pain on my feet and the wobbliness in my legs was making me sick to my stomach. I went and found our friends from the salon, and a lady, who I don't know, helped me take my shoes off. (I almost fell when I tried to do it myself.) I have a total new respect for women, who wear heels all day. And an even greater respect for drag queens, who, not only walk around in heels, but also dance, kick and do splits in heels.

Madame Sheena was up next for performing. I can't recall the name of the song. I want to say that it was from something called the Littlest Witch. Something like that.

ClubKid MizzDiveena was the final performer of the night. I knew due to her Jack Skellington costume that she had to be doing something Nightmare Before Christmas related. And, she didn't disappoint. She did a whole number to "This is Halloween."

The rest of the night was dancing. Shaunna and I caught back up with the group from the salon. Then, it was time to get changed and head out. We stopped and said goodbye to my parents. And, then it was back to the car, to head home.

On the way home we stopped at Burger King. We went inside, and I don't think that the people at the counter knew quite what to make of us. Two guys, two guys with makeup,  and Miss E,on, in full drag.

It was a great night. I has so much fun. And, I stepped so far out of my comfort zone, that it wasn't funny. But, I got an understanding for the first time, first hand, of what it's like to be a drag queen, and to get all of the attention. I would be lying if I didn't say that I actually of enjoyed the attention. I understand the draw to doing drag now. And, I'm not as immune to it as I once thought.  (But, once a year for Halloween, would be more than enough for me...since I don't perform. I can lip sync with the best, but I would be a very boring queen to watch.)

Shake It Off

If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I have more or less always kept a journal of sorts, since my family got a computer. It has always been my way of communicating what I'm doing with the people I care about.

When Dan and I first started discussing whether or not I should write about drag, it was more of a joke than anything. And, then I started to really think about what it meant to me.

I came from a place, where it wasn't ok to be gay. If you looked wrong at someone you got death threats...and yes, that did happen to me once.

So, drag was generally not a topic that was often discussed in any company. It was usually a topic to be laughed at, because, "well, those people only do that in the big city. Nobody in Maine would do that."

But, I felt that the only reason that it "wasn't okay," was just because, like so many other things, people didn't understand the reason behind it.  That it wasn't just a freakshow kind of thing.  That it is a way to do so many things.

What I didn't expect when I first started the blog though, was the intense feelings that would come from it.  The praise, and love that I've gotten, and the anger and hate that occasionally comes through. In comments, I have had someone who I know, anonymously come out to me.  I have had people tell me that I'm stupid for writing about drag, because nobody wants to read about it.  I've had people tell me that because of my blog posts, they felt like they were there.  And, I've had people tell me that I'm not a drag queen, so I have no right to write about my experience at a show.

When I started blogging about the events that I attend, it was more to remind myself of how I was feeling when I was there.  Because, for all intents and purposes, the blog is a diary, just like every blog that I've ever written.  I am very much aware of what I write, and I try my best to be kind.  I have never intentionally set out to hurt anyone's feelings.  The goal is to say what I feel, while doing the least amount of harm possible, to anyone's feelings.  It doesn't always work that way...ask Pandora Boxx...

I know from time to time, people are going to disagree with me.  I welcome that. In fact, I want that.  I want to know why I'm wrong.  And, I want people to tell me that I'm wrong, so that we can have a discussion and I can learn.  Occasionally, I will make a mistake...I may use a term, that is offensive. I want you to tell me why it's offensive.

But, know this.  The blog itself, is a learning tool.  As much a tool for anyone who knows little to nothing about drag, as it is for me to learn more about myself.  Because, to be quite honest, I've learned more about myself while writing this than I thought I would.

So, let's make this a little more interactive.  I want to hear what you want to hear from me.  I want to discuss what I've seen/done/heard at shows.  I want you to use the comments both on Google+ and on Facebook...that's why they're there.  Granted, most of the time, I'm just writing into a void, but, I watch my stats.  I know that I've got readers from here in the US, to Canada, to Russia, France and beyond.

And, just remember.  You don't have to like me.  You don't have to dislike me.  If you're still reading it, it means, for whatever reason, the blog is still relevant.

Perception is 99% of reality.  If you read something I've written, and believe that it was meant maliciously, I understand that you're going to think that I'm after something.  You have a right to that belief.  But, let me know that it makes you feel that way, before you put me to death.  It's often difficult to find the tone that an author intends with their writing.  I tend to be sarcastic, and sometimes don't come off as anything but mean.  If you question it, ask.  There's a reason, why I tend to be a little (ok a lot) self-deprecating when I write.  It's because I would rather make fun of myself, than hurt anyone else, because they thought I was making fun of them.  That's not who I am, nor is it who I want to be.

You're a Unicorn, My Dear

August 3rd is a day that I will never forget. When someone finally let's down their guard, and shows vulnerability, it's not something that you just forget.

Ariel Maranda Gibbs was a friend of Shaunna Rai's, and one of the few performers that I never got the chance to meet. I followed her on Facebook, and heard stories about her, from "Back in the day." She had a very long battle with cancer, and ultimately the morning of August 3rd, was the morning we found out that she had lost the battle.

I was up early, and had to be out the door for an 8am shift in Arundel. I had just grabbed all my stuff to head out the door when Dan came upstairs, hugged me, and told me, through tears. I remember being shocked at the news, and glad that I was there for the initial news, and feeling very awkward, because my hands were full and I didn't know whether to drop everything or continue holding it. (Ultimately I ended up doing the latter.)

Throughout the day, information poured in , and this woman who I never met, began to become a person I felt like I knew. A unicorn, of sorts... I knew of her existence, I had never seen her, but I knew that she was real.

Either that day, or a day or two later, I got a message from Diamond Dunhill asking me to submit any photos or video that I had of Ariel, as Diamond was making a video to commemorate Ariel's life.  When I had to tell Diamond that I had never really met Ariel, I realized the enormity of the loss to the community.  Ariel was a pageant girl and a former member of the Imperial Court of Massachusetts. She had been all over the country, and was well known.

When Diamond posted her video on YouTube, I had to watch it. The Link is here. Hearing her voice for the first time, and seeing her doing what she loved, was all it took. I broke down in tears, for someone I felt like I knew, through those around me.

When the day finally came for the memorial service, I was a little nervous. It was happening in Boston, and the only person I was going to know there was Dan.  And, my biggest fear, was that I was going to be out of place.  I don't do drag, and I'm not a trans person, and I wasn't family.  So, I didn't really have a place to be there, other than as Dan's support system.

The ride to Boston was uneventful, until we got to Boston. Then, we ended up going by the place. We ended up parking on the opposite side of Boston Common from the church, and walked the rest of the way.

Inside, we sat in the back row. A friend of Dan's, Colby and her wife, Lee, were there with us..so I felt a little less alone. Discussion,  before the service went to drag shows,  and the lack thereof. 

Back in the day, there was a show or benefit every month, and they lamented the fact that things have changed so much over the years.

I realized that I understood hardly anything about the Imperial Court. When a guy came in decked our in full on robe and crown, I instantly did a mind split. First I thought it was totally inappropriate for him to be in full regal dress. Then, I realized that it was part of the pageantry, part of what Ariel loved, and therefore it was totally appropriate.

I came to the conclusion during the service that I am far more awkward in social situations than I want to admit. At one point, a family member broke down, and I almost had to excuse myself so I wouldn't laugh at the dramatic sobbing.  And, when Dan broke down, I had a napkin ready, but didn't know how he would feel about a PDA so I rubbed his back, as much to make myself feel better, as to make him feel better.

After the poems, stories and songs, it was time to head out. They had everyone write a message which was tied to a balloon. As we went out, we received a balloon, to release. A number of people who had performed with her, were given tear away robes to wear while the balloons were released. Mind you, these were ruffled robes most in single colors, but a few in rainbow colors. 

The balloon release was a nice send off.

After, I faced a fear, and drove around the park, in Boston traffic. That was enough, and I made Dan drive afterward. We went to Club Cafe for the wake, or reception...whatever you want to call it.

We got there, and I got us drinks. Diamond came over, and I had no idea who he was...because I have never seen Diamond out of drag. He introduced us to a queen who had just moved to Boston.

Gigi, a member of the Imperial Court, and the official Queen of Salem came over and said hi. Having been involved in events that she was involved with, over the last two years, I was surprised when she told us that she had just figured out that Dan and I were a couple.

I met the family, and Ariel's husband. It was weird for me, because I never know what to say when I'm in that kind of a position.  So I really didn't say much of anything.

Before sitting down, I scoped out the food tables, to see if I would be able to eat anything. Then we sat with Colby and Lee and again chatted about the old times.

Eventually, they left. After, I got kind of an information overload. I forget sometimes how much drag queens talk. I found out from this one, why that one is on a shit list. I found out that this one is jealous of that one. And someone came out to me (in a manner of speaking.) The last being information that surprised me, and I hoped during the conversation that my face didn't betray me.

At last, it was time to go. I made sure we said our goodbyes. By the end of it, my head was spinning with all the stuff that I had heard.

It was a beautiful service for a truly beautiful person, who, regretfully, I never met. Through everything that I saw and heard, I feel like I actually knew her. And I got just a glimpse of how much of a loss her death was to the community, and to her friends and family.

Art Walk LA

At the end of the night at the Cancer Schmancer show, I was approached about submitting artwork to the Lewiston/Auburn Art Walk. It was totally out of the blue, and unexpected. But, Grayling asked me specifically to participate,  and show off my photography work.

Scarrlett 

Because most any kind of exposure is good exposure, I figured that I would try it. It would do one of two things...it would make me feel better about being an artist, or it would make me decide never to do it again. The whole time, my mind went back and forth about the ultimate outcome.

Deadlines flew at me, and at the last minute, it was a scramble to narrow down my thousands upon thousands of pictures to just 15.

Wanting to do things right, I did a mass tag of Facebook friends who I have photographed in the past in hopes that a few of them would say yes. The response was overwhelmingly yes, with a few, "yes, but let me see it first. I just want to approve of it."

Jacinda

Once I got all the approvals, I saved all the pictures to my desktop to save to a memory card, to take to be printed. In the meantime, I had Dan go to Goodwill to pick me up frames...which he did with little to no knowledge of what I was using for pictures. The night before delivery, I literally was finishing putting the pictures in the frames, hoping that it was all going to work out ok. 

Porcia Chanel

The night of delivery, almost didn't happen. Dan and Larry (Shaunna Rai and Leanna Love) had taken a trip to Boston in Dan's new (used) car. As I was getting ready to take the pictures to the venue, at 46 Lisbon Street, I got a call from Dan. "Hey, I know you have to drop off your pictures,  but we need to get a tow, and a ride home, we're broken down outside of the Massachusetts and New Hampshire border, by the bridge that they're fixing that I always mess with you about."

So while waiting for a message to see if I could get in to drop the pictures off earlier,  I made phone calls, and got the tow on the way. I dropped off the pictures, and made a flying trip to Massachusetts...it all turned out ok, except for the car, which was kind of a lemon.

Rainbow Frite

After much freaking out, because I had submitted 14 photos, and only delivered 13, because I had forgotten to save the final one on the laptop, I ended up with it in hand for the night of the walk.

I didn't know what to expect from the space, as it was an abandoned looking shop front, which, incidentally,  happened to be where my mom purchased her wedding gown. (Talk about a small world, right?) I waited outside for the doors to open, after grabbing the clipboard and lanyard, that said I was an official volunteer for the night.

Shaunna Rai

Finally the space opened, we got my final piece situated and food and drink set out, and people started arriving. Our venue had boxed wine, and I knew that if I was going to make this better for myself, I at least needed one glass of wine, to keep from being the guy standing in the corner trying to be as small as possible so nobody would talk to me.

The wine worked.  I was sharing the space with another photographer, who does landscape type photography and what she called her "twirl" photos (when you focus the camera on something and then twist it, making it look like you were rolling when you took the picture.  She had also come out to volunteer. The other lady, who was showing, did not come out, but had three paintings on display.

Leanna Love

The first few people who came through, just looked around, like they were in an art gallery, then left. Ivy, the other photographer and I, started talking about our work to each other. I was surprised that none of her stuff was for sale, because it was really good. She told me that her goal was to let people see what they could do themselves, with Goodwill frames and a point and shoot camera. That was why she wasn't going to sell them. Well, that along with the feeling that art is a very personal thing, and sometimes it's hard to part with.

Cecelia Grace

She asked me, and I was asked many times through the night, how I got into the field of portraiture. I did a bunch of plugging for the blog, which as of now, appears to not have done any good...(Probably because, with everything I remembered,  the business cards were what I forgot.) I went on to explain that the pictures had chosen had been my favorites out of a ton of choices over the last four years or so.

Miss E,on

People finally started asking me questions, or just talking to me. One gentleman, an older guy, I had to correct his terminology, and explain the difference between drag, cross dressing and transgender. This was a very long conversation. He had heard a story on NPR, about a drag queen, who became addicted to her drag personal so much, that she basically had to kill her drag career, to keep her real life. (It seemed far fetched to me, but, what do I know. Stranger things have happened.) We then moved on to trans women. He told me the story of a professor at Bowdoin College (I think) who had written a book about her transition, and this gentleman thought that the whole thing was amazing. I thought it was cool that he told me the story.  He eventually moved on, and left.

Lili Whiteass

A bear couple (for anyone not in the know, a burly, gay couple, presumably with a lot of body hair, and usually facial hair) came up and told me how great the pictures were, and asked where they could see a show, without having to drive all the way to Portland. They explained that they had moved from down in the south (Baltimore, I think), where they could go to a show anytime they wanted. I explained that the drag scene in Maine is dwindling, but promoted an upcoming show at the Elks Club in Lewiston. I'm hoping to see them there.

Diamond Dunhill

There were a lot of people who legit thought that all the pictures were of real women. There were a few who, upon realizing that the pictures they were looking at were male, turned and booked it out of the venue. And, an overwhelming amount of people who either knew the queens or had actually been to the shows. These were the ones I enjoyed talking to the most. These were the people asking how did you get such good pictures, and where can I see them in person? I took that time to plug upcoming shows, and lament the lack of shows in the area. This was when I realized that I want to do something about the lack of drag in Maine. (Not that I know what to do, where to start, or how to make something happen, but it gave me a starting point. )

Cherry Lemonade

As the night wore down, and came to a close, I stopped for a minute to think about all the stuff I had accomplished. First, I had a showing of my work, for the first time ever. Second, I did all of it on my own. Third, I talked about what I do with total strangers, and didn't get much of a negative response. And, last, but certainly not least...I'd on fact, most important, I had a hell of a lot of fun. And kind of want to do it again next year.

Bunny Wonderland

Yes, occasionally, I need someone to light a fire under my ass, to get me going. And, there's a good possibility that I may buck it the whole way, because I'm scared. But, I really need to just remember that I am my own worst enemy, and that I need to just do things, instead of worry about the bad things that could happen. Because, truthfully, the things I worry about rarely come to fruition,  and then I've spent so much energy worrying that I have none when it comes time to have fun.

ClubKid MizzDiveena

Oh, and Bunny Wonderland, just so you know, this picture of you actually sold.  Granted, it was to my mom, but...

Remembering the Underground

In the grand scheme of things, in terms of the gay community,  I'm about preschool age as a gay man. Looking back on my life, I find that by settling down at 19, I missed out on a lot of the "scene", during my 20's and very early 30's. There is so much history that I have been learning about Portland's, Lewiston's, Augusta's and Bangor's gay history. And, now, there is only Portland left with any semblance of a gay bar, until you head south.

Miss JoAnn

So, when the announcement was made that Styxx was going to host a show called Remembering The Underground, it was one I wanted to go to. The premise, being that years ago, the space now known as Styxx was another business, called The Underground (fitting, as the club/bar is in the basement of the building, therefore it is Underground).

Back in the day, they had shows there all the time. Queens from Boston would come and perform. There was always a line around the corner, just to get in.

This was going to be a #throwbackthursday on a live stage. The queens would be performing music from the '90's and reminiscing about the old days, and some of the Queens and Kings who have either stopped performing by choice or have passed away.

Madame Sheena

For the first time I got kind of snotty about posters. I designed and redesigned, to totally different specifications the poster. I promoted on my own pages. And the performers either didn't share it at all, or literally just hit the share now button on Facebook, and didn't give reasons why anyone would want to go. I took out frustration on everyone, and feel the need to apologize.

The night itself was going to be fun. Both Miss E'on and Leanna Love, ended up being in the show as two other queens had canceled at the last minute.

And, Dan's daughter was going to be there, and get to see Shaunna Rai perform for the first time...aside from at a hair school show. Other than a little chit chat on Facebook, I hadn't really had much interaction with Logan so, I was looking forward to it.

We got to the bar, and I took the bags to the back, as usual. Miss JoAnn was already there. She greeted us warmly, and said something about her age, in response to something Leanna had said about being too old. (Miss JoAnn, I think is the oldest drag queen I know.)

Danielle Dior

Once things were squared away, I went to get Shaunna and myself something to drink. I may have gotten a little snippy with the lady at the door, when I went back to give Shaunna her drink...I drove with half the performers, with no gas money involved, and you're going to charge me a cover? (I now see that I'm just as bad as the rest of the people I complain about. I've been given too many free entries, for being the driver, that it has gone to my head.) And, I learned my lesson. When I'm already in the back, for a show, just wait until the back bar opens...

DJ ChrisO started the music, for the night, and in a way I was transported back in time. The music was the music that was new when I was finishing high school, and starting art school. (In other words, the soundtrack to my coming out.) Whitney Houston's It's Not Right came on, and I literally flashed back to my first time ever in a gay night club, in Philadelphia, at Woody's, when I was just over 18.

Leanna Love

The show started, and Madame Sheena started off the introductions.  Shaunna, E,on and Leanna paid homage to a group of girls that Shaunna used to perform with (the ISG...International Show Girls, who used to perform on the Scotia Prince cruise, back in the day.)

Miss JoAnn was introduced, and a joke was made about her having been performing since 1912...she really isn't that old...I got some great shots of her. Her Somewhere Over the Rainbow was a great number. It's one of my favorite songs, and it just fit for her to do it.

Barbara Streisand made an appearance. Oh, wait, no, that was Madame Sheena.

Danielle Dior, who is a former Miss Gay Maine, and was a fixture in The Underground days, hosting both the shows and Strip Night, did a number.

Shaunna Rai

Leanna, who I normally have a hard time getting good pictures of, did a version of Fever, by Madonna, and I got a few really good shots of her too.

Somewhere in between numbers, I saw our friends Andrea and Dana. I talked to Andrea a bit about a game that I'm excited to see come out, and she talked about someone that she was kind of seeing, having invited her to go to some kind of gamer convention in Boston. Dana asked me if it would be ok for him to put a dollar bill in his fly for tipping Shaunna. I never know what's appropriate until afterward,  so I gave my blessing...only because I know he wouldn't do anything bad.

E,on did her number,  which, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. The one thing I do remember, was our friend Steve giving her a tip...in his teeth, and the huge grin on his face after. This is what shows are supposed to be about. Having fun.

Miss E,on

The thing I was most looking forward to, was the banter about the back in the day queens, who are no longer around. We reached Donna Summer's Last Dance, and the banter was not there. I knew little more about the old days than I did before I went. That was my only disappointment from the show.

The show was over, and the queens were heading back to pack up. Shaunna was still socializing, and introduced me to a couple, who asked if I could take a picture of them. They had met at The Underground, years ago, and wanted a picture, to commemorate it.

Finally, we were on our way home. The trip home from Portland seemed so much shorter than it did when we were in Portland after driving from Portsmouth.